Controlling husband, Weak Wife :(

I am absolutely sure that I am right in leaving my verbally abusive husband, not least to protect our 6 month old daughter from his temper and violent rages. However, I have yearned so much for us to be a family that I keep being charmed by him and whenever I spend time in his presence I forget all the awful stuff that has gone before and yearn for his affection. He loves me still and he is a jekyll and hyde type character who can charm me one minute but once I am with him and under his influence and control he treats me like dirt. I am seeing him for the first time next month since I said I wanted to seperate for good. How can I stop this neverending cycle and be hard enough to resist his advances?!!!

Anyone else had this problem?

Gosh there is tons of stuff in the forum on "Chaming Man" syndrome...have a good mooch around hunny.

Welcome to Wiki btw

You said it yourself-

you are absolutely sure you should leave him.

So , what is happening when he charms you ? It is cynical manipulation in order that he can reclaim a victim again.
Do you want a " family " with this man ?
Perhaps you want a family life with SOMEONE, but surely he is the wrong someone?

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to remove yourself permanently.
He is not genuine when he seems charming. It is play acting, whether he consciously understands this or not.

How to break the cycle?

Just break it- end of.

it is hard. my ex was not controlling, but he was the source of my misery and yet again i hung onto him for dear life. now i realise why did i put up with so much.

you and your girl are the most important people in the world now. u need to do what is best for you both

take care
claudette

sgreen wrote:

Anyone else had this problem?

Yep. Many of us! (Men and women).

Womens group Refuge wrote a book called:
'Charm Syndrome Man' (why charming men make dangerous lovers)with lots of Jekyl and Hyde type Case studies.
I refer to this as the 'Push/Pull' syndrome. He pushes you away, then pulls you back.

This behaviour stops only when either of two things happen:

1: He agrees to get help with his Anger Management. (This might not 'change' his behaviour, very few men recognise their faults, very few seek help, and if they do - very few change as a result)

2: You stop playing 'victim'. You call "check mate" on his Game.

There are threads and threads about this written daily. What's interesting for you now, is the family dynamic has changed. (You're parents) and his behaviour is not healthy (or safe) for you and your child. If you thought you were weak (possibly due to issues of low-self esteem and low self-worth) then use your maternal skills in ensuring that your new baby does not become a victim also.

Recognise that you are still in love with the potential of who he might be! And probably not in love with the Monster he becomes.