Hi, done divorce + children matters.

Hi everyone

Stumbled across this forum after a link from another site.

Me and the ex separated a good while ago now, 2004, when our daughter was 15 months old. The ex she announced the separation - we'd been having problems, the usual (little money, little space, little family support), it didn't take her too long to fall into the arms of an ex BF 2 weeks post-separation, that didn't last long. I went into a state of shock for 2 weeks and dragged myself off the floor, never losing sight of my love for my daughter and was determined to fight for her right to have a meaningful relationship with her father.

We went to family mediation which was very useful actually - agreed on matters such as selling the FMH and other matters. As the marriage was short (4 1/2 years), we were relatively young, the ex went back to work and wasn't a stay at home mum, daughter went to fulltime nursery (which I paid the fees for), the issues of ancillary relief didn't really come up, nor of a pension share - so a divorce on 2 years and a Consent Order was agreed at mediation.

The childcare was another matter. As I was living with friends and then in a shared house (because I couldn't afford my own place - paying off our joint debts, paying towards the FMH and fulltime nursery fees leave you with very little) it meant that I couldn't have madam staying o/n really, but we managed by travelling to my parents every 3/4 weeks for a long weekend. That was good. That went on nearly 2 years.

The FMH was sold, monies released to help pay off debt, I could afford to rent my own place and madam gradually moved into a shared care arrangement of roughly 50:50 shared care (she was 3 at the time), she enjoyed and benefited from it immensely. All the time she had been badgering to stay at daddies more (in fact the ex wanted madam to stay at mine more - I later found out because she was seeing some guy who was having IVF treatment with his fiance! )

Gradually the ex tried to unilaterally change this shared care arrangement and refused to go back to mediation to discuss matters (why? who knows), tried all sorts of tactics such as trying to collect daughter from nursery early, badmouthing me to our 3 year old daughter (a nice touch I thought). Eventually she made an application to court for a sole res order. It was only a matter of time before it went to court realistically.

At first I had a solicitor - who was worse than useless. After a disastarous first directions hearing (which resulted in a 50% cut in 'contact'), I was left devestated. I sacked her arse and self-represented myself as a LIP and used the help of a McKenzie friend.

Appealed the first directions hearing to a circuit judge (didn't get the appeal granted of course!), it went to further directions hearing, a CAFCASS report was ordered and on the basis of a favourable cafacass report a shared residence order was made.

Oh and in the middle of this, I met a wonderful lass who has supported me through all of this, the ex didn't have a problem per se with her (which is not the case for everyone), and she fell pregnant when it was all going through the courts to boot. That was a bit of a nightmare actually. New daughter was born about a month after the further directions hearing, we kept the pregnancy from the ex until just before the cafcass investigation and my first daughter was and is overjoyed at her new sibling.

The cost? Well in terms of emotional fallout - incalculable. I suffered a couple of periods of depression and was on ADs, my work suffered, I was signed off with stress once. Luckily I'm better now but it never leaves you and I am damaged. Everyone who goes through parental separation is damaged in different ways.

Financially? Well, it would have cost me a hell of a lot more! Me and the ex weren't eligible for legal aid - I estimate her costs at 6k odd. And that is for a relatively simple 2 hearing case! All the money from the FMH sale has gone. I'm skint and so is the ex.

When daughter reached school age, the ex, rather hiliariously said she would be entitled to the same monies as full-time nursery fees (£550 a month) ... knowing what the CSA calculation was taking into account the amount of time daughter lives with me (approx. 30-35% of the year) and the fact of a new sibling, I knew she would get less. She was just damn greedy and controlling nothing less - sums up her attitude actually during our marriage when I look back, passive aggression.

We came to a private arrangement and I paid a bit more - then she made an application to the CSA thinking she would get more. Now she gets less as the CSA calculation was correct. Why? Needless stress. It's all about control.

During all of this I found a couple of websites invaluable - dads-uk.co.uk and Families Need Fathers (FNF).

I found support at my local branch of FNF and found my McK friend via them. In fact I owe my McK everything, she was brilliant help and support.

Now I am the chair of my local FNF branch as the previous chair moved down south. It's quite strange being 'on the other side' but very rewarding to help people who are going through the same thing. I've also started doing McKenzie friend work, the circle has turned full now!

As for the divorce - well that was really straightforward actually. We had agreed stuff at mediation and that was the basis. I knew the ex didn't have the monies to contest it and faced no real prospect of trying to get any money for AR due to the shortness of the marriage, daughter was in full-time nursery and the ex works full-time. So I was the petitioner (I was DAMNED if she was going to be the petitioner after instigating the split!) and applied for a consent order too for a full and final clean financial break. It progressed quite smoothly to nisi and absolute.

So there you have it.

I didn't think my life would go like this - separated from wife, living in a shared house, seeing my daughter when the ex would "allow" - all before I was 33.

Now things have turned out a bit better, it's still a long journey and I think I'll have to seek some more counselling as I wonder if there is some sort of post-traumatic stress thing going on. I've been stressed very highly for years now and I'm worried about the effect on my health.

I intend to keep on this forum and help out in any way I can with advice on the children section as that's my area of expertise - court process, statements, strategy, cafcass etc.

What a story Jitsuka! . Thanks for sharing.

I'm sure your help will be invaluable.

Always good to hear about people who've gone through the whole process and come out the other side.

Thanks for the replies!