2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

and so the season begins.....

Just off to buy a Cheese Board selection for my Xmas table: There's a Jamie Oliver range at Sainsburys called:

'CHEESES OF NAZARETH'

(well, he does half a slight lisp!)

14th December

My Dearest Darling John

I went to the door today and the Postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a lovely gift. Thank you darling for the lovely thought. With deep love and affection always. Your ever loving Agnes.

15th December

My Dearest John

Today the Postman bought your very sweet two Turtle Dove, I am delighted. They are adorable. All my love for ever. Agnes

16th December

Dearest John

Oh how extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. I insist you are too kind. Your ever loving Agnes

17th December

Dear John

What can I say. Four Calling Birds arrived this morning with the Postman. Your kindness is too much. Love Agnes

18th December

My Dearest John

What a surprise! Today the Postman delivered five Gold Rings. One for each finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squeak and get on my nerves. Your ever loving Agnes

19th December

When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great Geese laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all, the neighbours are beginning to smell them and I cannot sleep. Please stop. Cordially yours, Agnes

20th December

John

What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I get seven Swans a swimming. Is it some sort of goddam joke? The house is full of bird shit and it’s not funny anymore. Stop sending bloody birds. Yours Agnes

21st December

Ok Buster – I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I gong to do with eight maids a Milking? It’s enough with all those birds and now I have 8 cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night. Lay off – Agnes

22nd December

Look Craphead – What are you, some kind of nut? Now I have nine Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. When they aren’t playing their sodding pipes they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted. Get knotted. Agnes

23rd December

You rotten bastard. Now we have 10 Ladies Dancing. How on earth you can call these whores ‘ladies’ is beyond me. They’re pulling the pipers all night long, the cows cant sleep and have diarrhoea. My living-room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. Piss off. Agnes

24th December

Listen shitface – What with 11 Lords leaping all over the Maids and me. I shall never walk again. The Pipers are fighting the Lords for the crumpet and committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are all dead and rotting having been trampled on during the day. I hope you are satisfied you swine. Your sworn enemy. Agnes

25th December

You stinking lousy shit!! – Twelve Drummers have teamed up with the Pipers in making one hell of a bleeding din! Both lots have begun buggering the lords as well as the cows and Christ knows what happened to the Milk Maids. They’ve probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I’ve saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up that sodding Pear Tree which had been so well fertilised by the shit that it’s grown through the bloody roof. Agnes…………..!