WOKING AWAY IN BARNSTAPLE WHAT WILL SHE BE UP TO

I have been asked to do a job in Barnstaple this means I will be staying away for 5-6 days .The thought of my wife 200 miles away all i can think of is when i go she will be straight round to him.Iam not sure I can cope she says no but the trust has gone .If I call her on the phone she will say iam checking up on her.To be truthfull i will cant help it how if iam going help make this work and we stay together do i get over the miss trust.She still is very distant in her thoughts and i look at her knowing she is thinking of him.My work time away wont be so bad its the sitting in my hotel room wanting to ring her every 5 mins.Her face almost lit up when i said i was going away,i said your glad arn't you,and she said yes so she can have some time to her self to get some normality,but i can't help thinking it is so she can have time with him.This is going to be so hard,thanks to everyone who has had the time to write to me with support this site is a big help.

Hi Cliff,

The feeling of mistrust and betrayal have to be the most devasting feelings.

By the sounds of it she is not 'WITH' you when you are together anyway. If she is daydreaming about him, delighted that you are going away it would not make any difference if you were there, or 3000 miles away.

If you have come to the conclusion that the relationship is over then you need to come to terms with that. Worrying about what she is doing is not going to help you at all. Start worrying about what you are going to do.

When you are away, dont just sit in your hotel room, waiting for a call, wanting to make a call. Go out. Find a theatre, or a cinema, anything to try and take your mind away from what she might be doing. If she is used to you phoning her, and you do not, that might just shock her.

Dont contact her, there is nothing worse than being ignored, let her have a taste of that feeling.

zara

Hate to say it Cliff but Zara's comments are on the button.
Sounds like she only wants the other guy, that being the case you will need to, at some point, prepare yourself for the ultimate eventuallity.

It won't be easy but almost certainly will become neccassary.

I hope I am wrong and you can resolve whatever issues you and your wife have.

Like Zara says, in the meantime while you are working away, focus on your work during the day and yourself in the evenings. Get down the pub, bowling alley, whatever - just a distraction will be helpful. Easier said than done sometimes, but at least try, you might even enjoy it and rediscover something inside that you have been missing.

So very sorry for you, you will be devastated by this but please don't think that you are finished. You still have your wonderful children and grandchildren, I'm afraid there is nothing else for this but to think of yourself now and let go. You are still young at 55 and there is a life out there for you, take care we are all here for you, Biff

Cliff

Thank you for responding to my blog - and I read this and it all came flooding back to me. I know exactly how you are feeling mate - and the pain is just so hard to bear.

It would be totally unfair of me to presume anything. Every marriage is different and if you want to patch it up then I really hope you can. The thing is though - I just felt broken. A complete wrecka nd if it was going to work again for us - I just needed rebuilding. I didn't want my wife to cry and beg forgiveness - but the thing is - I actually secretly did. Not to give me a power rush - but it would be the only way I really knew she was sorry and loved me. And I needed loving so terribly much.

At the same time she 'needed space' etc etc. I felt like I was the one apologising. I searched myself as to why she did what she did and she was not short in coming forward and giving me her reasons too. Over time she was telling me she wanted to try again but there was never any action in that direction from her. And because she loved the guy she ended up carrying on behind my back.

I won't go on Cliff but if there are any questions you want to ask me mate about all this - please do so. I went through hell and back mate and I really hope you don't end up in the same place.

Keep in touch Cliff - I'd love to help if I can in any way

Good luck and hang on in there - you are a great dad and a sound guy - I can tell that from the way you are hurting and the pain that comes through your anxiety over the distance in miles at the moment

Good luck again Cliff

Justin