Divorce agreement

My wife has within the last 2 weeks told me that she is going to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. She is a non- working mother to our 2 children. SHe has told me that she wishes to borrow the mortgage defecit from her parents to pay them back over a period of 10 yrs. and buy me out of the property. On my youngest childs 18th birthday or sooner if the situation arrises she will relase 40% of house value to me. I am also to give the car to her value approx £1,500.
Any savings I have I can keep to obtain a deposit for my own property- approx £20,000. She states that she will not go for my personel pension or future claims upon me, but expects a maintainace of £130 per week.

Although devestated by the divorce I must accept that the children must come 1st.
At present I am still living in our home and because of mistrusts on the outcome of the financial settlement once solicitors get involved, but the situation is getting very uncomfortable for both parties as hostilites are very frequent.
Can anyone advise me on how to ensure that whatever happens in the future we do not get dragged into a long and costly divorce.
We have been married for 8.5 years and our children are 5 & 2.
I am desperate to get another decent property not only for myself but to enable them to stay with me as often as possible.

Avoiding a long and costly divorce means both you and your wife need to come to an agreement about finances and childcare. You can use a mediator who will help you to come to agreement.

This agreement can be made legally binding in court.

What costs the money is if both parties cannot agree, so that a court has to decide and solicitors and barristers get involved.

I am sorry to hear about your problems. There are two alternatives to a costly divorce - one is to sort things out yourselves. Some people do manage it, but it is not exactly common.

The other alternative is to go to mediation, which can have a number of advantages over the traditional route to divorce - usually it is cheaper, quicker and far less aggressive than going to solicitors. The first point is important because the income that has financed one household may have to be stretched to cover two - so the less money that is removed from the family pot the better. The third point is important because less aggression should mean less animosity - and you are going to have some sort of a continuing relationship due to the children.

The whole ethos of mediation revolves around the two of you working to resolve a problem that affects both of you. You have to be prepared to compromise and a good mediator should be able take the heat out of the situation and bring you to a fair and sustainable agreement.

Not all mediation is the same or has the same end "product". You will find there is a long article on the subject in the library on this site.

Aztec 1, I recently spoke to my solicitor about equity release at some distant point in time. Not an issue for me but it came up in conversation. She said it is fraught with difficulties. If the other party refuses to release equity (maybe by then she can't afford it, who knows what will happen over the next 16 years) then your only recourse is to lengthy and expensive legal action. Just thought you should know.
She seems to be calling all the shots, i.e. you must give her the car etc. We all know that the kids come first, but you need to sit yourself down and see what you want out of this. And if you don't want expensive solicitors involved then firstly talk to your wife with your wants and needs and assuming that doesn't work try mediation. If she still digs her heels in you should let her know that if necessary you will involve solicitors.
You don't say whether or not her claims of unreasonable behavior are justified. Maybe they are in which case maybe any upcoming bumpy ride is of your own making. But 'unreasonable behavior' covers a multitude of sins, from leaving the loo seat up to getting blind drunk 6 nights a week. Often it's just in the eye of the beholder.
As for still living together in the MH, you absolutely must switch off. Which means not responding to any potential cause of a row. Count to 20 every time before you even thinki of reacting. Hard, but doable. Just walk away. If no benefit will come off an argument, don't have it. I currently speak from experience and so far it has gotten me unscathed through 6 months of living in same house. Not nice but better than the alternative, which will drive you insane and be very damaging for the kids.

I was touched to read a description of a divorce situation so similar to my own, four years ago.

Whatever you do, remember that "four years on" will exist and for your children's sakes you need to start working towards that time even now. Remember your own needs as well as theirs, because once they turn 18 they will most probably need you more than they do now.