Username says it all!

Hi, I was trying to think of a username and my choice popped into my head as if by magic but sadly it is right. I have gotten myself into a right mess with someone who it is clear now wanted a child but for herself. Harsh you may think but I was advised by family & friends early on that this is what she wanted but I did not believe a person could really do this and felt that the stories I was told were genuine... After a long and often painfull two years I am now left with a broken heart and only being allow to see my 16 month old daughter during the day (Tues/Sat). She will not agree for me to have her stay over and now because I have started to try and get things moving on this side she has decided that she will still let me see her but not to stay over as she needs to protect her from me because I am this & that etc. Looking through this site it seems that the accusation of 'being controlling' is something many people (both M/F) get labelled with and my Ex has/is using this against me as well the ironic thing here is that from almost the beginning I have had to do things her way or risk grief she even told me I had to tell all my friends & family that the nickname of 'Jim' they knew me by would confuse our daughter and so they had to start calling me by my first name!! People who have known me for 20+yrs, i'm sure you can imagine what they said to me. There is no doubt that she is using our daughter to get back at me and it working despite my best efforts to keep things calm. I have asked and asked that we attend some type of specialist support councelling to help us work through these issues & She has so far resisted despite me saying I am happy to discuss all topics openly as long as I am also allowed to put my side of things she is not interested. Anyone here got any ideas on how I can find help as the way things are going we are going to end up in court and it will all end in tears. I am glad my daughter is not old enough to have to remember this part and hope that by the time she is we would have worked out our differences and moved on. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. J

Hi,

This is parenting at its worst....this type of selfishness to gain control of a situation disgusts me ....and yes I have experienced it.....its an intolerable painful situation and I do so hope it is resolved before your daughter is old enough to be subjected to the unnecessary damage caused by your selfish, controlling, manipulative unfit to be a parent x.

There are a few live posts on this running at the moment offering experiences/opinions/support.

best wishes

Elle

Hi Elle, thanks for the supporting words & I really do hope that things will be resolved before it can affect my Daughter. I have looked through quite a few posts so far (lots more to read in time) though in my situation I think my Ex has to some degree of something known as Asperger Syndrome. It has taken me quite some time since we split to try and work out what the hell went wrong as at almost every occasion she would take/analise my actions towards her in such an extreme way that near the end I was beginning to doubt myself and wondered if she was right. It was two months afterwards that someone I know who is good in Psychology said that it sounds like my Ex has 'AS' and I remembered my Ex mentioned this back in Jan(08) but was not diagnosed(and still isn't) and I had never heard of 'AS' plus I had no energy left to look into these things as most of my time was spent fire fighting. It is worth pointing out that overtime my Ex told me she suffers from Depression/Could be Bipolar/Is allergic to water(yes you read it right) and in fact is allergic to so many things that is had a real impact on daily life again all this is self diagnosed oh and she can hear the electric going through the wires in he house?. As my friend(s) say I pick them!

Jim

Hi there

I know peeps think as a lawyer I have a vested interest in everything going to court (although honest I do try my best to keep peeps out of it ) some cases need to go as that is where they were always destined.

From your description of this woman, that is where you are headed I am afraid, and if I were you I would make you application and get on with it. Judges are sadly very used to PWC behavig in this way and do cut through it...I dont see you have any other alternative route.

Amanda

get to court fast

It is a hard road but do it or you will forever be begging to see your children

it is hard and things will or can get worse but you will hoepfully come out the other side.

Be prepared for anything though spend lots of time on here when you need to but please dont leave it to late.

You will need the strenght of ten men my friend when you go there but as dl says it will end there anyway

Seany

If your ex IS , as you seem to think, suffering from depression or has some form of Aspergers, I would suggest she is shown some sympathy! She may be very scared to get involved in meeting with someone for help or counseling. She may fear that her own demons will be exposed. This whole scenario may be completely beyond her dealing with properly.
Obviously the situation has to be sorted for the benefit of your child, but there are two sides to every story in divorce, and I am not keen on seeing such knee-jerk condemnation of someone who may be suffering with mental health issues. Could you gently go back to basics with her, gain some trust and then. hopefully be able to get professional help for the situation? You may be the more sensible, mentally healthy parent- which means you are called upon to react in the more constructive way, for the sake of your child

Thank you both for your advice. I would love to have kept away from the courts and will try mediation 1st if given the option before heading in the courts direction. I did originally see a 'Family Solicitor' who has a good reputation but frankly £200 later and all she said was I would get every other weekend plus a day in the week and half the school holidays. Interesting as then my Daughter was less than a year old plus I am self employed and can and do arrange my time around seeing my Daughter (Tuesdays are swimming lessons day) She simply quoted things I could have got off the web and took no notice of the specific details like how does half the school holidays apply here? I would like 50/50 access or as I am now starting to think would be best in the end to either try for custody or at least shared residency. There is no doubt that at every turn I am going to have to fight for any influence in what happens to my Daughter so a residency order would help that.

I have been amazed by the level of support I have read on this site which was the reason why I registered, at times the game playing between Ex's is quite astounding and I am sure even with best intentions we can all be accused of taking part sometimes without realising, its when Children are involved that Parents should really stop and think what they are doing, easy to say I know but I have waited over 8 mths now without pushing to have my Daughter stay over with me and only now since I gave her a letter has things stepped up a level. Both the original Health Visitor and current one have no issue with my Daughter staying over with me, and to cap it all just before Xmas the original Health Vistor was talking to me and said that I seem to have accepted I was used to get a child and she said she does not know how anyone can come to terms with it. Well as yet as I told her I have not.

Jim