New here - Building up strength

Hi,

I am new to wikivorce and I am hoping it can help me out. I want to leave my husband of 10 years and I am having trouble buidling the strength to actually leave. I know that this is the right decision for me. We have gone through marriage counseling and nothing seems to help. We got pregnant a couple months ago but then I lost the baby on Jan. 15th. He did not react to the loss and that was the final straw for me. That event opened my eyes and made me realize that I need to just let go. I'm 31 and I can still start over. My friends and family are all very supportive. I am the type of person who doesn't like to hurt other people's feelings or let them down. I think that is why I am having such a hard time with this. I know I should think about myself, but I don't want to hurt him. I'm not angry or upset with him. I just know that I want more than he can offer.

Any advice?

Thanks!

I'm a bit anxious about saying this but....I don't dare miss it out.....I assume you have taken into account that your shock of the lost baby may be having a significant effect upon your attitude to the relationship?

And I assume you are really sure the marriage has broken down for good.

OK, you have so let's move on.

I suggest that you choose a sensible and truthful friend (you know, the type who will tell you if you are wrong as well as right!) to lean on. Also, do lean on the people in this Forum.

I'd decide what you want to achieve from leaving and make a list, then plan for each thing how you'll get there. Just in outline. You might need help from a friend or even a lawyer on some bits.

Then try to discuss this with your husband, maybe with the help of a mediator.

If you can agree how to proceed through the legal bits of ending the marriage you will save a lot of money and stress.

And, take care of yourself!

I am so sorry you lost your baby. I've had a miscarriage too and it is very distressing.

I'd reiterate, are you sure your marriage is over or are you grieving over your lost baby and wanting support which your husband can't offer?

If you do want out, the sooner you discuss it with your husband the better. If you can stay civil so much the better it will save a lot of heartache and money.

Welcome to wiki hun.

Firstly sorry for your loss, losing a baby is never easy. I feel for you. Your hubby probably reacted as many do to the loss of a pregnancy very unemotional..i don't think it's deliberate I think they just don't know what to say, and for them it's not the same bond as we have.

Not many people like to deliberately hurt others but you need to do what's right for you and if counselling and the like aren't working then best to move on now before children are involved. You are young enough to start again. I'm 29 with 3 sons, it's not the end for me just the beginning of something new.

Sit and talk to him you owe it to yourself and to him to find happiness be it apart or together.

Good Luck

Puds xx

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I have considered that the loss of the baby is affecting my decision. I actually told my husband last August that I wanted a divorce. That's when we tried marriage counseling. We found out in December that we were pregnant and rather than be excited with the news, I was scared. I felt trapped. We had not yet figured out if our marriage was going to work and now I was pregnant. I feel like I have been given another chance to figure things out before bringing a baby into this world. I honestly feel that if I keep coming back to these feelings of wanting to leave because I'm not happy, I should act on them now.

Thanks again for all of your help. I truly appreciate it.

Dear florida girl, my husband left me in June 2004 and returned three months later. I wondered if it was going to work and like you I too became pregnant - it was a complete shock as I had been through early menopause many years early and had been told I could have any more children. I know how you feel - I felt trapped too - we seperated three months ago and our daugther is 3 in a couple of weeks. I look on her as a blessing and cherish her every minute of every day. I am so so sorry for your loss. Over the last three years I have had many many moments when I either told him I as unhappy or felt it and kept it to myself. He never took my unhappiness seriously and despite giving hiim everything it wasnt enough. Only you know if you are doing the right thing - for me - despite knowing I will miss him terribly, I know he has to go for my feelings have disintegrated to such a level that I dont know whether I will miss him or just dont actually want to be left. Be strong - we are here to support you but dont rush into anything. Take care of yourself too - you have had a horrid few weeks. xxx