New here

Hi there

On our anniversary last year my husband announced he wasn't in love with me any more, then in June I discovered he was having an affair with a subordinate at work.

I wish I'd found this place back then!

He had got me to move house a couple of months earlier and I had paid all his debts off with the equity of my old house. I am now saddled with the new mortgage - which is huge - and he has started a new life. He rarely sees our child - these days she doesn't want to see him either.

I try so hard - everyone thinks I'm coping brilliantly - but I feel I am on the edge all the time and could break at any time.

Any advice? Strategies? Coping Mechanisms?

Hallo and welcome

I can't help with financial advise - is the mortgage in your name only?

But coping emotionally, please believe it will get better in time, but you can do things to help.

Don't brood. Try to stay positive and realise that the future will be better.

Always plan something to look forward to.
Never turn down an invitation.
Try doing something new.

Hi New Attitude

To get advice on finances you'll need to post some more information.

Remember though that unless it is a short marriage the mortgage is a joint debt.

Also he should be paying you child maintenance, you can go the CSA web site where there is an easy to use calculator that you can use to work out the CSA level of child maintenance. If you can agree between you the level he pays, and not involve the CSA that can be preferable, but he is required to pay!!

On an emotional level time is a great healer, From someone who is about a year through it has got easier. I found it helped me to do new things, I joined a local social group, I went to evening classes, I caught up with friends I hadn't seen for ages.

My social life is now busier than when I was living with the ex!

Also use this site as a place to chat, make new friends, let off steam, get information etc.

Good luck and remember about time being a healer!

Steve

Hi,

Welcome to the club no-one wants to join

Don't they just have perfect timing eh?. My W told me 2 weeks before our 24 ann, then after we tried again, she told me again 2 weeks before Xmas. There's no rhyme or reason to it that's for sure.

I aslo wish you had come here earlier, hoever, you didn't so we have to help you as best as we can from now.

1st, well done for getting this far, it's a long way from where you were. 2nd, keep thiking positive, there are ALWAYS positives to find, sometimes they are so well hidden they are almost impoosible to discover, but they ARE there.

Coping mechanisms, well, if you feel down and out, stop thinking what you are thinking and sing a happy song in your head. Sounds silly, yep, but by singiong the words in your head, you are using the right side of youre brain and that is the opposite of emotion. Try it, but try it for 2 minutes at least. Then think how you feel, I'll bet it's more positive that you did. If it is, dwell on that thought, and if you slip, sing again!

That;s one positive way. I'll try to think of otherd for you, there are plenty.

Read the stories on here, we have all had a journey of some sort, some are bitter, with good reason, some are peaceful. You will learn though, that time heals.

Take care

Hi new attitude,

I have little to offer, but better to have loved n lost.?? When all is lost in one way...the light goes on in a nother. I wish u well

Elle

Hi New Attitude,

I just want to say that you have done the right thing by reaching out and joining a forum. You can sift through what others are facing, (like me too in distress)and see how some are coping and hopefully get some insight how to get through the dark days.

You didn't say how old your daughter is. It is important that she does not lose contact with her father and he should be reminded of his responsibility to her either by you or a relative like a grand parent to continue his relationship with her. Children always feel as though they caused the separation and so you must try and keep your negative thoughts about him from affecting her attitude. It is never the child's fault but they often become the casualties of a broken relationship. So in as much as it goes against the grain be nurturing, positive and supportive when dealing with her questions as she is also going through a breakup.

When she is older you can discuss it with her but not now if she is a child.

Join a local group of Mums, church group or Gingerbread club also you need to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau about the financial advice.
Many Hugs
ceebee2

Hi there

Thanks for the welcomes.

Bit more... for those who have offered advice with more details - thank you!

I stupidly let him have the mortgage put into my sole name - So I am now solely liable for it and he doesn't contribute at all to that or the household expenses. He does pay slightly more than the CSA say he has to for our daughter but makes no other contribution. He actually pays half what he agreed to the day he moved out.

During the marriage I always earned more than him and still do - but not by much. I supported him through a 4 year degree and again when he was made redundant, and again when he did a postgrad year. Our old house was in my sole name and when we moved to this one I paid all his debts out of the equity, and we went to joint mortgage. The affair had already begun and he knew that although obviously I didn't.

Our daughter is 10. He woke her the week before her 10th birthday to tell her that he was leaving her because he was in love with another woman. She knows he has been sleeping with the other woman and she has kids who are where the 2 of them work. I believe that relationship to be over but he has told me that before and was lying then.

This week I got the certificate of entitlement to a decree. All he was bothered about is the judge has ordered him to pay costs and he refuses he wants me to pay from the little left in the joint account. I have agreed for a quiet life. As I also gave him lots of stuff from the house.

He used to refuse dd's calls and moved into a 1 bed so he didn't need to have dd overnight but now he has a 2 bed place he wants her to stay. She has been refusing to see him but I have arranged her to see him for 2 hours this week as a start. She's agreed as the judge says he is happy she lives with me and visits him so she feels that means he can't keep her against her will. I don't think he would but she has had nightmares.

I think it is probably too late to change things now I am nearly divorced - best I can hope for is keep her going and keep him happy so he treats her right...