Dating post divorce

I know its early and that my divorce isn''t even final yet. I also know I have been cautioned by many seasoned divorcess not to do it: but I was wondering what dating is like post breakup?

I think I need to distract myself from everything that is going on and go on some carefree dates.

Does anyone have any recommendations on how to meet someone? Its been 10yrs since I''ve been on the dating scene and it seems to have moved on somewhat (online, speeddating, tinder etc) I''m not really sure I like the idea of any of those and was wondering if anyone has had any success stories meeting people elsewhere? Or even online?

Before I had the ''set back'' with my ex over Christmas my therapist had got to the point where she thought I should ''try'' dating and see how we went. Now its the New Year I was thinking of giving it a go. I''m very daunted and rather old fashioned when it comes to relationships (as in I don''t have multiple partners at once) so I was wondering what the best way to meet a man is?

Personally? I think its a big mistake to go on dates when your wounded and hurt and not in a nice place. The idea sounds great. Some carefree fun just chatting with someone, you know, one on one over a nice warm fire somewhere. But this not how it goes. And usually ends in you spilling your guts about what is happening in your life. You cant and wont be able to help it. This is the biggest thing that is happening right now and you will be mega needy. I have been on the giving and receiving end of this. Its not fun.

It wont be a distraction. Nothing at the moment will distract you from the bomb thats just gone off in your life. It will turn into a waterfall with you in tears. It wont be pretty and it will set you back a long way.

I am not saying never. Just saying when this is over. And its far from over yet.

But I get the need to get out there and get on with life. And all the things that go along with it. Am I attractive? Will people find me interesting? Can I still do it? I fully get this questioning. All I can say is yes to all the above. But wait until this is done 1st and you have done all your grieving and you have shed your last tear and your not bitter and you can see that this was meant to be. Then wait some. Then take a tentative step in the water. But I didnt do it this way. I did it the wrong way. I was a mess and it set me back at least a year. So learn from my and others mistakes. Wait.

But what is it like on the other side? I am 9 years on from you. And its great. I dont mention the ex. Just a one liner maybe. I dont go into detail. No need to now. And I am not like I was back then. Like where you are now. And I enjoy dates. Chill. Get this done 1st. And one day you wont need the distraction. You can do it for the usual reason. For fun. Marshy.

Dating can be fraught-for the reasons Marshy has listed. How about trying a new hobby? It could be car maintenance, singing, a new language-its a much safer way to meet new people and you get the bonus of learning a new skill.

Listen to Marshy...it is excellent advice. Find yourself first...plenty of time for dating later...good things come to those who wait!

You blogged about this and the advice (including from me) was that you seemed to be rushing into a new relationship ahead of time. I wonder why you are still so keen on dating - because your x is? To get equal? Revenge? To know you can attract a man? To distract you from your pain?

I don''t think these are good reasons.

I can''t help feeling that any kind of ''date'' you go on at this stage in your life is bound to end badly for you and whoever you meet. You were with someone for 37 years, and have been without him for 4 months. Slow down.

My advice (I repeat it here) is not to rush into this. Take time to heal your wounds, to understand and come to terms with what has happened. You do not need to date to achieve this. On the contrary, it is only likely to lead to more pain and confusion.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks all. I agree, I shall put off dating... After 10yrs together and 7mnths since he said he was no longer in love and 5 months since he said he wants a divorce I agree it is too soon.

I think my head is still spinning from finding out he has been sleeping with his best friends GF. Given the last few weeks it feels like I just found out he cheated on me, even though we were broken up at the time and the only one he has really screwed over is his bestfriend. The whole thing is toxic, I know that. It feels like drama that I don''t want to be a part of yet can''t stop thinking about.

I spent last night looking for new hobbies. It is really difficult though, I feel ''normal'' one minute. Want to hurt my ex by telling his friend the next. Then the next thinking I could forget it all and make it work with my stbx. I Need to remind myself just to take a breath. Is there a pill I can take to be completely over this mess?

It''s going to take time to get over the betrayal as well as the divorce. There is a website called Meetup which has lots of events in the UK not all of them are to find a date.

Be kind to yourself
Pebble xx