Any advice please?

Kataybaa,

If there's no expectation of a reconciliation, then expediting a divorce with settlement is the best for you and your stbx, and hopefully for your children.

Divorce is no blame. So the settlement should not be dependant on what happened. The priorities in a divorce are the children (their care & housing AND parental contact), and then ancillary relief.

So the full arrangements for divorce put matters into a formal arrangement.

The big risk is that your stbx makes contact difficult because emotionally she blames you, ie you are "irresponsible" and therefore she makes it difficult for you to have contact. Make sure that your behaviour is impeccable, or you may be providing ammunition for your contact to be denied.

best wishes

Kalamari

Hi Richard

I can't help but quite like you. The fact that you say nothing bad about your wife is admirable; the fact that you are not blaming your wife one iota for your falling for this other woman is a credit to you.

To be honest none of you are in a pleasant situation at the moment. Take time out, look around, see the hurt, see your responsbilities and sort them out, i.e. ensure the children and your stbx have a home and enough financial support from yourself.

Many people may say that we cannot help who we fall in love with. I do not agree with that at all. I am of the belief that if one wants a relationship with another person but you are already in a relationship, end the relationship you are in first before emarking on the other relationship. Cake and eat it springs to mind.

Anyway, its done now. All I can say is we all make mistakes, hurt people, etc. etc. so we have no right to judge others. Good luck and keep on this site, we will all help where we can. Jo

I agree with Jo. It is done now and its really finding the best solution for retaining a good close relationship with your children - as this is something that you only get once chance of and it can affect both them and you for life.

If your wife will not give you a divorce then you cannot force her at the moment. Again respect to you that you are not blaming her for this situation. The options are limited, maybe your wife will change her mind in due course. Once the acceptance that her marriage is over sinks in, if it does, she will also get to a point where she will want to move on with her life too.

If your girlfriend is meant to be then she will wait for you to be free - its not as though she did not know what she was getting into.

I don't have a magic answer I am afrain but please remember that your childrens early years go by very quickly and I would hate for you to regret missing out on them for anything. You will never get the chance again.

I am pleased that you are all being so restrained with your answers.

I just typed a very long response but in hindsight have deleted it because it wouldn't have painted me in a very nice light.

If you know my story, you will know why. My sympathies lie firmly with the poor wife who must be devastated by the lies, cheating and deceit.

Just another weak man who has contracted yellow fever whilst living in Asia!

Kataybaa - Your children should be your first and only priority.

Yes so many of us have been there and been victims of continual lies and deceit.
When the OW finally left her family and was forced to move in with him as she had nowhere else to go he changed to just offer the children time that he had available over the weekends if she was busy.
He has never asked when they want to see him and does nothing in the week.
Before she moved in he still cared a lot about them and saw them regularly, now they have lost any respect they ever had for him.
When he comes to regret the huge mistake he has made it will be too late to make it up to them.
My 15 yr old D doesnt even want to speak to him at the moment and neither want to meet the trollop.
Think very very carefully about what you are doing. Those children are your future, how would you feel if you couldnt see them very often.
They should come first because the time will come when you long to be with them. You dont want them to turn against you.
I may be very hurt and struggling but my children give me joy.

Hi Bevs

I do so agree with you as regards the weakness of men. There is no point in berating this man (Richard) but in giving advice to him that will help his wife and children. I was abused throughout my marriage, but stayed in it, not really knowing that i was abused, if you see what I mean! It was mental abuse from a very inadequate man who was frightened that one day I would leave him.

His fears all came true and I have left him in spite of his abuse which kept me with him for so many years and would have continued to have done so if a light had not switched on in my head.

Anyway, what I have found through counselling and a support group that I attended for abused partners is that men who leave their partners and children (because leave the children they do when they leave their wives, even though they may not like to say it as such) for other women are basically insecure, inadequate men who constantly need to be told how wonderful they are.

I am soo much stronger, more independent, more fun, more fulfilled, more everything since I got shut of my ex - painful as it was to be told that he had had sex (or at least said he did) with everyone and anyone he wanted.

So I say, let the OW have them, these men will always be the same. The OW won't be enough at the end of the day and wont stroke the pathetic little boy's ego enough and if the ex has children with the OW he will be in the position he was with the first wife and oh my will he one day regret leaving the first wife. I have known many people who this have happened to.

Anyway back to Richard. Lets help him to the do the best for his stbx and his children.