Divorce after Domestic Abuse

I started divorce proceedings dec 08. I suffered 4 years of domestic abuse but only recently told anyone. I decided to speak up because it was affecting my 2 year old son. Ex denied everything to the police so it was my word against his as there were no witnesses or evidence. The police are not taking any further action.

He swore an undertaking in court to leave me alone. I dont know how much weight that holds!! Even though I raised concerns about my sons safety the court has granted a contact order unsupervised!!Only good thing to happen in court was that he agreed to me having residency!!

Organisations such as Womens Aid, SOADA, Domestic Abuse Police, Solicitors, Doctor, Health Visitor all assured me that the right thing to do was to report my ex also that he would not be able to have contact unsupervised. Judge said I could go prison if I breach the terms of the contact order!!

I feel let down by all the authorities. I have no family and no friends. I have lost faith in all.

I just dont know what to do anymore!! I was hoping I could get some straight answers from the net as I keep getting mixed advice from everywhere!!

My main concern is obviously my son and the contact order. If I breach it i am scared they will take him from me! I want to move away from here and go back to the town i was brought up in but solicitor says if I do it will be breaching the contact order and could face prison.

Another concern I have is money. I have applied to the CSA but have not heard anything yet. I work 20 hours a week and get child tax credits and working tax credits. The money I get pays only the bills. When we got married we got out a joint loan then few months before son was born we got another joint loan to consolidate and buy stuff. Then after son was born we could not afford the high monthly repayment on the first joint loan so we got out another loan to pay the first loan but the new loan was only in my name. The solicitor said that I am liable for that loan. I cannot afford to pay it!!

He took the family car which was paid for by the first loan. The car was in his name but the car we part exchanged was in my name.

If anyone can help me I would be so grateful. I am dealing with all this alone and am scared and alone!!!

I wish I could say something that would help you. Issues relating to contact and residency aren't my scene.

Can I ask you two questions.

Are you afraid that your son will be abused if he has contact with his father ; and

Is there any evidence to support your belief ? Has there been anything so far in the contact arrangements which has caused you concern ?

As far as you are concerned, you say he has undertaken not to molest you etc ; I don't know the terms of the undertaking. However if he gave one, the breach of it would be a serious matter and could attract sanctions up to and including imprisonment.

If you think he might harm you but not your son, then the possible answer is to use a contact centre to arrange the handover so that you don't actually encounter each other.

As I say, this isn't my scene. Divorce in general isn't my scene but I have some experience of it as a client.

Your problem, I'm afraid, is that if you kept quiet about the abuse, you can't really blame the authorities or the courts for making the assumption that your husband is just an ordinary divorced dad wanting contact with his children, and believe me, there are many thousands of those around.

If you raise it as an issue now, then you can expect a grilling from your ex's lawyer. If you had raised it at the time, there would be evidence like scars and bruising. Now all that is likely to be gone.
So it's just your word against his.

If there is a contact order you can still move house ; of course you can, but if this involves a breach of the contact order I would say you would have to ask for the contact order to be varied rather than just do it, which, as your solicitor says, will land you in hot water. You have a solicitor and from everything you say, her advice is correct.

I hope that this has not come over as unsympathic but I have been on this planet too long not to realise that contact issues can pose intractable problems. On the one hand you have violent and abusive men who ought to have their contact at least restricted, if not denied altogether.On the other you have women who are using denial of contact as a means of getting back at their ex.

Mike 100468

PKM,

I don't have much time now to reply but if you want to send me a private message then feel free.

I am/was in a similar position to you with regards Domestic Abuse and having an Undertaking etc. I am also trying to move to another area of the country.

If you want to talk about things then we can sort something out, I can ring you maybe.

You could also join the Domestic Abuse Support Group on wiki and this is a closed forum and you can post with confidence that only others in similar positions that understand abuse will make comment.

Look under groups on the Community Menu.

It is clear that you are doing what you believe is right to protect your young son. Keep hold of that.

Take care

xx Sarah xx

pkm
their are many of us that have escaped abusive relationships and know the courage that it takes to stand up and say enough is enough, so well done and big ((((hugs)))).
like sarah, i would be happy to help you to deal with the aftermath - i found the freedom programme helped me to understand what had happened to me and there is much information on wiki.
contact can give an abuser the chance to continue their behaviour, particularly when children are involved - do you have specific concerns about your son's safety, would you consider your ex to be a good father, have social services been involved?
keep strong hun.
lou xx

I told the national abuse helpline about the abuse who refered me to womens aid. Womens aid not interested unless you are wanting to go into refuge!! They refered me to SOADA who refered me to solicitor. Told my doctor who refered me to counselling (not heard anything yet) and he told the health visitor. She talked to me and told me I should report it.

I reported the abuse to police they took statement but were unable to do anything as there was no evidence and it was my word against his. I reported it because it was affecting my son and because i wanted him to leave me alone!!!

I can not believe that the judge ordered for me to hand son over from my house!!! I originally went to court to get a non molestation order!!! I told solicitor that I would only do the hand over in public so it was agreed to be done in Mcdonalds.

So I not only feel let down I have been let down by all.Even family, relatives and friends turn there back on me.

I am staying positive and keeping my faith in god. Everything happens for a reason. Also even though he lied to the police and got away with it I believe what goes round comes round and he will get unstuck one day because how long can a liar and a cheat get away with it!!!

Thanks to all who replied it is just so comforting that there are people out there who care enough to take time out to reply. Also it helps to know that I am not the only one going through all this.

pkm
in similar position. been in abusive relationship for 6years only recently come out with it. my family lives abroad and I haven't got many friends as we kept moving in past. pls stay on wiki. I can assure you it has helped me so much and will certainly help you too.You can send me pm too if you like to stay in touch with people in similar position.
take care