it's so broken and can't be fixed

hello

unlike alot of people here I am the one who is looking to separate and here is my story ..

married for 8 years with two children 3 and 6 we are both 38
husband who has worked away monday to friday for our entire relationship (10 years) on various contracts around the UK which is why we never lived where he was working as it meant living like a nomad and really not good for our children when they came along
realised that the strain on our marriage was too much of not being a partnership living together, we have drifted apart so much that our lives were entirely separate apart from communicating on matters of children/house/admin
18 months ago I tried to say that is something didn't change, things wouldn't work out
nothing changed - both of our fault/responsibility I guess
here we are now, talking about separation, talking about trying to work it out, scared, anxious, stressed, amicable at the moment but increasing resentment and hostility
I have no income after being housewife/mother for last 6 years
talked about counselling but at the end of the day while my husband thinks we should keep trying to work it out for the sake of the children but as a couple we simply are not connected any more ... it's so very, very sad but how do you change feelings?
there is no-one else involved

there we go, that's where I am now ..

i don't want him to not come home and see the children at weekends as this is still his home, but if I leave at weekends (not at all sure where) will this affect my position if we separate properly and does anyone think this would work?

islandm wrote:

.... we have drifted apart so much that our lives were entirely separate apart from communicating on matters of children/house/admin
18 months ago I tried to say that is something didn't change, things wouldn't work out
nothing changed - both of our fault/responsibility I guess
here we are now, talking about separation, talking about trying to work it out, scared, anxious, stressed, amicable at the moment but increasing resentment and hostility
....... but at the end of the day while my husband thinks we should keep trying to work it out for the sake of the children but as a couple we simply are not connected any more ... it's so very, very sad but how do you change feelings?
there is no-one else involved...

Islandm

Boy do I know what you are going through - your bits quoted above are the exact (spooky) mirror of what happened to me and my wife. I personally think that when you've reached that point, you can't suddenly 'fall in love' with that person again, but, have you tried going to Relate to try and sort it out - at least that way, you know that you did everything you could. Divorce is hell for everyone - try and avoid it if at all possible.

Welcome to Wiki and keep posting

We're here for you

take care

dd

thank you so much for replying, alot of my friends have talked about relate as the last thing I want to do is to get to a situation where we are at each others throats all time. my husband is a good man, and I don't think I am a particularly bad person either but when it comes to two adults in a relationship we simply no longer fit and it's so very, very hard to know what to do when there are young children involved as well as all our mutual friends, house etc. separation/divorce is horrible, my best friend has just finalised a very acrimonious divorce so I have seen how bad it can be, but likewise, trying to function in an empty, lonely marriage with the wrong person can be as painful and destructive. I just want to try and take the right road for all of us now in the early stages where we are still fairly open and rational.

my stbx wife has said the same to me - I'm a good man, a fantastic father, but we had just come to the 'end of our rainbow' afte 13 years of marriage - nobody was to blame, or should I say, we both were - we just drifted apart. We have 2 children 4 & 6.5 and we both want to be there for them, and put them first.

That said, despite my previous posting, if you both feel after seeing somebody like Relate, that you both feel (or even 1 of you feels) that the situation is untenable, then it's better to part before you tear eachother apart - just what happened to me.

I don't 'hate' my stbx (despite some of my posts, but that was me sounding off in anger/frustration/depression etc - it's part of the rollercoaster), in fact I love her for being the mother of my children. We had some very good times together, but we moved off into different paths - nothing wrong with that - it just happened.

I feel alive again, as I'm sure she does - we worked well for 12 years but it just wasn't sustainable.

Please think carefully about your next moves - try and get to the root of the problem, and if you still feel the way you do now, then consider splitting up. Children are very adaptable, they'll fit in as long as it does not turn acrimonious.

just my thoughts

dd

trouble is love is an act of doing, a verb some say rather than a feeling that just occurrs - feelings come and go - sometimes things get buried, miscommunicated, people shut down, build walls , it sounds like it is worth trying counselling, it can be so difficult when so much time apart but separation/divorce is horrible so do try everything first. rhi