My story - sorry this could be long!

Hi everyone.

I found this site yesterday and already it has given me a lot of help. I hope that you will bear with my while I tell my story and apologies in advance for the length.

I have been living with my partner for 9 years, we have two small children aged 5 and 2. In 2005 my partner got offered a contract in Shanghai for 2 years. I gave up a great job where I was earning a good salary. His contract was extended and we are still living in Shanghai.

He has always been a heavy drinker but since we moved here it has deteriorated so badly I would say he is now an alcoholic. The results of this have been catastrophic to the point he spends all his salary and has maxed out his credit cards on drink. His life revolves around drinking. He has endangered his life on several occasions and been robbed twice, all whilst under the influence. I have spent nights wondering where he is and if he ok only for him to arrive home at 7am so drunk he can hardly walk. I have cleaned up his urine on hundreds of occasions where he has no control when drunk - he has done it on our childrens beds while they were sleeping, all over their toys you name it. He has no remorse and says that its just something he does! He will not get help as he won't admit he has a problem, and it is so bad we were not functioning as a family as weekends were spent with him sleeping off a hangover. I have been so desperate and frustrated with his actions for a long time.

Now to top it all, at the beginning of December he moved out with little more than a hastily scribbled note. In the month up to Xmas he hardly saw our boys and the times he was here he was asleep or drunk. On Xmas day I found out he has actually moved in with a 22 year old chinese bar girl.

He hardly sees his boys now, the odd hour or two at the weekend. Always putting them after her. This is what hurts the most. They really don't deserve the way he is treating them. They are amazing wonderful little boys and it has been so hard trying to explain to them what is happening. He has left this all to me to sort out. He will not even look after the boys in the evening on the rare occasion I get to go out. As far as he is concerned it is "not his problem and he is not my effing babysitter". Not a nice man really.

Now I need to make plans to come home to the UK. I need to be near to my family and I have no financial support here any more. We have a family home in the UK which is rented out but will be vacant in May so I have to stay here until then. I have no idea how I will cope financially when I return, it is a very daunting prospect.

I really don't know which way to turn next. We have no savings as he has drunk them all. Luckily his company are financing my return and our shipment of belongings back to the UK.

I have some great friends here who have been very supportive but sometimes I think that I am boring them when I talk about things so much.

I know deep down that I am better off without him, he is ruining his life and he has dragged me down with him. He has treated me and the boys dreadfully over the last two years in particular. I am quite a strong person but what he has done to me has really knocked me back and I am scared for the futures of my two boys.

Expat life here is great if you are a western man. You have girls and women literally throwing themselves at you, with their ultimate goal to get a passport and a ticket out of here. They have no morals about whose life they are screwing up.

My main worries are financial really, particularly as he has now told me he plans to stay in China when his contract ends later this year. If he decides not to pay any child support there will be nothing I can do. He has already told me he wants 50% of the money from the house which is in joint names, despite that I put around 90K deposit against his nil!

I'm sorry for the length of this rambling post. I could actually go on for hours but you would all be falling asleep through boredom!

Dear Bev

What a rotten time you are having. It must be hell.

Do you not have family you could camp with until your house is unoccupied? I assume not, otherwise you would probably have done it.

On the subject of splitting the proceeds of the house equally, I think you can put up a good argument to the Court (if that is where it ends up) that, as your housing needs are greater than his and as you are unlikely to receive any spouse or child maintenance, you should get significantly more than 50%. Don't let him get away with it.

Hi Bevs

Welcome to Wiki - sorry that you have a need to be here though. You will find the site a wealth of information, advice and support.

Im not able to answer any of your questions regarding moving back to the UK, and any legal implications that may involve.

However, I can fully sympathise with you regarding your ex's drinking. He sounds very much like my ex. The denial - why cant they see what they are doing to themselves? Its heartbreaking watching someone you care about drink so heavily, and them not being aware of the impact it has on those around them. They become selfish, self-centered, blinkered by the need to drink. As you said in your post, the only thing they can or will think about is the next drink. Like your ex, mine also spent a great deal of money on alcohol - he would even have the cheek to roll home from the oub and declare that we needed to spend less money on food and heating because "we" were spending too much! The urinating - my ex would pass out on the armchair, and wet himself - not present having to tell a middle-aged man to go and change his clothes because of his lack of bladder control. The lack of family time - my ex would refuse to do anything that might impact on his drinking time - he wouldnt come on family holidays, or have family time at weekends, so as a result, we did nothing as a family. The impact that someone's drinking has on those around them is catastrophic - my girls suffered a great deal, they never smiled or laughed, were too scared to make any noise because of the verbal backlash and hid in thier bedrooms. I was regulary blamed for everything that went wrong - from the coalman not turning up, to him running out of drink in the house.He once told me that it was my fault no-one liked him!

What I have learned since he left (he chose to continue drinking over the marriage) is that I was not to blame, that he has an addiction that needs to be treated but he is the only one who can take that first step of admitting he has a problem.I did all I could to get him that help, but he didnt want it. I no longer feel guilty that I couldnt help him.

He (your ex) will regret his actions and behaviour in time, esp towards your boys. Recovering alcoholics are always full of remorse.

All you can do is get out, move back home, and start to rebuild your life. Be there for your boys, dont feel guilty about anything - you have done nothing wrong. Moving back to the UK is a good move, this way you will have the support you need from your family.

There are many like us on Wiki - and Im sure others will respond to you post with support and wise words. The chatroom is a great place for support, inane banter and just company when you are feeling alone.

Take Care

Ruby xx

Wow,

I never knew how much some of you suffered. Here was I feeling all sorry for myself because my W left me due to various things. One was drinking, but I NEVER got anywhere near to your H's behaviour, only overslept a few times and fell over once or twice after a night at the pub. I didn't spend much money on alcohol either, in fact my W spent more on wine than I did on cider / lager!.

It must have been / is terrible for you.

I hope that you both (Ruby and Bevs) get your lives back on track and have a much much happier future.

Take Care

Lsot

thank you for your kind words.

My life is back on track now, my girls are happy, smiling, laughing again - and no longer hide away. Ive since met someone who has shown me what its like to be loved and treated with the upmost respect.

Bevs - keep us posted on how things are going, and remember that you are not alone, feel free to send me a private msg anytime.

Ruby xx

Bevs

What a ghastly time you are having! But you have made the right decision for yourself, the children, and maybe your stbx too.

Remember this when the going gets really grim. It will get better.

My ex has gone off with someone else and only sees our sons once a week. My elder son (now 17) has said on several occasions that his Dad doesn't care about him, which is heart-breaking. I think their Dad does care, but not enough to put himself out for them.

But I guess all you can do in your situation is to explain to the children that Daddy has an illness which has changed his personality.

You will feel better when you are back in the UK among friends and able access more support.

I just wanted to say thanks to you all for making me feel welcome and giving me so much support, advice and encouragement.

I am so glad I found this website, I have been scratching around for information on the web and now this is the only place I need to look for both friends and support!

Bev x