6 months and its over!

Hi ive just joined because i need to be around people who know what im going through, my best friend who does help just says "oh get rid, you will be fine" shes been happily married for 17 years with 6 lovely kids.
anyway, ive just turned 40, been rejected most my life by every boyfriend i had, finally met my husband, engaged after 4 months, and talking divorce after 6! I thought i had finally found someone who wanted "me", i was wrong, weve argued so much about financial matters, he cant sell his house, which he has now moved back to, since October, christmas was hard, i cant move there which is 30 minutes away, as stupidly i have never passed my driving test, my business is here, we wanted a baby, but thats out the window, as my small 1 bedroom flat is horrid.
hes given up, and with all the arguments doesnt want to try anymore, hes told me hes not coming back, but wont say the "D" word, which i know he wants, im falling apart, as i know, if we got our situation sorted,which im trying, im doing driving lessons, we could work it out, but hes just given up.
im hurting so much, and feel so out off controle, wish i had the strenght to say the word, but it makes me feel sick to think about never holding him again, im at my wits end, and cant seem to face the days on my own, ive been rejected again by the one person i thought worshipped me, my wedding is still so fresh in my mind, its all gone wrong!!!!

Hi Samaa

am so sorry to hear your story .
You will get lots of support here from people who know what you are going through , as you say , friends mean well but simply cant relate to the dreadful feelings of loss and rejection .
Just now you need to look after yourself , things may seem desperate now , but there is light at the end of the tunnel , you will feel better again .... i remember reading that when i first joined this site , that time would help etc , I wasnt at all sure back then , i couldnt see a future for myself at all , i just kept thinking , "im on my own again , why me !"
but , i do feel better ( 7 months on ) , i can see a future and its not all bad .... and you will get over this too and come out the other end a stronger person .
take care

shiny

Hi Shiny, thanks for your reply, i feel not so alone, i spoke to him last night and all he kept saying is "dunno" when i questioned him about a divorce, he keeps on saying lets stay seperated, but not see each other, now thats plain silly, if theres a leagal reason behind it, maybe hes working out ways to not loose anything financially, and keeping me hanging, i dont know, im trying to be strong, and think of all the horrible things he does, to convince myself im better without him, but the thought of being divorced after only 6 months, hes hardly tried, and he gave me a dream of finally having a family, and thats gone, so im also grieving for a child i will never have!

Hi samaa,

My second husband also decided he wanted a divorce after just six months of marriage; so I know exactly what you're going through.

The fact is: Neither can apply for divorce until you've been married for One year, so you could invite him to counselling over the next few months since his attitude is "dunno". If after that time he cannot get past the teething troubles, then you'll have to go through Divorce Hell for possibly three times the length of the marriage; before you can truley move on.

In short term marriage; each usually takes out what they brought in; and if you have your own flat (albeit not nice) then your immmediate housing needs are met; as are his with his occupation of his home.

If you made contribution to his house (?) then we can advise further.

Sadly there's no compensation to not having had children. But many friends of mine had children post-forty; so there's hopefully still time. I think it's better he's abandoned you before; and not left holding a child. You are young enough to get a Clean Break and move on.

thankyou for your advice, we split becoz of all the arguments about moving, he wanted me to move to his house but i dont drive, he thinks my hair salon is taking over, but i cant drop my career, i dont drive, that doesnt help, im now about to start so im trying, but hes just shut down saying the arguments have just got to much.thanks again

Dear Samaa, welcome, to echoo your best friend - if he has chucked the towel in at the first bout then you are well rid. Marriage is a series of ups and downs, the vows sum it up perfectly. you could try counselling but you both have to want it to work - my marriage was hard - we faced so many trials of the years and got through them all with a laugh on our faces. I know it is over now but we are one of the rare ones I think because we can still communciate (at the moment anyway). You have two options really, try to sort it out with him or write it off and move on - to be honest it sounds as if you would be better off moving on. There will be others here giving you advice so take it all on board because it is all extremely handful and then make your decision base on what you want not what he wants, what you want. I hope it all works out for you but take care of yourself.

samaa wrote:

we split becoz of all the arguments about moving, he wanted me to move to his house again

It used to be normal that a newly married couple would leave home and start a fresh, new (married) life together foreging their own new life together.

But by the time we hit forty; we often come with homes, businesses and often children from a time before we were married.

What I see of his action, is a refusal to compromise, a stubborn boy saying "It's MY way, or the Highway"! and if you won't go and become an asseccory to HIS life; then he has no place for you.

(If that's his attitude, then yes, you are better off without him). Even from the limited informattion you've posted, I can see big, warning signs flashing 'CONTROL FREAK!'

It sounds like he wants you away from the things you value in YOUR life, why should be feel that your career (your Salon) is taking over? You don't have kids and so being at work is the norm.

Again, destroying what gives you strength and moving you out of your comfort zone is typical of controlling men. (My ex did this; and I wasn't even aware of it happening)....

He clearly can't deal with the reality of having a marriage; (suggesting you live seperately is commitment-phobes usual line). My ex told friends that he'd always suggested we live seperately. (That wasn't the case; he was desperate for me to move to his house, desperate that we got married)... and for him to change his smind six months later.

If I were you; I'd simply get on with your work; put him on the back burner; because it's not realistic for you to live at his, besides he's saying he doesn't want the marriage, and he's fed up with the rows about finance. (If there's problems with finance; each usually attempts to work harder). He doesn't sound like he'd make good father material, he sounds too selfish.