Civilized or stupid?

Where do you start? I mean literally where do you start? I'm a computer novice as well as being a....what? Separated for three years, not divorced. Loathe his guts but remaining friendly and civilized for the sake of the children. In the "family home" but it's not mine. On forms I'm either Mrs, no that's not right, or Ms which sounds like a speech impediment. My surname is his but my Maiden Name (my own name as we say in Scotland) belongs to someone I knew twenty years ago. Note to all young women, keep your own name when you get married, if only for professional reasons and if the unthinkable happens and true love, it turns out, isn't enough, then at least you'll know who you are.

I have fabulous children, friendly, honest, happy, I think. Telling them was the worst thing I've ever done. I felt like the Grinch that stole Xmas. We did it together and we did it as well as it is possible to do, I think. We've worked hard to stay civil. Perhaps all of us feel we're the most giving in these situations, but I would advocate that as he has the new girlfriend, the new baby, a rent free (although small) flat, no maintainence (so far) and the access when I want it childcare arrangements, I can't help thinking that there's a deal more taking than giving thus far. All change soon. The debts (his) will be paid off and time to talk turkey. I may have to sell my home tho. It's my haven, my retreat. C'est la guerre. A new chapter.

Heaven knows if I can make this work or if anyone will want to read this drivel but it was good to get it down on paper, as it were.

You write very well EBJ even though you are summarising a long period of what must be hell ! I also detect you have a wry sense of humour and a real fighting spirit so I'm sure you will pull through. Its no bad thing to learn computer skills and this site will help you develop more (especially as the site owner keeps moving stuff around !!)

So welcome and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Regards
Rasher

EBJ are you divorcing in Scotland?

If so, I hope Elle and Fiona read this post.

Hallo

When you've been part of a couple for a long time, you do lose a bit of your identity.

I am using my separation (7 months now) to find out who I am and reinvent myself. I haven't decided whether to change my name or what to yet. After all, my maiden name was my father's name, not mine! I think I want a new name just for me!

At the moment, keeping married name as easier with son still at school.

But its only a name, its how you see yourself that matters - that is what you will project to other people, regardless of what surname you have.

My ex is living in a smaller house (though I will have to leave marital home eventually) but he does have new partner and they are "so compatible" (aahh!) and every other weekend her children go to her ex, so they have all weekend to be loved-up, go to the cinema, concerts etc. In fact he seems to be doing what we did together before I found my weekends taken up with washing, cleaning, childminding, rugby practice, shopping etc.
Silly man doesn't understand that I don't want to be his friend or hear about what a fab time he's having. Our eldest son is very down at the moment, left school after GCSEs, refused to go to 6th form or college, has had no luck finding a job (not looked very hard, mind you) and I think he really needs his Dad, but he's told me "Dad hates me. He just wants his new family now". Told ex this, but I might as well have spoken to the wall in Swahili!

Wow! Not only did I get my act together to write a message, I also managed to send it to wherever it needed to go in cyberspace so that other people could read it, The Matterhorn here I come! Many thanks to rasher, Sera and NoRegrets for taking the time to respond and in so kindly a way. I'm trying to picture you all typing away, does your place look like a bombsite cum junk shop as well? To answer Sera's question yes I am divorcing in Scotland. I don't know who Fiona and Ella are, but wish them luck. Time to take the kids to school. Off to see new houses today. Let's see what's out there.

HI EBJ

welcome to wik from a fellow Scot

I fully understand what you are saying about keeping your own name - I dont use my "married" name any more bar on offical documents, I cant wait until I can have everything back in my own name. I like being "me" again, and not a Mrs.

Its hard telling the children, but it has to be done, anf children are often far more resilient than we as adults give them credit for. You sound like a great mum, and Im sure they will be fine.

Fiona and Elle are two wonderful ladies who are both experts in Scottish divorce law - they will be able to answer any questions you may have, and I will try to help if I can.

Bombsite cum junkshop - sounds like a nomal home with children to me!

Take Care

Ruby x

Welcome to Wiki EBJ

why not try the chat room it's a fab way to 'talk' to people, get support & even laugh... & yes my house looks like a bomb site too, hoping that's normal with small children & teenager!

take care
tash