Any advice please?

Hi, My name is Richard and I am kind of new to this sort of thing. Let me explain my situation although its kind of complicated. I am married although currently not living with my wife and 2 kids. For the past two years I have been in a relationship with another woman. The complication is like this, I was living in Singapore until recently with my wife and family until my wife found out about my other relatonship. In addition, the woman I am having a relationship lived in Thailand. After my wife found out about the other woman she decided to take the kids back home to the UK and for various reasons too complicated to explain I decided to resign my job there and also come back to the UK...although as I said we are not currently living together. My girlfriend on the other hand is now living in the USA while I try and sort out the mess of my relationship. I want to get a divorce in order to be with my girlfriend...she can't come to the UK (visa restrictions) unless I am free to marry her which I am not currently. My wife is reluctant to give me a divorce for various reasons which means unless I leave the UK and get a job in Thailand I can't be with my girlfriend. If I go to Thailand, I will have to accept that I won't see my kids very often which is a very tough prospect.

So, thats me, what a mess. Anyone with any ideas or advice would be really appreciated

Richard

you know what your choices are...but what are your priorities? 'girlfriends' come and go but children should be for life... sorry if this isn't the advice you wanted but how do think your wife and children are feeling...uprooting to come back to england, their whole lives being turned upside down and it appears that all your interested in are the logistics of the situation...marrying your girlfriend or being a part of your childrens lives...?

Your wife doesn't have to give you a divorce. You can divorce her, citing unreasonable behaviour. It doesn't have to be unreasonable, just stuff you find unreasonable.

My husband dumped me and our two teenage sons for a younger woman and has had a good time ever since. He was too much of a coward to tell me when he started his affair with her. I can't tell you how much pain I felt, so please realise that your wife is probably very very upset and the least you can do for everyone is to be as considerate as you can.

It hurt me most of all that my husband has clearly demonstrated to his two sons that he'd rather spend 99.9% of his time with another woman and her two children, than with them. I am sure its hurt them too, but they won't talk about it.

Its the kind of advice I expected actually...its OK I am all to aware of the implications of this situation. Believe it or not I care very much about my children but things have broken down very badly between my wife and I...anyhow thanks for your thoughts

Thanks for your thoughts..I know that I am in the wrong and I know all too well that my wife is very hurt and upset with me. I am trying very hard to be considerate, believe it or not, I love my kids very much but like many men, find it hard to show them. Thanks

Hi Richard

I expect you will understand from the replies you have received that alot of the people on this site have been hurt by their partners leaving them for others. You say you had been having an affair for 2 years until your wife found out. I would question whether you indeed love the 'other' woman as much as you perhaps think you do, because at the end of the day you didn't leave your wife for her. It appears from your post that your wife left you upon finding out about your affair.

It seems that you neither have your wife or girlfriend at present. Maybe that is good because it gives you time to assess the damage you may have done to your wife and children. Your wife, because she was duped for two years. And your children because you clearly have hurt their mother very badly.

As one of of the other members has posted - your children are yours for life, wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends can come and go. Maybe you no longer love your wife, but she surely does deserve your respect.

You can divorce your wife after two years separation (with her agreement) or five years (without) or you can divorce her for unreasonable behaviour. But seriously consider is that what you want to do.

You do seem to have a great emphasis for the feelings you have for your children, I applaud that. If you are meant to be with your girlfriend, you will be, but please put all your attentions on your children at the moment and ask for forgiveness from your wife. She did not deserve two years of deceit. Two years of her life lost when she could have found someone deserving of her.

Sorry if I sound cruel, but unless your wife was an ogre, you must admit your treatment of her has been cruel and undeserving.

I hear you very well and yes I knew I was asking for some straight talking if I posted my story on this website. I am well aware of the pain that my deceit has caused and feel very bad about it; my wife is not an ogre...we had our problems as you might imagine. Your comments are not cruel they are just honest. As much as things have broken down between us, I cannot claim unreasonable behaviour beacuse the truth is she has not been unreasonable, far from it in fact. She's just very sad and hurt.

You are right, basically I have tried to extract myself from the pressure of both relationships to try and get my head straightened out and do something good and right and respectable and honourable etc. Maybe you are right about the other woman, I don't know - there's a nagging feeling inside that says it might all fall apart if we ever got together permenantly. I don't know if you can understand this but I do care for my wife and kids although it might not seem like it from my actions. I just love another woman unfortunately... Thanks for your note