Divorce Jokes!!

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

I'd never get divorced.....


I love my house too much!


Kalamari



(If only!)

Very funny Cindy

I also like the Zsa Zsa Gabor quote "I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back". She was married 9 times.

After 30 years of marriage, a husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Will," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. then when you were falsely accursed of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you lost $50,000 on the horses, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much."
"That's the problem, Jan. Face it, you're just bad luck."

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"

She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."

He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/6/divorcecake.jpg


Hahaaa you got to see this piccy of a 'divorce cake'

Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but your wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!



Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.


Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.



It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.



An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.




My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.



I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.



Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."



Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My ex wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."



A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!"
His wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"


Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running?
Shut up, kid, and hand me another box of shotgun shells.


A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror, taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive, to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment, thinking about it, and says in a soft, thoughtful voice. "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30, at Saint Elmo's memorial Chapel.



Hotel Porter: "May I carry your bag sir?"
Hotel Guest: "No that won't be necessary, my wife is perfectly capable of walking."


Last weekend my credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief is spending less than my wife does.