Can't believe it....

I know exactly what you are going through. 9 days ago my wife told me she had met someone else. We had been together for 19 years (married for 15). She has decided she does not want me says that I have made her unhappy in the relationship. She has been on antidepressants for about 5 years now and has blamed me for this (I know this is not the case and I think she just wants someone to blame). She has know the other person for approx 2 months and met approx 6/7 times. She has decided she has a future with this man despite only knowing him for a short period and is planning ahead with him. He is 50 she is 41 and he has already left his wife and 2 children last week. Everyone I speak to about this say she is having an infatuation. I love/loved her unconditionally and would take her back but she just won't listen. One minuite I hate her the next I really want her to stay. She told me 5 days before starting a new job as well after I was made redundant 2 months previous. We have 2 beautiful daughters and not to be with them all the time will break my heart. She says things about our marriage I just can't believe but I don't know whether this was her trying to justify her actions.

Unfortunately this is far to common and it is done by both husbands and wives. It is like a fuse blows in their head and they decide that the marriage that they had always appeared happy in was actually a trap and they want out! As the person left behind we go through hell trying to make things work, invariably to no avail and end up feeling terrible.

They tend to blame you, say they have been unhappy for years and thing that this new person that they hardly know will make everything alright.

At some point you get to a point where you start to climb out of it and get on with your life. Then as you do that they start to hate you for it and make your life harder because they seem to decide they don't want you to move on and be happy.

They say one thing and do the opposite, they tell lies and are just a shadow of the person you knew and loved.

I have seen it termed as a mid life crisis, not sure if there is such a thing but the great thing about this site is that those of us affected by their actions can support each other, learn how to handle them and move on.

All the best to everyone who has posted in this thread. I have been in this position for about 18 months and like my profile name says - It does get better!

itgetsbetter - do you know my stbx, can't beleive how bang on you were with that message

Thankyou x

Like most of us on here, i have to had to endure my stbx's so called mid life crisis, at a ripe old age of 32.

The emotional rollercoaster is one thing and does slow down to a managable pace, but it is the sheer pleasure that my stbx W takes in trying to make my life unhappy that i don't understand.

To blame someone else for their instability and mental state is not right and it says more about them that it does all of us.

I'm so glad i foumd this site, i though that I was the only one feeling this way

thank you all for sharing your experiences, it very uplifting for me to know that I'm not alone

Stay strong and keep going all

Ant

Too right itgetsbetter. No sooner had I found my way out of the darkness, met someone else and it became clear to my ex-wife that it was serious and I was happy than she has gone on the offensive to attack me anyway she can, sadly this includes through the children.

She is till with the man she left me for, but it seems that something in these ex-spouses wants to keep us down. I suspect that as the initial bang of fresh romance starts to wear off and they see that we have maybe chosen more wisely than them and can get on with out them they feel a need to find a way to punish us for their decisions. I wonder if it is a confused attempt to regain that initial bang they got from their new relationship and they are confused as to whether or not it was getting the new or dumping the old.

The trouble for them is once we are immune to their emotional poision (see The Four Agreements) they become completely powerless.

It is a bit like a person with a gun with one bullet that shoots but only wounds. You recover and they have no more ammunition but still have all the guilt and shame, which btw they put on themselves, it is not necessary for us to do it to them.

I think my ex-wife imagines I must say things to the children that are negative about her. In truth I say nothing other than to take good care of their mom when they are with her and have fun with her and bf. I say it because I mean it. The boys naturally leave feeling happy and secure which I think just angers her. She really thought I could not manage without her, as such it has dented her own ego to see that despite her not wanting me I am able to cope just fine without her.

How dare I be happy...worse still so are the children.

Hi to all who have posted on this thread so far.

I have been through the emotions you are feeling now and you can't believe it will get better when so much feels wrong and you feel out of control. But it does get better gradually and in time there will be a glimmer of light where the dark used to be ...

What Jam30 says about being strong is very true - when I tried to be caring and amenable with my ex, he took advantage of my good nature. However, when I decided to get on with my life and enjoy myself and have good times, he then became very angry and resentful. I started putting my foot down and saying what was OK and what wasn't and he couldn't handle it. But he chose to go and I've had to get over it and now, a long time later, I can see that I can be happy on my own.

One day hopefully I'll meet someone who loves me for being me but in the meantime I'm going to enjoy being with my kids (they grow up too quickly) and my friends. SGB:)

Hi all

the posts in this thread are bang on - amazing how we all seem to have the same common denominator - they don't want us, but don't want anybody else to have us either!

I'm 6 months down the line, my stbxw is merely a shadow of the person that I married - a shell - she has unoquivically told me yesterday that 'we have no relationship' only because I asked about our children whom I am missing terribly (roll on this coming weekend). I know that we have no relationship as a couple, but we do as parents, which she doesn't seem to understand.

be strong

dd