Here I am again - struggling! OW and my kids....

I''m struggling tonight.

I''m starting to feel a sense of panic. I know people say it can take a long time to get over divorce but three years down the line I wonder how he can still affect me so badly.

It''s the same pattern with me - a long spell of keeping busy, feeling ok, making plans, doing the best I can to be happy and then another huge blip, which just consumes me with anger and sadness and a sense of injustice and the horrible gut wrenching feeling that I will never ever get over this.

The trigger this time is the OW who I still despise so much.

I knew she was still on the scene but up until recently my children had nothing to do with her. I was happy with that. He can do whatever he likes but does not have to inflict her company on my children on the nights that he has them.

But now that''s changed and I''m really struggling to accept that the hideous woman who acted in such a vindictive and sinister way towards me is spending timein my old house with my children.

I know lots of you on here have experienced this. I understand its part of the journey but I really feel that this vile woman who was so abusive towards me, stalking me on social media, sending me hideous messages, bragging about how amazing she is and tearing me to pieces - this appalling woman does not have the right to breathe the same air as my children.

So here I am again, full of rage, tearful and back to square one.

I know I shouldn''t waste any more tears on them - I know they''re not worth it but I just hate my ex so much for everything he''s done and now for allowing her to see my precious sons. They hate her as much as I do. My eldest just held my hand and said ''Mum no one will ever replace you. My dad was crazy to let someone as lovely as you go''

Wow the tears are streaming again now!

Sorry for the pessimistic post. One day I hope to reach a state of indifference......I just wish that day would hurry up and arrive.

Hi Patsy. I feel your pain I''ve been split from my ex aboutt 2.5 years and still feel it from time to time. The panic and stress of being on your own, looking after kids, paying bills and trying to rebuild your life, it''s soooooo hard and I really don''t think there is something wrong with you to feel the way you do. I think it takes a long time. It always seems that everyone else is doing better than you. They have a happy families and we don''t, they have great realationships and we don''t but actually behind closed doors so many of us are struggling. It sounds like you have a lovely family, that is a precious blessing you are very lucky to have.

Every time you feel your mind wandering to thoughts you know will make you upset and angry try and focus on something else, have you tried Mindfulness? It''s something I have just started to read about and try and I find it helps. Also excersise works for me. Hope you feel better soon, you can always talk to people here on wiki.

Thanks for your reply sungirl.

I''ve heard about mindfulness and I must give it a try. My mind does often wonder to a dark place and I get so frustrated that I can''t control my thoughts. I''d love to banish him out of my head completely.

Exercise also works for me but I''m ''in between'' gyms at the minute which sounds pathetic but it''s true, so I must get back on track. I need my adrenaline fix!!!

I''m just in that horrible, negative downward spiral tonight, which I know from experience will soon pass.

On the plus side I''ve just got a better job, booked a holiday and arranged a date but all I can focus on tonight is the injustice of that psycho with my boys. Grrrrrr

But thanks for your kind words x

Hi Patsy

Sending you a big hug. I feel your pain. Your post reminded me of the time I found out my ex had moved the OW into his place and she had met and spent time with my boys without my knowledge. Ex persuaded my boys it was best I didn''t know about it. Clearly that was not teaching them the best way to behave.

Other Wikis have told me I can''t control what my ex does with my boys when it''s his turn to have them. I used to ask my youngest what he got up to with his dad and time after time I got the response "nothing but watch tv". It''s my sons that I feel sorry for sitting squashed in his piddly place watching tv and there was me thinking they played happy families. I''ve tried my dammed hardest to keep doing the things my boys are used to. So now I accept they need to be with their dad and try to look at their being with him from their perspective.

You''re doing really well by keeping busy. I have now trained myself to think of other things when I can feel the tension rising in me. Even if it''s simple things like planning the day ahead at work or picking a social event to decide what to wear. I tell myself HKHD think about something else. He''s not worth your time and energy.

I found a quote the other day which said I am too busy concentrating on my own grass to care whether yours is greener. I know his isn''t greener and neither is your exs, but I am sure you know and believe that.

Chin up my lovely. You''ll get where you want to be soon I hope.

Take care xx

Thanks for your support Headknowsheartdoesnt.

I know I can''t control what my ex does. It''s just so infuriating that on the nights he''s supposed to be spending with the children, the OW is there so my poor boys escape to their rooms and don''t go back downstairs in case they encounter the witch! They''re not comfortable in their own house, yet the ex can see her anytime he wants when the kids aren''t there???

If he was with a decent human being I could get my head round it but that woman is demented. Not only did she send abusive personal messages to me, she also goaded me with further messages like
''Been out with your ex tonight....thanks for having the boys''
And when they fell out a message saying
''You can have him back now.'' As if!!!

I blocked her 3 times and each time she changed her name and got through to me. Then a year later when I''d had no contact she turned up at my workplace on an alleged work visit - just to intimidate me.

She really gets under my skin and I don''t want her anywhere near my children, that''s how strongly I feel.

Be calm. She is being so unpleasant to you because she feels so insecure- hence all the boasting and posturing.
At the end of the day what has she achieved?
A flawed relationship built on lies and cheating - you however, have the support of your wonderful children. Never doubt how important you are to them. You are their rock.
Stay strong. It will get better. (((hugs.)))

Patsy39 wrote:

She really gets under my skin and I don''t want her anywhere near my children, that''s how strongly I feel.

Hi Patsy. I am going to be a bit tough with you. Sorry about that.

You said in yr 1st post that you despise her.

Hating someone that much will consume you. It will take over almost all your waking moments. Hating someone affects them not one dot. Only person it affects is you.

Triggers can be: Her. What she did. Perhaps something you and your ex did. Perhaps a picture. The way a clock ticks or how long the kettle takes to boil. Hatred is bad bad bad. And this I feel is at the root of your problems and why after 3 years you are routed in the same place. You wont get past this until you change. Otherwise we will be having the same conversation in 1, 2 even 5 years from now.

You had an excuse to hate her at the start. She broke your home. Took your husband and done other things to you. Goaded you on FB or whatever. I will cover the whys in bit. But the reasons for hating her are gone. But your hanging onto that hate. Perhaps it comforts you to do so. We get used to feeling a certain way. Its comforting to hate when we are in pain but hate is self perpetuating. It goes round and round and round. Hate causes pain and pain causes hate. And it has to stop. Otherwise you wont get past this.

The reason she sends you these messages and goads you is two pronged. Firstly, your a threat to her. She knows like any person who has done this that he could in theory come back to you. And she doesnt like this insecure feeling and she hates it that you have this over her. Like a sword hanging over her relationship that could fall any moment. You of course wont believe me. But in her shoes you would see a different view. The other reason she sends these messages maybe is that she enjoys winding you up. Getting a reaction from you. You must have produced some kind of reaction for her to keep doing this. Otherwise it would stop.


So what to do? This is what I propose.

1) Anger management. There are courses, books and so on that help people with anger issues. You have to deal with this issue otherwise, nothing will change. You will be stuck in the same place feeling the same. Perhaps for the rest of your life. Perhaps when he and she are dead you will feel the same. Anger is all penetrating. It seeps in everywhere. Invades all.

2) Learn how to manage your chimp. There is a book called "The Chimp paradox" Read it. Your reacting when you should be taking a step back and thinking what your doing.

She is not the root of your problems. Nor is your ex. He is gone and she is not in your life. Never has been. So you have no reason now to hate. Its done with. You have to work at letting go and loosing the hate is the start of that process.

None of this is easy. You have had a tough time of it. But you keep coming back and asking questions and getting help from the wonderful wicki peeps so all is not lost. At least your not stuck in doors internalising it all. Your dealing with it. Which is good. But you need to take some positive actions to overcome otherwise nothing will change. Marshy.