Feeling sad and angry

10 weeks later and I am still in shock. My 66 year old husband after 33 years of marriage has ‘let somebody else into his life’. His decision was non-negotiable, and he told me that he never meant it to happen!! She is a widow that he knew and dated in his teens. I call it delayed mid-life crisis.

Five years ago, we apparently amassed a debt of £90,000 which he failed to tell me about until he couldn’t juggle his finances any more. I never got a clear explanation of why this occurred, but I suspect a lot of it had to do with him building up his business. Stupidly, I forgave him, mainly because our younger son was going through a prolonged period of depression and I felt he needed stability in his life. It resulted in us having to sell our house and relocating in order to pay off this debt.

My husband is a nice man, but to be honest I have felt for many years that I was his third child. You knew he loved you but rarely said it, except in birthday cards. For the past two years I have been coming to terms with the fact that I wanted a divorce. We had silently drifted apart, I finally and worked up enough courage to tell him that living with him was like living with a ghost. And that was when he dropped the bomb.

Initially, I took the news very well, and hoped that we could stay friends. But after six weeks of crying (still don’t know why) I am now full of anger. I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to yell and scream at him. He has always found it difficult to deal with criticism. It is not helped by the fact that we are leading virtually separate lives under the same roof, as he runs his business from home. His new love lives over 500 miles away. We are also trying to get our house ready for selling, and even when it goes on the market, it may take forever to sell .

Unfortunately I have to stay where I am until the house is sold , as I don’t have the money to move. I would love to move as I am 500 miles away from my two sons.
Unfortunately, the move five years ago has led to yet another financial hiccup – he told me that he has now amassed debts of £25,000. And again he never told me until forced into it.

Fortunately Xmas was great as my sons came to spend it with me, and asked him to be elsewhere, as they did not feel it was the right time to play ‘happy families’. It is much more relaxing when he is not here, as when I look at him I realise that I have lost respect and trust in this man – something that I thought would never happen.

Sorry to be such a whinger, but I have so few people to talk to as we live in a rural area.

Hi and welcome to Wiki

You have come to the right place hun. If ever you need to rant or just need someone to talk to there is always someone here to listen.

10 weeks is a very short period of time to come to terms with your husbands infedelity. It will not help living in the same house. Is it possible to go and stay with one of your sons for a few days? To allow yourself some space and time away from the situation. If not try and fill your time as much as possible, i know it's easy to say but it does help.

The breakdown of a marriage is a terrible thing to have to go through. I never realised how bad until my husband cheated on me 3 months ago.

Please go easy on yourself, no you're not a whinger, what you are feeling is completely normal, almost everyone on this site has been through the same thing. Now is the time for you to be selfish. Look after yourself. Do the things you want to do.

If you feel brave enough come into chat, everyone is friendly, is willing to listen and they do know what you are going through.

Hi welcome to Wikki. I'm so sorry that you too are having to deal with infidelity. It hurts, betrayal is the worse thing to live with in life & it destroys your ego & belief in human beings! I feel you need to get away from him now, lizzybenn is right, can you go to your sons a while? We are all here for you, rant as much as you like, many of us have been there too & are trying to come through the same feelings of pain & anger. The days will get better in time but you will have bad ones now & again, i accept them & let them come & go, its all part of healing after a big betrayal from the one you loved & trusted so much.
Keep posting,
Cindy

Hallo and welcome

I asked my husband for a separation back in March. He agreed but then I found out he was seeing someone else, who he moved in with in July.

I thought I'd feel relieved when he left but I was overwhelmed with grief and cried so much that my younger son told me to go and see the doctor! I am now on anti-depressants and have been seeing a counsellor once a week for several months.

It is a rollercoaster of emotions but as someone said on welcoming me to this site, here you have someone to scream with!

unabed wrote:

I finally worked up enough courage to tell him that living with him was like living with a ghost. And that was when he dropped the bomb.

This is exactly how I felt during the last 12 months I was with ex, the reason being he was having an affair and I was unaware of it.

Welcome to wiki, you will find the help and support you need here to help you through the emotional journey ahead, priority is to take care of yourself and take small steps, stay strong and realise there is a better life out there for you.

Love

Poppie xx

Hello again

Thank you all for your words of kindness and support. It really helps knowing that I am not alone.

Can I ask all of you if you have any tips on how to deal with intense anger? My husband returns this weekend from his Xmas/business trip and I am trying to remain non destructive. His pride is such that I could demolish him in a few short words, but I'm not sure that is the right thing to do for me or him. And of course, although my two sons are over 21 years of age, and do not agree with what he has done, he is are still their father.

My younger son told me over Xmas that when my husband had talked to him, he had marvelled at how well I had taken his bombshell news. But my son told to expect a backlash after what he had done. And backlash here we come. He seemed to believe that we would all remain just one happy family!! As I have detached myself more and more from him emotionally over the past 10 weeks, I think that he is realising that his is not possible.

Thanks again for your warm welcome
Maggie

Hi Maggie,

I feel for you... like many others here on wiki I've been through similar experiences to you.

I saw a counsellor early on and her advice to me on my anger, was to imagine a big red 'STOP' sign, or an alternative that works for you... so every time you feel your anger escalating (and it is destructive, to you!), imagine the stop sign and STOP the thought... move onto something else. It sounds simple but it helped me. It's quick and easy to access.

You can also try writing things down, i wrote poems, but a diary... anything. Sometimes I would type emails in draft but not send them then later I was always pleased with myself for not sending them, and pressing the 'delete' button instead.

Venting your anger at him will only increase his self-defence... so it just comes right back at you, causing you more pain.

Scream when there's no-one around, let it out but just don't direct it to him as he'll send it right back and you don't need to add to the hurt you're feeling.

We're all with you Maggie, vent your anger here instead when you meed to. Hang in there!

Love & hugs,

Molly x