Funny text jokes

Hi, I'm in hospital, i have poisoned myself eating what i thought was an onion. Turned out it was a daffodil bulb.
Doctors say i will be out in the spring.

Chris Tarrant says, 'For £32.000, what is the colour of your wife's pubic hair? Is it,

A. Brown
B. Black
C. Blonde
D. Ginger'

Paddy thinks for a moment then says, 'I will have to phone a friend!'

It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you and a man who is great in the sack.
It’s also very important that these 3 men should never meet!


I’ve been arrested for being the ugliest person in Britain,
Can you please come down the police station and show them it’s a mistake?


There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Husband accompanies his wife to her school reunion and says: "Christ, who's that drunk bloke asleep n the couch?"... she says, "that's my Ex, we split 15 years ago and he hasn't stopped drinking since!" Husband replies, "Christ, just how long can one bloke go on celebrating for?"

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the chemist asks.
His assistant replies "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives".
"You f*@&ing idiot", the chemist says. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!".
"Of course you can" that assistant replies. "Look at him now. He daren't cough!"