Hi I am new and need someone to talk to

Hi Leah

Welcome to Wiki. Sorry to hear that you are passing through such difficult time.

Hope you can find that this place can offer the support that you need - if nothing else a place where you can talk and let it all out.

I agree with the suggestions above of trying to get professional help like counselling - both for the things that you have had to go through yourself and also for the two of you, if he is ready for it.

As for him forgiving what happening...well there is a bit of difference between forgiving and forgetting, and personally i think it is the forgetting thats the worse. It is hard not to have some kind of resentement and as long as that is present, it is very hard to move on.

he does not seem like being final in his decision to leave. give him some space, suggest councelling and see where it goes.

and most importantly take care of yourself and your baby!

Leah,

It's quite common for the person that was cheated on to suffer a set back some time down the road. After an initial reconciliation, there is a period of 'honeymoon' like feelings where everthing comes back together. Once that has worn off, the feelings of despair can return, only this time worse than before. They don't last though and if both parties are willing to work through them, a better and more stable relationship can be established.

Claymic is right, there is a big difference in forgiving and forgetting. It will NEVER be forgotten, it can be put to the back though and that is done by the forgiving. Both parties need to forgive, you need to forgive yourself and your H needs to forgive you. It can be done, but takes complete commitment from both parties.

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do.

Take Care

Thank you all for your words of advice. I know it is very hard to forget about what happened. I don't blame him for that. We have talked alot and we have said things to both each other that has hurt each others feelings. He originally said that he thinks divorce is the best thing for himself but he wants to separate first and find himself, to re-evaluate himself. He told me to also try and fix myself. To be more independent and more confident. He said even though we both are trying to find ourselves again, he said there is no guarantee we will get back together. I think there is a slim chance of us getting back together and so I'm trying to move on. It's so hard though when you have feelings so strong. I don't know where to start on how to move on and how to let go. He still wants us to be friends if we go through with the divorce but I can't see him as just a friend. I'm trying so hard to think positively about the possible outcomes but the pain and sorrow overwhelms me. I feel I have lost him forever...

((don't forget about the normal hormonal change after having a child....you are not all that you are feeling))

The images and love for yourself and your family may be so intense because you are thinking clearly now...feeling regret is not a bad emotion...feeling shame is..you are not what you did. It is my struggle to see that also in my wife, the hardest thing I am facing as my person is having gone through this (she did the same to me as you did) and trying to not take into my very self and fall apart. I feel so empty when I think it was an indicator of my value....and having trusted her so completely with my life...it is taking me no small amount of my life to regain and maintain me. Perhaps we should not be so open as lovers in marriage...but then would we be in love. I have been feeling a loss also...but I think now and then..what if it is just some wounded soul self doubt thinking and somewhere in this experience I remain whole and stay myself. Can I trust again?? How do I trust her again??? this phrase starts to ask its question over and over....how do I start fresh and trust another woman??...if I cannot get through this with her now and here. How is leaving her the path of a human being.....so I sway like the tide in full force and then ebb...........but consistently feel my doubts...my love...see things clearly and then do not. swish sploosh spray...lap..sounds of the ocean are calming unless you are drowning...

I don't think you lost him.....he lost him...you were lost..now you don't want to be...you might be watching and watching does feel helpless.....helpless to what you know you do not have the power to mend instantly...to gratify,fill,fix...to ease your loss...your sense of being helpless. You may have tried to fill this fear...this insecurity...in the arms of nothing...because you did not know how to face something.....you may have lacked the right guidance in your family when you were younger, you might have fears of abandonment. Maybe your parents were alcoholics...or you could not do enough to get the healthy attention you should have been given... In any case you are aware something is wrong.....because where you are now. I don't want him to leave you........if he is sound in his seeking answers, he will come to the same understandings as he would if he would have stayed....don't blame him for your choice to be unfaithful due to your insecurities. Look at yourself in that event more fully than you have anything in your life or you are doomed to repeat it again.....who are you...what guides you...what are your values in love...marriage...family...beauty...thought.
honesty...how do you communicate...here you are now with this beautiful baby...a man who is the father who wants to remain your friend..be involved...care...find himself. You are not alone...he cares...friends

Saying sorry and meaning it really validates his reality...the totality of his painful struggle...gives him the opportunity to forgive you...see himself as something other than what you did...lets the water clear...one has to be still to let water clear...I am trying to be still...facing the pain and seeing myself still me when it is gone. there is a book I read on forgiveness once in all this...it said for the offender you must own your actions completely and not use the other person to help you burden your choices. You are the only one who was there at the time....he did not cheer you on. If there was a lack of communication...why?...why was it so hard to say something...or seek help...why?...did you think love was a dark secret to be done in hiding..why?...did you risk your future with him....why?....did he share pictures....why?....are you so scared....why? is he not....why?...is he not staying....why?...were you broken and lost.

When my wife "slipped"....I ran after her and fought for her and found her to have been molested,raped,alcoholic parents,bi-polar,depressed,detached emotionally,fears of abandonment,inability to see the now instead of post traumatic stress,loose with boys she had dated to her detriment due to those events and added to herself disrespect, she projected, transferred, blamed, made me the villainous perpetrator of her violent life. All because she was who she was secretly...unaware of herself...real self-love and therefore unable to share anything greater than herself. But running after her I learned there was no limit to what she would say to get me to let go...........victims. it is all they understand and know....it is like you are killing them and in essence you are killing who they identify themselves as....and leaving them with only the wide open scary infinity of love, devotion, caring....which they have only seen from a distance and not really experienced as a child.

I hope you see something....I hope I am listening to myself...

I have read and have thought about many things. I am happy I have joined this site. I am thinking much more clearer and would like to correct something. My husband was talking to other people online and swapping pics, but those pics were not explicit. I was jealous and did not like the fact he was talking to them and not me. He is a good guy and he was the inspiration of how I viewed the world.

I feel now I can move forward and focus on myself and my baby. I still feel sad about what is happening, but I feel stronger and feel good about where I am heading in my life. I accept this is happening and there is nothing I can do but to be positive and to be more open about what could happen. In the end if we end up being friends then its better than nothing.

Leah82 wrote:

In the end if we end up being friends then its better than nothing.

I am glad that you are being positive. And I hope that you have learned a lesson. Life is one big lesson. And I hope that you can axpress yr feelings to yr ex in this way. He needs to know what he did and you did. Often the people on the recieving end of adultary have feelings of guilt that they somehow cuased the affair. I know I did. And I was told I did. But I know now that there was nothing I did to cuase it or anything I could have done to prevent it.

There are not many adulterers on wiki. Even less women adulters. And as you progress thru this process you can give others the other side of the equation. In other words we value your experiance. So please share your thoughts and so on so that we can better understand why someone does this. I am not knocking you. I wont judge you I (and possibly others) want to undertand you. To learn from you. So that I can better understand why my ex did what she did. C