Divorcing after 23 years of marriage..

New to this site today..

My marriage is ending after 23 years. I have never worked, opened a bill or put petrol in the car. How will I cope? My husband has always worked very long hours, often leaving the house at 6 in the morning and not returning till 9 or later in the evening, he also travels abroad quite regularly. I have enjoyed my role as mother and wife, it suited both of us.

I have three children, a boy just finishing his degree, a 17 year old son and a daughter of 11.

My husband has seen a solicitor and tells me that I am entitled to a 70 - 30 split on the equity in our home. Great I will have a roof over my head and a home for my children. What he does seem reluctant to tell me is how on earth I am meant to afford this and live.

He has always been incredibly secretive about his earnings, we dont have a joint bank account. He has given me an allowance. He keeps no paper work at home and will never discuss money.

I have managed to find out that he has cashed in stock options last year. He started a new job this year and took a third of his salary as a joining on fee. He has told me that he should be guaranteed this amount yearly, but who knows!!!

Just feeling incredibly vulnerable, lonely, foolish and a failure.

Hi Bluebell (lovely choice for a name, my fav flower!)

First of all, you're not a failure! (I know we all felt that!)

You will cope with things for one simple reason, you HAVE to. I know that may sound a bit harsh, but it's true. I felt exactly the same, but the fact that you have managed to find this site shows you are a capable person!.

I'm not sure about the financial side of things as I have worked all my life, I am sure that the girls on the forum (or chaps better in the know than me) will help you with that one.

THe first thing you must do now, is to look after yourself, then your children. The most important being that you try to eat sensibly and get as much sleep as you need.

Take Care

Hallo and welcome (though its always sad to welcome someone going through the pain of separation)

Opening bills is easy, its paying them that takes effort! I've never put petrol in a car either.

Ok. Two things you need to consider
a) the emotional stuff. You can deal with this in whatever way works best for you. Cry. Scream. Hit a cushion. Stuff your face with chocolate. Read escapist trash. Whatever.
I've done the crying, smashing things, counselling, anti-depressants, holiday, house clear-out and 7 months on I am a happier person, though I do have down days.

b) practical stuff
as you have never worked, you will probably be entitled to some form of spousal support until you can find a job. You don't say how old you are, but there are lots of jobs that you could do or you could think about training for a new career. It may be scary but its also exciting! If you find a job that provides 16 hours a week you will be eligible for working tax credit and child tax credit. Check details here:

www.taxcredits.inlandrevenue.gov.uk/Qual...atAreTaxCredits.aspx

As you are only adult in the household you also qualify for 25% discount on your council tax.

Once you start taking action to sort things you will feel empowered. I felt so chuffed when I sorted out my internet connection without my ex. It's liberating, believe me!

I have no intention of letting a man make decisions about my life ever again.

I was with my ex for 31 years so you can see I've had a bit of adjusting to do. He is with younger woman and her 2 young children (except every other weekend when her ex has them and they are a couple) and I am with two angry and disappointed teenage boys, the eldest of whom has left school and got no job. But I have learned to do what I can and not to worry about what I can't.

You'll get there - but it requires time and action.

I would advise you to find a good family solicitor and tell them your situation and get advice as fast as you can. Although I was married to my husband, and he left me, the House was solely in his name and I had to fill in a form and register my home rights and send to the Land Registry to prevent him selling the property without my knowledge. I also petitioned for the divorce and although this has cost me a lot, the Decree Nisi has just been issued and he has to pay all the costs of the divorce (even though he opposed this) as it was on unreasonable behaviour. So I am hoping to get most of my solicitors fees reimbursed. As you are not working you will probably be entitled to legal aid. I have also found my solicitor a great source of help with regards to child contact and to sound out whether or not ex's behaviour towards the children is acceptable, contact, etc. She is a member of Resolution (solicitors) where they try and sort out matters concerning children in a constructive way. It certainly made me feel better and that I had a little bit more control over the situation which up until that time I felt I had no control over.

hi bluebell,

Sorry to hear tha things are so bad for you at the moment.

My husband left in nov with his best friends wife and although i knew things wernt right between us, i didnt see it coming.
It is a great shock, and in all the hurly burly of solicitors meetings, friends well meant, but often misleading advice; you can begin to feel bewildered.

My experience is that as long as you take a deep breath and think hard before you answer anything that people say to you, you,ll be okay. People unfortunately do not always think before they speak and can appear quite tactless.

Another thing i find useful is to sit at the end of each day and write down, what happenend - as regards who you saw (solicitors bank managers etc) and the gist of what was discussed. and what you need to do about what they told you.
Otherwise you can get swamped in demands for paperwork, bank statements etc, and forget whose has the originals.

As the other member just said, you found this site, which was a good first step towards independence, and it is full of brilliant information. resist the urge to feel you are alone, you are not. I hope that all works out well for you in the long run, and on those darkest of days (we all get them), try to look for the positives.

I remind myself daily, that at least i have my children and a roof over my head.

Take care

Chelle