How to be with your ex?

Long story short, I was married for 4 years, know him since school, we have two children, he started an affair with the women opposite when I was 5 months pregnant with my second child with the women opposite...

We''ve been split up for 1.5 years. He''s made a few feeble attempts to get back together but he''s now with the other women. Every other weekend he has a sleep over with her and my children at his house, it kills me. He''s just brought a puppy he seems happy.. Where''s the justice!?! A few months ago I decided I needed to let go of the hate, to be fair he''s had a pretty easy ride with me so far. But now he just chats to me like we''re mate, I find it frustrating like he''s got away Scott free. We are in constant contact as we have two very young children so no contact isn''t an option really is it? Although it frustrates me the way he bands on about stuff like I should care work his family etc. I try and not talk about myself not that I think he notices or cares. But what is the other option, be rude, I can''t be bothered to fight anymore but being friends with that man doesn''t seem right....

Hi

You don''t have to be friends, but you do have to be civil. Your children are still very young so he''s going to be a fairly constant presence in your life for quite a while.

You need to find out what works for you - and of course, for your children.

In my case, my children are now 23 and 21, though they were 16 and 14 when my ex left for another woman. He was apparently quite happy to play happy families with her and her 2 younger children (they were then 9 and 6) and thought that he, she, and all the kids just needed to go bowling and they''d all gel into one big happy crowd. Of course that didn''t happen. Her children, once the novelty of having a daddy around wore off, and once they became more teenagery, annoyed him so he moved out and then had an on-off relationship with their mother for a while. He''s now in a relationship with about the 3rd or 4th woman since he left me.

While it''s been easy for me to step back and let him and our sons sort out their own relationships without getting involved, it wasn''t always easy. I used to feel very hurt, not just by how he treated me, but how he treated them and in fact only recently he''s made a better attempt to see them, but only because his new gf thinks it odd he doesn''t!!!! They are well aware of this of course.

He used to want to talk to me about his relationships as though I was either his Mum or his sister, but after a bit I just told him I thought it was inappropriate and insensitive. I have had to say that a few times, but the message seems to have got through.

I realise he''s not good at understanding how I or our children feel and that''s just who he is and he isn''t going to get better at it. So I just find his ineptitude a bit amusing now.

We are being civil as we are currently getting divorced but once it''s all been sorted I doubt if we''ll be keeping in touch at all.

I wish you luck in what you do - but try not to focus on how happy he is/how unfair it is. Life is not fair. You just have to make the most of what you''ve got - your children and your friends. I''ve had a tricky time since we split - my brother died, my Mum has been seriously ill and I''ve been diagnosed with an - eventually -terminal illness. But I''m much happier than I was in a miserable marriage and I coped with it all without a man. My ex can''t cope with anything without at least one woman to prop him up and stroke his ego.

Hi
Welcome to wiki but sorry you find yourself here.
You are correct as you have children no contact really isn''t an option, unless you want to damage the children''s relationship with their father. Clearly you have your children''s best interests at heart. There are many parents who are prepared to use their children as a pawns in the battle. I think that many parents who divorce fail to understand that divorce does not mean that they stop being parents to their children. It is something that I came to realise during my own divorce, and while my ex and I are not together we are both co-parents and regardless what has gone on, we are both committed to our children''s welfare.
Letting go of hate is a good thing, it is a negative emotion that does you no good at all, treat his apparently happy new life with indifference. You don''t need to be friends with your ex but you do need to be a co-parent and that means being civil, but from you post I am guessing you have , to your credit, worked that out.

LB

Petal100 wrote:

Long story short, I was married for 4 years, know him since school, we have two children, he started an affair with the women opposite when I was 5 months pregnant with my second child with the women opposite...

We''ve been split up for 1.5 years. He''s made a few feeble attempts to get back together but he''s now with the other women. Every other weekend he has a sleep over with her and my children at his house, it kills me. He''s just brought a puppy he seems happy.. Where''s the justice!?! A few months ago I decided I needed to let go of the hate, to be fair he''s had a pretty easy ride with me so far. But now he just chats to me like we''re mate, I find it frustrating like he''s got away Scott free. We are in constant contact as we have two very young children so no contact isn''t an option really is it? Although it frustrates me the way he bands on about stuff like I should care work his family etc. I try and not talk about myself not that I think he notices or cares. But what is the other option, be rude, I can''t be bothered to fight anymore but being friends with that man doesn''t seem right....

1st point. Has he got away with it? Defo no. The person that "got away with it" is actually you. You are the winner here. You get to live again in honesty and truth. He always gets to live a lie. His relationship is based on lies and creeping around. He is in the dark. You are in the light. More on that in a min.

Be rude? Of course not. But you can manage the conversations. He clearly misses you. Thats why he talks to you like he does. But you can cut him dead by saying something like "Look, I am not interested in your pet gold fish Freddie and I am not interested in your star wars darth vader mask and how it scares the people in next when you slapped it on in the mens ware section next to the polo shirts. And I dont care that your partner has cellulite on her privates.. All I want from you is important stuff related to the kids". But thats not rude. Thats setting boundaries. And thats important in relationships with the ex. It may go against the grain for you to talk to him this way. But he is an ex. He stabbed you in the back. And its also fun having a pop at the ex. He forked you over sister. You expected to sit there and take all this drivel? His boundaries are far ranging. You dont need this. And it must be painful sitting there listening to him gobbing off. Its a bit like sitting next to a drunk person on the tube. I feel for you.....

Right. Back to you again. Bottom line is that he just isnt worth it. A two time looser who couldnt hack it. However there are plenty of men that can and will hack it. And this is why your not with him. Your future is not created yet. Marshy.

Thank you for your replies. I just feel like I don''t know how to be with him. I don''t want him thinking I like him. I will be strong and draw a line. He seems to have the best of both worlds at the moment. He sees this other women as and when suits him, she has three kids which go to my daughters school. I can''t imagine he''d move in there as it would be a nightmare and he wouldn''t be able to handle her kids. Then he pops in here, last week he was in my house for an hour.

I''m in the process of moving so hopefully that will sort that one out, plus I''m trying to move my little girls school so I don''t have to see that women anymore, she is always trying to wind me up and I don''t want to give her the pleasure anymore. This is all just a mess, I just want to be happy.

On the other hand he is a good dad I''ll give him that and I have only ever put my children first and they are happy.

You need to treat him like a business partner, your business is parenting your childeren. If your lucky to have relationship where you can discuss this then great as it is good for your childeren but it should be purely that, arrangements about who is picking them up from school, who is having them for the weekend but nothing else! Nothing personal. When he starts discussing anything personal shut him down, this low life cheated on you when you were pregnant with his child!! Why would you want to make any sort of conversation with him? And rule number 1 do not let him in your home! This is your space, your home, he has no right to enter it, he made his choice when he left you for someone else, if he try''s to come in tell him to take a hike. Another thing to think about is when you ever take the step of having a new relationship, having your ex still hanging around your home will not look right. Why do these people want their cake and it? My ex was the same and it''s all about his control and not being able to let go, I think it sounds like he needs a bit of a push.

I think you''re right, I just can''t be assed to argue anymore and that would really anoy him but then he''d only then try and piss me off by doing something I''m sure. He''s very spiteful... Never noticed it before

He accidentally picked the kids up today when I was supposed to have them and he asked if I wanted to go around his to see them. He thinks we are friends as i am polite and a easy going person.

I just want to get of this roller coaster and not care anymore and more importantly not think about him,

I''ve had some good news today, hopefully I''ll be in my new house in a few months so at least he can''t just walk in. There is a big porch so he won''t need to..