Introduce myself.

Hi. Back in September 2006 my husband of 28 years told me he no longer loved me. This was the fifth time he'd told me this but we'd always sort of sorted it out and given it another try. This time, however, I also discovered that he'd been seeing someone else - despite him denying this - so I no longer wanted to try and patch things up. Because we have two teenage children who are at, or about to go, to university we have decided, purely for finacial reasons, to stay living together. Because I don't want to worry people, or indeed have them feel sorry for me, Apart from my kids, I have only told three people about my situation, two good friends any my mother's partner. However, I don't really want to keep bleating to them about how bad I feel. I haven't told my mum because she suffers from high blood pressure and this would send it through the roof. Every one else who know's us are completely oblivious to the situation.
What I am particulary annoyed at myself with is the fact that although we never go out together, unless it is something I have arranged, I feel really guilty when I go out on my own or with my friends - and I have made sure I go out a lot because I feel so lonely when I stay in. I saw this web site advertised in a magazine and it said that you feel so much better when you put pen to paper - so let's hope so.

Hallo and welcome.

I am so sorry you are going through this emotional turmoil.

Stop feeling guilty - what on earth for? You've done your best to make your marriage work. Your husband is the one who wants to give up, not you. I bet he isn't feeling guilty.

My own marriage (18 years, but we've been together 31) was on the rocks for a few years. My husband left all the emotional effort, as well as housekeeping, gardening and bringing up our children to me. When I stopped arranging our social life he did nothing, which showed me clearly that he had no interest in doing anything with me. I asked for a separation, but we stayed together for another 3 months as elder son was doing GCSEs. In the 2nd month of this he finally told me after I'd wormed it out of him, that he had another woman. I realised that he was both cowardly and deceitful at that point.
I had another month of pretending, which was hell as I felt I was involved in his deception.

He moved out 6 months ago to live with the other woman. I went through mourning, grief, anger, all sorts, and now I feel indifference to him.

I am so much happier on my own and have gone out to cinema, book clubs, parties on my tod, being my own best friend. It's much nicer than being with a chap who only went along because you organised it all.

I understand your concern about your mother, but she will surely find out one day. I expect - if she's like my mum - she is already aware that you had relationship troubles. But you need to think about yourself - what you want and what will help you to feel better. Once you feel better, people around you will feel better too.

It will take time so don't be impatient with yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend who had the same problem.

Hi,

You sound like you are having a very difficult time at the moment - it is admirable that you are willing to stay with your husband for your children's benefit. I hope that the time soon comes when you get a chance to move on with your life.

This site has a great many people who have great empathy with you and no-one here will mind you 'bleating on' about stuff! It has certainly made a real difference to me and given me an outlet for my mixed up head and heart.

Just to add to what NoRegrets said about your mum: she probably knows something is up anyway and I am sure she would rather that you confided your problems in her, even if you don't go into depth about it. I am sure you would feel very sad if one of your children was reluctant to tell you about a major change in their life - even if it is for selfless reasons!
I wouldn't worry too much about affecting her blood pressure: of-course getting stressed and upset can have an effect on your blood pressure, but if your mum is on the correct medication and cared for by her GP regarding this health problem then being a support to her daughter really shouldn't effect her health problems that much.

Best wishes
Jacsmum
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