24 years down the pan !!

Hi. I have been married for the last near on 24 years and been together for 27 years. Four years ago we moved to Spain, and for two years life was good. I used to travel back to the UK for work and get home say every six weeks, then work dried up and times got hard, but we still managed to pay the mortgage etc. Then about 18 months ago i went back to the UK for work for a while and there was a few problems back in Spain, our cat died and my Wife was in bits about it, but because i was not there she confided in our villa agent(who was married) and that was the start of there relationship as far as i can see it. My wife will be 55 shortly and he is 41, she will also be a Grandma for the first time this year, what a mess. I am in spain at the present time, she was supposed to be here to talk and see if we had a future(she had told me that there affair had finished a long time ago, yes sure )Well she never turned up and is somewhere in the UK, with this arse and says thats it. The trouble is , even though i have been hurt time and time again in the past months , i love my wife more than ever, but the arse she is with , i would gldaly serve time for. he has sent abusive and threatening emails and texts. Has hacked all my email accounts and other, such as paypal, ebay. Of course he has never admitted this , but also never denied it either. I am very low at the moment, being the inocent party. Where do i go from here.......

Hi Spudgun, (is that from Bottom)? One of my favourite programmes.

Welcome to wiki,

Firtstly, if you have absolute proof that this a***e has been hacking into your private emails etc, you must do something about it, ie. Police. Any threatening or harrasing letters, texts, emails, or telephone calls can be dealt with very simply. Report it to the police. They will deal with it. Ebay have their own methods of investigation, use it. Stop him right in his tracks. He does not have the right to do this, and is illegal. He might even be using your wife to scam some money. So I would take great care with your finances, freeze any joint account, after you have transferred anything important to a sole account in your name.

As far as your wife is concerned, this could just be a 'fling' it might just be something that happened and is not all it seems. On the other hand if it is serious and you are of the opinion that your marriage is over, then you need to secure your finances as soon as possible.

zara

Hi Spud,

You've come to the right place for support and advice. It's uncanny that your story almost mirrors mine to a T. (minus the affair)

We too moved to Spain,(Ibiza) five years ago this summer and our marriage broke up in August (officially that is, it was actually over long before that)

2 1/2 years ago I went back to the UK to help my mum through a hip operation, when I returned I knew the marriage had truly died. I plodded on but had to bring things to a head this year.

I too am 55, maybe this is a strange age for women, this story seems to crop up regularly here on Wiki.The ex pat community anywhere in the world is slightly incestuous and that could have contributed to your problems.

I can't help you regarding your feelings about your wife, that is something that you will need to work out for yourself, and only time will help you come to terms with what has happened to you. (Read a post of mine Men and Divorce it may help)

You will make great friends here and do pop into chat, it's great for support, advice and very often a good laugh when you need it. Although I know you probably don't feel much like laughing at the moment. It is nevertheless comforting to know that people are there for you.

Good luck

XXX Fleur XXX

fleur wrote:

I too am 55, maybe this is a strange age for women,

The menopause years! Add to that she is becoming a Grandma; and she may well be feeling a little past-her-best.

You were away (in the UK) and along comes this 'chancer' fourteen years her junior. His professional standing (that of property agent) brought him in close proximity to form a friendship.

So many women; especially those alone' fall for the charms of scheming chancers. I doubt it would survive beyond the affair.

So that sheds some light on maybe understanding why the affair happened: (Opportunity, insecurity, loneliness, fear etc)
But she's saying the marriage is over, so what you need to do is decide if you're going to fight to salvage it (most wiki users found this a desperate waste of time) or deal with the practical issues of getting divorced.

There's plenty of emotional and financial advice here at wiki. Many wiki users are in the same boat.

Hi. Thanks for the quick response. Yes the spudgun is from bottom, i actually worked with the actor who played spudgun when he was making the movie THe Cottage, nice guy. As for prooth on hacking my emails etc, i did contact all the accounts that had been hacked, and did not get anywhere, the person who did it made out they were me in every respect, user name password etc, so the likes of hotmail, yahoo, ebay, all said the same, that as it appeared that i had closed the accounts or removed certain folders, there was nothing they could do. In my paypal account, the hacker even transfered 50 euros into my skype account, how sad is that. I know what they were trying to do was to erase any evidence i had in my emails. I had some chat messages saved which i found onthe pc one day from my wife and him. But i have them stored on a usb stick, cant bear to look at it. What a mess, and i am very very low .

Hi Spudgun,

When you are feeling low come onto wiki, pop into chat, or start a blog. You do not need to feel alone and miserable. There is usually someone around 24/7.

It is going to take time to come to terms with what has happened to you.

My marriage of 22years ended within 10 mins of him telling me he loved someone else. All here on wiki understand the pain and hurt you are feeling. It will help to keep posting and getting the support that you need at the moment. There are some wonderfully wise, caring and sympathetic people here, always ready to lend an ear.

take care and please keep posting.

zara

Hi Spud

My husband and I have separated after 25 years of marriage, although we had actually known each other for 32 years.

In 2007 he started a friendship with a mutual woman friend and it developed into something more. His behaviour towards me became more and more distant and I could no longer tolerate his increasing hostility towards me.

In time our relationship deteriorated so much that I decided to end the marriage and I have moved away from him now.

I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to put up with his bad feelings, but at the same time there is a sense of regret that it had to come to this.

Sometimes the pain of loss is unbearable but I have found positive thinking to be very beneficial, and dont dwell on all the negative things.

Hope this helps.

Best wishes

Jules