Hi, I'm new and I'm a worried mum!!

I'm not sure where to post this so I'll post here and feel free to move to appropriate section.
My Daughter is 20 and just before Christmas she met a 28 yr old man through work. She was first told by him that he was divorced and he has a two yr old Daughter.

After my Daughter asking about his divorce, (i'm divorced) so she was asking me questions etc, to cut a long story short he told my Daughter that his wife got a divorce on the internet and he gave her the money to do so. But it never happened, and with my Daughter asking him questions, like where is the Decree Absolute etc but he could not produce one, he was content to leave this and not ask his wife any questions, but my Daughter being head strong kept asking him in the end even his wife didn't know if they were divorced or not. Turns out they are not, but what makes me laugh is that his wife has apparently done a divorce on-line for her mum and stepdad, so she should know shouldn't she.

He stopped paying the mortgage on the marital home so that is being repossed shortly and his wife is moving this weekend.

Anyhow just after Christmas he informed my Daughter that he is going bankrupt, he moved into a more expensive flat so that his outgoings would go up.
He apparently went to the court on Friday to go Bankrupt but does not have the money to do so.
I did like this man and have not judged him on his age, the fact that he was/is married or that he has a little girl. I was near the end of my divorce and had my Daughter when I met my now husband.
But it's all these surprises that keep coming up, one minute he was told not to do an IVA but it's recently come out that he has one already!
My daughter and this man both work for the same company and both earn the same money £1,500 per month.
Now my worry is what are the implications for my Daughter, as she wants to move in with him and have a future with him, I told her that she is not moving in with him until after he is no-longer bankrupt, she is ok with that and said she understands why, but I'm still worried about her future with him and how this could effect her in the long term in years to come.
He said he is going bankrupt first then he is suppose to be going for divorce the month after.
He also seems to think that he will not have to produce any reciepts for his out goings and his wife filled all the papers in for him.
I don't feel that he is being 100% truthful with my Daughter, and I don't know the procedures for bankrupcy, so any help or advice would be gratefully appreciated.
My daughter said she is finding it hard to comes to terms with all this info he keeps coming out with, but she loves him!
I'm trying to take a step back as I've had some heated arguments with her over this, and I'm trying to let her make her own decisions and mistakes, but it's really hard.
I will be there for her no matter what but I'm not going to bail them both out in the future if anything happens with money matters later as I'm not in that financial situation to do so.
I'm so worried.
Thanks

Any questions I'll try to answer or if I have left something out I'll post again.

Hi worried mum.
Have a look on www.nationaldebtline.co.uk for info on bankruptcy procedures. You can also look on the CAB website for same. The CAB have a book out as well and info is on page 628 (library?)

He sounds like he changes his story whenever he gets caught out, not a good basis for a trusting relationship.

Your daughter will make her own decisions and all you can do is bite your tongue but be there ready to offer a shoulder to cry on if needed. Just the shoulder - not finance.

The actual situation for your daughter is she is seeing someone who is still married with a young child to be provided for.
He wants to go bankrupt rather than provide for his child?
The rest of it is none of her business.
If she moves in with him there is the potential for the wife to divorce on the grounds of adultery. They are still married.

Thanks for the reply Mezzie.

From what I can understand from the situation is that he still wants to provide for his daughter and has taken that into consideration, he and his wife both ran up debts to the total of £50,000. and she is apparently going bankrupt herself.

His attitude is that he just don't want to pay back any monies owed as the relationship has failed.

I have told my Daughter about the adultery etc and she is saying that it is worrying her, she has spoke to him today and he said that he will make it easier for her or try too but I'm not sure how he will. I know it is none of her business but I feel as she is only 20 she doesn't really understand the full extent of it all and the implications that can follow.

His wife is also seeing a married man with children.

My Daughter has just called to say that if he does not get the Bankrupcy and divorce sorted within a few months then she will walk.

Thanks again

hi again worriedmum,
They are both unwilling to commit to divorcing & expect the people they are seeing to go along with that?

Can't cite adultery then cos both are doing it.

They are both unwilling to face up to the debts they have got and tell the people they are seeing lies about the extent?
They sound like they take the easy way out & that is to walk away & leave it for other people sort it out.
Both very selfish and IRRESPONSIBLE from the sound of it. "CAKE & EAT IT PEOPLE."
If your daughter isn't careful she will become one of the people left sorting it out next time he decides to walk away.

Thanks again Mezzie,

It's nice to have someone see it the same way I see it.
I was beginning to think that my husband and everyone else I talk to about it think I'm being silly and being over protective.

I can see that she will be the next one sorting it out and have told her with words of that effect, she wants to be with him, she loves him and wants to have his children......such a silly girl.
I'm just hoping that she will wake up and smell the coffee!
I know love is blind, I was there when I married my Daughters father many years ago.
I know that I can't protect her from this man.
I know my Daughter and the fact that she likes holidays abroad every year and she likes to do things, she is after all only 20 and has had no life yet.
I know that my Daughter will not stand for him not divorcing she said if he doesn't start it within the next few months then she will walk away, but I yet to see that, I just hope it does.
I also feel that he has played on her feelings for him as he waited until she was too involved to tell her that he was divorced (but obviously not) as he told her he had a little girl with someone but they had split up just after she was born. My husband said that perhaps if he had told her the truth from the beginning she would have ran a mile.
Not a great basis to have a relationship on, a load of lies!!
But there is not much else I can say, she has not really got any close friends who she could talk to as she left them behind when she left college, she has a close friend at work but has not really said much to her about it only the fact that he is still married.
He said that he thought he was divorced, but I laughed and said if your divorced then you know that your divorced it's as simple as that.
I don't like him and he makes me feel uncomfortable when he is in my house.
The other day he wanted my Daughter to write down what money she owes etc, she has a car on finance, what does he need to know for is he planning to use that info for his own gains in some way or is he planning on using her money for bailing him out at some stage.
I feel that she is being taken for a ride.
Sorry to go on and on.

The other day he wanted my Daughter to write down what money she owes


I think you have a right to be worried. I know I would not like it one bit. You have a man here, no money, a wife and a child and asking about your daughter's finances. She needs to be very very careful.

I suppose you could use reverse physcology

Just drop into the conversation....

Well good you are prepared to wait for him as divorce usually takes around 18 months, that is if the ex gets on with it, if she drags her heals and delays it could be years. Oh and of course he has a child to pay for, and if ex feels the need she might instruct the CSA. He has years and years and years of paying for his child, so dont expect any holidays, but then if you love him I am sure you are prepared to wait.
Will you be giving him some money to help in through is bankrupcty, because it will be ages before he is able to rent a property, let alone buy one. So you might have to live in a caravan or tent in the meantime. Oh and plenty of time for holidays eh? they are not important.

Instead of saying she shouldn't, chatter about how good she is is for wanting to wait at least two years for anything to happen.

I personally dont think it will go that far though, she will not want to part with her money to pay for him.

Know where you are coming from and that is how I managed to 'put my children off' silly ideas. Let them think you are not stopping them, but fill them full of the truth, slowly and cleverly.

Good luck he sounds like a right waster.

zara

worriedmum.
My niece went through similar. He has reeled her in emotionally. " But I love YOU now,I am sooo lucky you understand me."
Now - I MIGHT be wrong!! He has chosen her as his next way of getting credit. He is now checking out her credit history - over 18 & under 21/employed/with no credit defaults? Tick tick tick. He has none and has chosen her as his next way of continuing the lifestyle he feels he should have.
She likes holidays? Nooo chance of abroad with his history.
That is not love, that is manipulation. I wish you every success.

Zara has good advice there too. Us mums - it never ends ! x