Is there anyone out there who can empathise?!!

Hi

Im new to this website, hoping to find some useful info!

I have my nisi and have been referred for mediation with my ex...tho the mediator told me she thinks it is pointless because of my ex's attitude!

He pays me no CM and stopped paying the mortgage too but I have been told that I still cant change the locks on my house as it is in joint names.

He comes in the house when I am out, goes through my stuff and is verbally abusive to me if I am on my own when he is there.

Any one who has been in the same situation and can give me any advice - or just have been in a similar situation?

HI smunden.
I think a lot of this is about morals, maybe your ex's arent that high?
I had this problem with my stbx when i moved out. She hatched a plan to keep me out the house, claimed I was going through 'her cupboards' these are cupboards with my belongings in that were mine 15 years before she came along. i was just after my stuff as I had half a day to move out. I am not interested in her belongings, but I played the good guy and only went in the house when she knew and it has only been once in 6 months i think. there is nothing there for me now and i know I can go in when i want but I dont want to add fuel.
Have you tried reasoning with your stbx about arranged times when he can come and get his stuff?
There is obviously a lot of mistrust in these situations, I found my stbx was actually hiding my tools etc and claiming she thought I was leaving them for her!!
The only reall advice is to get your personal stuff, paperwork etc somewhere else, maybe your mums or a friends? Just leave normal everyday stuff in the house, if there is nothing there for him to find he will give up soon enough, from similar side of the fence to me I have to say as far as I am concerned it would be more hassle than its worth.
Other thing is get a safe, you can get one from tesco for about £15 and screw it to a wardrobe bottom. I did while I was at home as she was going through my stuff.

I have tried reasoning with him on numerous occasion but unfortunately he has a history of mental instability so his reaction is often a little worrying!

I can see us ending up in court because the mediator told me she doesnt think it will work... its gonna cost me a fortune cos I am working and have to pay my legal bills but he is unemployed so doesnt have to!

Hi smunden,

Who referred you to mediation?

If the professional, the mediator, says it is pointless then ask for that in writing and send it to whoever referred you to mediation.

Your ex has the right to enter the FMH but that does not mean you have the duty to allow him to do that whenever he wants.

Abuse is not to be tolerated. By not reporting abuse to the police you will in effect be saying to the court that it is acceptable to you - is that correct?

By not going to the doctor/A&E/police should he assault you, you will in effect be saying to the court that it never happened.

You have the right to feel safe in your own home. To my mind that overrides his right of free entry at any time of day or night.

In your position I would change the locks and tell him that you are no longer going to put up with his abuse. If he wants to enter the FMH, then it will be by prior agreement and in the presence of a police officer.

The above may seem an over-reaction to you. I do not know your circumstances but I do know that law-abiding people who try to keep the peace and who don't want to make a fuss can get utterly shafted by a ruthless stbx and the longer you try to play things down and keep the peace, the less reliable will be your eventual testimony regarding abuse.

Good luck,

YA