wanting a divorce and feeling guilty about it.

I am 29 years old and I have a 2 1/2 year old son. My husband is 50. Neither of us ever thought age made a difference when it came to love. I feel like I can't stand him and even hate him at times, yet I do still love him and that's what makes this so hard. I know he loves us too, but he is very crude, argumentative, controlling, he dictates my life. I am not able to work or go to college,I don't have a car, he can't stand any of my family, we don't ever do things as a family together, he drinks just about every night when he comes home from work , he holds money over my head all the time and threatens to take "privileges" away from me, he has a horrible temper and has said some pretty horrid things to me over the years......and I know this sounds stupid, but I do still love him, he does have a good side that shows through once in a while and that good side is what tugs at me to stay, but that side of him rarely shows through. I feel guilty because he does provide for us, he is a hard worker but the thing is, he is only there for us in the form of money. We can't talk to each other, we can't agree on any thing. Life here is just living day to day to get bye. There is nothing to look forward to. One minute I am enraged by him so bad that I feel I can walk right out and never look back, then the next second I feel like I owe him and I love him so much I can't live with out him. I don't know what to do about these tugging emotions. If I am going to leave,now is the perfect opportunity. I have pretty much nothing, but I have friends and family willing to help me out until I can get a job and an apartment and get on my own two feet. For the most part I feel like this is the right thing to do, I just let my emotions get the best of me every time I come close. I am going to be 30 this year and It has become a turning point to me......I question myself: do I stay here and do nothing, go nowhere in life, or do I make a change, go to school and live life? I know this sounds stupid and like the answer is plain as day. I guess I just don't deal with change too well and the thought of crushing him and breaking his heart really hurts me badly. I wouldn't have a choice but to leave while he is at work. If I told him how I felt it would not turn out good at all, he has a history of being violent. This too guilts me. I could not imagine how he would feel coming home to see that his wife and son were gone. I know I would want to die and I feel horrible knowing I could cause him so much pain. I have told him I wasn't happy and that I have thought about leaving, but he hasn't changed. I just wish there were an easy way out, but there's not.

Hi Julie

It sounds as though your relationship at the moment is more like father and daughter!! He sees you as the young one that needs to be controlled, privileges taken away, that is the sort of behaviour you would expect from a father and teenage daughter, your desire to go back to school, (which is fine) just makes me feel that this is indeed the relationship.

Is the reason he does not like your family because they might have objected and expressed concern 'about the age gap'?

You are going to have to made a decision as to what you want to do. Life is not going to get any better for you.

zara

Try to find someone you can talk to who maybe able to make you see things a little clearer. In my experience this 'unhappiness' will only grow and fester inside of you, then one day BANG you will have had enough and will do something about it. Only you can decide when that time is. It took me a while to come to that decision but I knew when enough was enough. This is a tremendous site for advice and help so keep coming on. Best of luck with whatever you decide, you are not alone xx

so sorry to hear all this. feel for you. i am older than you but have been through much of what you have.
the thing is you do have these emotions and need to look at them and deal with them. you are not happy and that is not good for you or your child.
we all fear change to some degree, it is a fear of the unknown but is essential to be able function.i think you need some space to sort your emotions out and see where you are going.
you are young, can build a new life,be in control,look forward.
i had a controlling x ,and now we are apart i realise i let him be. now i make my own decisions and it is uplifting.
if you think your husband could be violent then that is another hold he has over you. be brave. take yourself out of the situation and see how you feel then. you will look at things from a different perspective. stay posting on here,so many good people to help you through these bad times.
i dont know the best way for you to get out but someone on here will advise you better than i can.
believe me honey you are not alone.
x

Zara: Every one on both his side and my side have been very good about being accepting of the age difference, so that hasn't been an issue. He's just not one who likes very many people and tends to find every ones flaws and dwells on them. I think his main issue with my parents is that he is angry they don't come take our son all the time or baby sit him. But its not their job.

Thanks to every one who has replied to this, Knowing what other people think or have gone through makes a difference. I sure could use all the advice I can get.

It sorta is like a father daughter relationship and all though I hate it, I have become used to it over the years. I do look forward to having my freedoms back some time soon I hope.