not sure what to do found wife cheeting

married 34 years found a love letter my wife wrote to another man sha says it has been going on since october08 but she wants me not him.But she says she is still in love with him not in love with me but says she loves me.Iam very much in love with her.This mans wife has cancer and i think they are waiting for her to pass away then she will move in with him.My wife says no but she would they can't get together yet can they and she has no place to go.This is killing me I don't want to loose her but don't know if iam been strung along untill she is ready to go.I found out 4 weeks ago and we are stil together but when we kiss etc. it is as if she is not wanting to and has no feeling,or is that me.Don't know what to do no one I can talk to Iam in a real mess totaly srwed up in my head.Always looked after her and loved her told her regular only woman I have ever had sex with,send her a red rose for every year we are maried 34 this May just shatterd my life ended 4 weeks ago.We have 4 children 31,29,21,17 4 grandchildren.Our youngest 2 have found out I have begged them not to tell the other 2,just don't know what Iam going to do if we split who would ever want me at 55 and could I ever for another relationship after all these years don't want to just want her.

I`m so sorry to hear your story, there is no easy solution to this in terms of what you should do. By the sound of it you have worked out what the probable outcome will be, it`s just how you feel about it and what you are prepared to do.
You are not the only one with a choice to make, the fact that you are still hanging in there after 4 weeks and in the frame of mind where you would tolerate anything to have your wife back also gives her a choice. At the moment she is calling all the shots and has the security of 2 men wanting her, if you feel you are prepared to fight for her , knowing that the eventual outcome will be as you suspect , then there is no shame in giving it a go.
Remember though that you will not allways feel the way you do today. When the shock subsides you will no doubt see it the way most outsiders do, that she is taking advantage of your time and nature , to get herself to a point further down the line where this affair will look better for her.
You can`t imagine it now i know, but prepare for the worst and also prepare for the most shocking thing of all, the moment you wake up and realise you deserve more respect , as do your children,and the moment you realise that you don`t really like her anymore.
Ther is no good to come of this , however it ends up but your life is not over but that is too much to take in at the moment.
Good luck mate

Hi Cliff,

So sorry to hear your story.

It just has to be the most earth shattering news, when you find out that your spouse wants to be with someone else. It happened to me after 22 years of marriage.

There is so much for you to deal with and it is going to take time. The feeling of betrayal, the feeling of not being wanted is just too much to take.

Having her still living in the property is hard, she should move out as soon as possible and let you greive with some dignity.
To be honest they sound like a really heartless, uncaring couple of people. I suppose his wife's illness 'made him do it'!!!

I am sure that your children will be very supportive for you, you will need each other to help you through all of this. I dont think withholding the information from your other children is wise, you need as much support as possible.

You have lots of people to talk to now, wiki is a good place to come to when you feel down and miserable. Many on here have been through the same as you, and can help guide you as to how you might start to cope with this.

You are still young, 55 that is no age, I met my husband when he was 56, he had been divorced 3 years. There will be plenty of time for you to make your own life, you just have to come through this shock first.

You will have to take small steps, take it slow, dont think for one minute that you will not spend a lot of time crying,you will. One day you might feel ok, and then the next as miserable as you have ever felt. It is called the rollercoaster ride. We all on here have found a seat on that rollercoaster and had to buckle ourselves in for the scarey trip it takes you on:S

You must pull together as much support as you can, use anything you can to help you feel stronger.

You will get lost of support from wiki, so keep posting, pop into the chat room. Start a blog.

The nastiest thing she is doing at the moment is staying there with you, torturing you all the time with her 'no emotion'.

zara

(((((((((Cliff))))))) Welcome to wiki hun. I'm so glad you had the courage to post your story. People here are so supportive. Keep coming back. keep posting, blogging and come back to chat; we laugh and cry together through this emotional turmoil. You are not alone. We are united as one; support through the pain.
Sending you my warmest thoughts Cliff.
xxxxxxxxx

hi cliff
sorry to hear about your plight Ive been married 28 years am 57
and just about to start divorcing my wify, my story is called "cancer was a piece of cake" if you fancy a read. But it sounds as if your just at the begining, all i can say is follow your gut feeling I did and was right. It dos get better with the help of kids and friends, only found this site yesterday and already feel part of a large family. Remember there`s always someone worse off, hope this helps.bil717

If my husband had sent me a rose for every year we'd been together we might still be together!

I know what you are feeling is very painful and it is raw and hurts.

No one here can tell you what to do or what your wife will do.
But we are here to support you.

Don't worry about finding someone else at 55. What you need to do now is find yourself again. You must decide what you want, but at the moment you are probably still in shock over everything and of course nothing is settled.

Your children are nearly all grown up - this is a comfort, believe me, as you won't have to worry about them growing up in a broken home.

Try to focus on the positives for now - you have found a site that will help you, your children are all well, you have a roof over your head.

You might find it worthwhile to see your GP. S/he may be able to prescribe anti-depressants (which also help with anxiety) or suggest counselling, which might help you to sort out your feelings.

Keep posting.

Cliff,

So far most of what you are feeling seems hearsay and your reactions, albeit they are understandable, are increasing and heightening your reactins. Take time, give yourself time, continue your pursuit of advice/knowledge before you make any informed decision. I wish you well.

Elle x