A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for a couple of days??"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by and he STILL didn't see her. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her, along with extra fries and refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong anyway.
The husband asks his wife, "Why don't we try different positions tonight?"
The wife replies, "That's a good idea ... you stand by the kitchen sink and do the dishes and I'll lay on the sofa and fart."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
A man and a woman are on their honeymoon when the man takes off his pants and throws to the woman. He tells her to put them on, and she responds "I can't wear these!"
He replies, "That's right! You just remember who wears the pants in this relationship!"
She just smiles and takes off her panties, tossing them to him. "Put these on," she says.
He looks at them and says "I can't begin to get into these!"
She answers "That's exactly right, and that's the way it's going to stay until you change your friggin attitude!!"
Divorced? Instead of getting married again, why not find a woman you don't like and just give her a house.
A 70 year old man goes to the doctor complaining that his 50 yr old wife doesn't find him sexy anymore and he fears she will leave him..
'Oh thats ok" grins the doctor, 'Just take in a young lodger."
Two years later the doctor catches up with the man. 'Hows the wife?' he asks.
'Oh she's fine, we're still together' replies the man.
Laughing, the doctor then asks, 'And hows the lodger?'
'Oh she's fine too, the baby's due next week!'
