new girl wanting to say hello and get advice

I am struggling where to start here but firstly want to say that I am so glad that I have come across this web site to read about how you lot out there are coping and that the feelings I have of isolation, great pain, sadness, loneliness and frustration are not just me being silly and that what I am feeling is in fact normal.

I was,like so many of us, happily married. (or so I thought) My husband was as straight as a dye. Had an old head on young shoulders and was totally respected by friends and family. We of course had our ups and downs but were very lucky to both have goood jobs and incomes and life was not a struggle.

My husband became BORED and we became IN A RUT apparently! He became a different person started to go out a lot etc etc and then told me he didnt love as much as he did. Denied an affair but wanted a trial separation but did nothing about it. I lived under pressure for 9 months with him and we argued a lot. In june last year he came home and admittted that he had been having an affair with a woman who was married with 2 children.

He has since left and set up home with her and after 8 months I now know that a divorce is wanted. I perhaps stupidly wanted a reconcilliation and at times he gave me enough signs that that is what he want to.

But I am not coping really that well with all this. I constantly have him in my head. I am jealous that she now has a life with my husband (yes his choice I know) but my stomach is constantly knotted up and I feel permently stressed. Yes, I have taken over the house and run it well. Yes, I have not had much time off sick from work but how do I get over this pain and the hurt of my husband looking at me and not wanting me anymore and all our future plans etc etc have gone out the window.A journey I never asked for.

I am lonely, I go out with my friends but you still come home to an empty house.. I have massages and councelling but this week I have fellt so down and havnt been able to stop crying. I have an appointment with GP tomorrow and really dont want to go on antidepressants as I feel my husband is winning but perhaps I should.

Husband had not taken any of his clothes etc but he has been told that after 8 months he must as I cannot stand looking at them any more. Have all his stuff here but no man!!!!!

I have been too soft with him and too hurt. His life is full with her and the children but he says he doesnt trust her. Not my problem.

The only flaw in our marriage was that he didnt want children and i sacrificed that for him and now he has left me to go to a woman who has 2 kids and boy does that kill me. I obviously loved him more than he did me and where has it got me?

When does the pain stop, how do you move on to this better life people keep telling me about.

I just feel dumped, demoralised, hurt and a woman who had nothing mentally or physically that could keep her husband.

He says it was not worth the pain he has caused me and doesnt even know if he will stay with this woman. great.

Thanks for listening. Any of you feeling like me?

Yes I am better off without him but dont always feel that.

Wengen xx

Hallo and hugs to you ((())))

What you are feeling is very normal - but of course it hurts like mad.

My ex left nearly 7 months ago and I feel great now, but it was hell to start with.

I did take anti-depressants for a bit and they helped, but haven't taken them for a while and feel fab.

My ex left for other woman and her two younger children leaving me with our teenage sons. Elder teenage son didn't do very well with his GCSEs and then decided he wasn't going to go to 6th form and has been mooching about ever since, but is slowly turning himself round and started looking for jobs.

I finally packed up all my husband's stuff and put it in our spare room. When my Mum came to stay at Xmas I put it all in the understairs cupboard. Ex got v cross about it as he couldn't find anything but I told him he'd had 6 months to sort it out. He keeps saying he's going to take it but hasn't yet. I feel like he wanted the other woman, but also wanted to use our house as a storage facility and to come and chat to me as though we were friends.

You are having counselling, so I hope it helps. I think you need to stop thinking about your husband and his life and think about you and what you want. Do something different. Join a club, go and see a film, make the effort and you will find you have other things to think about.

Keep posting.

hi yes it does bloody hurt like hell when they leave for someone else and i can completely relate to what you feel. mine did not want to tell me about the other, just heaped a load of blame on me and wanted to continue coming here at weekends. however when i showed emotion i.e. angry and crying, well collapsed in a heap of shock actually, he admitted that he had just started something with someone but it was just coincidental and was going to happen sometime . we did have problems but i had been asking him to come to counselling to try and work through we had 15 years together and brought up our respective kids. very hard work stepchildren, two ex wives to deal with and my ex ex , what complicated webs.

now six months on it is starting to ease, it almost feels unfamiliar when i feel ok as i am waiting for the next wave of horribleness to wash over me but they seem to be less tsunami like . can also relate to the lots of friends but coming home to empty house, but i am just starting to realise that though its hard and for me means selling my loved house and land and starting again at 51 that i can do what the hell i like and if i am open to it there could just possibly be some adventures ahead.

you dont say your age but missing out on children like that must be very embittering. there are other ways of finding a family though if that is what you decide you want or of having children around.

i find it releasing to post on here if i am feeling really down and people are always so kind and helpful, and like you say it is good in a peverse sort of way to know that we are normal and our experience is actually a shared one.

hugs to you.

rhi

Hi Wengen
I'm new to this site - just heard about it the other day, had a quick look and now here reading blogs and looking at the chat room - its so good to know there's support and kind, friendly people out there when you need them.
Your situation sounds very painful and it will take a long time to get over the feelings of betrayal etc. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago when my ex started saying he couldn't live with me any more - after 17 years of marriage! We have 3 kids and he didn't want counselling and couldn't talk properly to me - I've since found out, many months later, that he had already started an affair. Anyway, here I am, 2 years later, after many counselling sessions (on the NHS) and feeling able to face the world on my own, which I'd never expected to happen, but I'm making plans for the future and my ex's angry outbursts and tantrums don't bother me at all now. My kids seem to be managing OK, and I'm lucky to have the support of several good friends.
Its good that you're going to see your GP tomorrow - they will be able to offer help and support too. Also, try and find things to occupy your time so that you're not on your own too much. As soon as my ex said he was going, I started some evening classes, just to have something else to think about - it really helped to meet some new people and be able to chat about things. And don't be afraid to use your friends and family for support - that's what they're there for, isn't it? Keep posting on here so that your "online friends" can hear how you're getting on and chat with you too. I know that it must seem that the feelings of loneliness will go on forever, but they don't - in time, you'll find that you think about him less and less and that you're able to put yourself first and start looking forwards.
By the way, my ex's clothes are still in the spare room waiting to be collected, but they'll be going to the homeless shelter soon.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.

Hi wengen. I too can realte to your feelings. You feel as though you stood against a wall you know you must get over, but there apears no way to do it. Only time will help you.
I went to see my doc, she put me on similar prescriptions, I darnt not take them most of the time, the biggest worry was my weight loss, it just kept dissapearing, I wasnt a huge bloke anyhow, pretty normal looking, maybe 'healthy' but lost nearly 3 stone, I now wear jeans at 43 I havent been able to get on since I was a teenager! But in a way that makes me feel good, I joined a gym and boy did it feel good going in the sauna, relaxing, that was just for me, me time.
My stbx followed all the rules that these people use, where they get them from we dont know, any we follow a different path. The best thing about our path is that as long as we stay positive an look after ourselves it is to better happiness, but the suffering is first.
best wishes

Thankyou for all your replies it has so helped me. I have further questions and dont know whether to ask them here or do a new item. Think I will do the latter as it may be more highlighted. You can tell I am new to all this but what a fantastic way to reach out to new people who understand what you are going through and dont just say to you you are better off without him.

How do you explain the hurt and pain to friends who are happily married and in their own safe bubble of happiness. I do not wish them any other than that but I have so much empathy for somebody who is in the process of separation and divorce it is a horrible place.

Ps went to the gp absolutely lovely man. No tabs but have to see him in 2 weeks.

xx

Hi Wengen,

Post away...if its the wrong place it doesnt matter.

As for explaining to people....no need..... you have enough to cope with at the moment.

There is a lot of knowledge, experience, opinions, support as well as sound legal advice here.

There is the legal surgery mon to fri 6 to 8 and chat where you can get support, a laugh, rant..public or in private!

Take care

Elle