I should despise her but I can't

Hi all

Eight days ago, I never dreamed I'd be posting on Wikivorce. Last Friday, my wife of 19 years announced to me that she was leaving home for another man, with whom she'd been having an affair for a couple of months. This was completely out of the blue to me. Since then, I've cycled through more emotions than I knew I had in me but mainly incomprehension, anger, pain and disgust.

I'm managing to write this now in a more controlled way having spoken to a few friends and family who have been supportive. My priority throughout the last week has been my two daughters, aged 11 and 14. I thought it was always the man who left. But my wife has left me and our daughters in the family home. And thereby lies one of my problems. I work full time, and although I've skived off a few things this week, I can't be at home everyday when the girls get back from school. My wife has moved in with this man only a short distance away so she has been coming home to meet the children. When I get home from work, there's an air of normality with food cooking, washing done, but then she leaves to go and spend the night with this man. Its not right.

But the girls are able to cope. They see their mum and dad most days as a result. But how far can this go? I feel used, and just bad. She claims shes not abandoning the children but shes the one who has been having the affair and has moved out. When shes round with the children, we speak quietly. And I like having her there! I have tried hard to hate her as I think it would make the situation bearable. But I can't. So the easiest was is to just go on, the girls are happy, they don't have to have much contact with her man, so I just accept that this is the best solution. But this must seem completely mad to you reading this!

Its early days I guess, but I need to keep some self respect out of this in the end, but I don't want to stop the girls seeing their mum and risk being the bad guy, which would be the case if I looked at other childcare options. I'm stuck. Help!

You are definitely in the right place, Downtime. Unfortunately as in many case, many times we are the last to know what is in our spouse's mind. You will find lots of good advice, re the posts but also join us in the chat room. xxx take care

Downtime, this must be very hard for you, but it does seem like the perfect solution. It saves you the expense of childcare, and your girls still see their mother and you every day.

Your wife moved on emotionally some time ago, but you are still getting over the shock of finding out that things weren't what you thought.

This is common in most marital breakdowns.

As for your domestic arrangements, if your daughters are happy that's great.

I don't think hating your wife would help. But it would help if you weren't about when she saw the girls. Perhaps she could go when you got back from work? At the moment it is all seemingly normal and then she leaves and it upsets you.

I found I was really upset when my ex came round to chat to me and our sons. I told him not to, in the end.

7 months on, I am now able to have a civilised conversation with him about our mutual friends, etc. But I've got used to being on my own and not relying on him.

Before you know it your 11 year old will be able to cope on her own after school and your current arrangements will have changed.

Hi Downtime

My situation is similar. My kids are 15 and 12. Remember that you can leave the 11 year old in the care of the 14 year old for an hour or two. It is not an ideal situation but is worth bearing in mind.

I have been in this situation for nearly a year, things are easier for me as I work from home so I am usually here when my 12 year old comes in.

It does get easier! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything

All the best

Steve

Thanks all. Wise words
I'm still in the one day at a time phase which I'm not used to. I need to have some future things to look forward to, events, holidays etc and its the uncertainty of what the future looks like which is adding to my anxiety.

As you say, No Regrets, my wife has already moved on. I never had the chance to challenge that or to try and make it work. By last Friday, she'd already made up her mind and there was nothing I could say to influence her decision. Its just been so quick.

Thanks again

Quick for you but maybe not for her.

My ex left a 31-year relationship with me to jump into bed with someone else. I went through a period of mourning and anger, but I'm mainly OK now.

Yes, you need to have things to look forward to. Plan a few treats - maybe a dvd and a pizza with your girls, or a trip to the cinema.

Contact all your friends and arrange to see them if possible.

Accept all invitations you get from anyone - be alert to new opportunities.

You'll get there. In 6 months time, promise to revisit this thread and you'll see how far you've come!