24 years down the pan !!

All i feel at the moment is to gain revenge on this creep. Will he be around say when my wife turns 60 ! and he will be 46, i cant see it. Hopefully he will be under some motorway somewhere !i cant get the feelings i have for my wife out of my head, i know she was part of this, but i will never hurt her. This is so hard to get through,sorry to go on.

spudgun

Hi spudgun,

Revenge, can understand how you feel. But... all on here would say dont waste your energy on him, use your energy to help yourself. He is not worth it. You are.

I am sure that he will not be around when your wife turns 60!!!!
he will probably be hunting down his next victim. I am sure your wife has been flattered and is finding it quite exciting at the moment. When reality comes, and it does, and slaps her in the face she will see things a bit clearer.

It still may be the case that she feels the marriage is over, and you will have to deal with that and come to a decision as to what you want out of life.

Perhaps when she does become a grandparent he might go into panic, a 41 year old going out with a grandma!!!

Please try not to spend energy on him though, take care of yourself.

zara

spudgun,

I understand a lot of the feelings you're going through at this moment. I was at the other side, my husband left me a couple of weeks before our 25th wedding anniversary because , as he said, he lost all his deep feelings for me, but admitted very soon after that he had fallen in love with a mutual aqaintance and wanted to see if he could have a relationship with her and even would move in with her if that was possible.
Five months have passed sinced that awaful day and I have discovered quite a lot about the situation while reading many books about how to handle breakups and going onto websites like this one.

Let me tell you something that I have discovered and even though I still have problems with it myself, I know it's true : It has nothing to do with me that my husband left me but everything with him. Hé is the one who lost his feelings, hé is the one who didn't want to fight for our relationship, hé is the one who gave up on our 27 year relationship leaving me with all the negative consequences of his decision.

It's hard, it hurts, oh how it hurts. I still cry each day, sometimes feeling so lonely and lost. But he is the one who will lose out. He is the one who will find that what goes around comes around.
Like your wife.
A new life may sound fantastic, a new relationship may be what they want at this moment, but in time they will find nothing has changed for they haven't changed. They looked for an escape and have escaped into a fantasy.

This is part of an article I have read

Tell yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.

Seriously.

It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.

That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.

I know it's easier said than done. I am nowhere near it myself, but my head knows this is true. We are worth so much more than the people who gave up on us just like that.

Hang in there ( I am trying to as well ) and if you want some good advice, find the website Getting Past Your Past. It has a lot of very, very good articles ( at least that's what I think ) about dealing with break ups.

A big hug from me, I wish I could say anything to make the pain less but I have found out myself that nothing actually can. But it's good to know that you're not really alone. There are lots of people here on this website and hopefully lots of people around you who want to be there for you. Don't hesitate to reach out.

Hi Spud

I know exactly how you feel, my ex left me after 23 years for a 24 year old he worked with. I was absolutely devastated. The divorce wasn't final until 2006 because he kept saying he wanted to come back. I now know it was so the court wouldn't take her earnings into account. I feel that I wasted all those years especially as he retired from the Police last Jan and we had been saving so we could go off and enjoy his retirement. Now I am on benefits and worse off than I was when I met him back in 1979. Five years on I am still on my own but hope that there is someone out there.

Hope all goes well for you

Hi again. My Wife has just phoned me from the UK (i am in Spain ) for the second time in two days to see how iam, kind of her !! Up till these two calls, se had only comunicated with via email, text, or messenger. It is very hard to be polite over the phone and easy for one of us to hang up (never happened). She is trying to arrange a time and place where we can meet up and talk. I told her straight, it would just be the two of us, and not to bring her new playmate with her, i said i could not bear to see his smug face. I just love my wife so much, i know these things happen. I also know i am chasing a lost cause, but will try anything for us to try again.

sorry to go on like this

A lost soul.

Hi spudgun

Well, let us just hope that the talks you have will be good ones.
Just be prepared for the talks to go either way..... she either has realised she has made a huge mistake and wants to try again, or she is going to talk about the end of the marriage.

You must think about want you want too.

Good luck, please keep us posted as to how it all goes.

zara

ps try and stay calm;)

Hi Spudgun

I'm glad you have joined the forum, I am new here as well and I felt a sense of belonging and relief to find that I am not alone in the devastation of a shattered marriage.

My hubby has cheated on me all our married life but I stayed because of the kids. They are now grownup.

We bought a villa abroad in 1989 for holidays and moved there for 7 years after II retired from nursing and all went well with the expat life and I came back to the UK as my daughter was finishing her Law degree and asked if I could move in and help her by doing the essentials around the house.

I then found out a few months later that my hubby 63 years old had started an affair with the 35 year old maid and was blatant about it !

Possibly you will find this guy is only out for money. I can't see it being a lovematch. A lonely woman is no match for a scheming con artist. Give it some time. In the meantime secure your financial situation and lock him out by changing passwords that your wife can't guess.

Huggs
ceebee2