Ex has moved in with the ow

So yes I know I said I was ok with it and I''m not sure now. My 4 year old came home crying her eyes out on the first night saying she missed daddy, didn''t want to go to school. It upset me and I thought it was to do with the move so ended up arguing with the ex, as he gave me no support and blamed me for bad mouthing his girlfriend, which I don''t. This is going to be the first weekend they stay there. I''ve always thought that he''d hate living with three other kids that aren''t his own and My children would eventually hate it, which I don''t want deep down. It''s just a mess. Has anyone had any experience with this? How did it go?although I know I have no control over the situation .....

This is a tough one and nothing in life prepares us for it.

You need to split your brain down the middle.

One half of the brain needs to be on the kids. And the other one, you need to keep hidden or at least only comes out to yourself and friends and family. Dont show the kids or your ex or indeed his partner this side of you.

So for the kids. You need to be on message here. He is living with someone else. Forget what you know. He obviously accepts her kids. And thats cool and its his life. If it works out or not. Thats his problem and not yours. Stay out of this space. Be supportive of him and what he is doing in front of the kids. No need to get the kids into split split loyalties land. That way lies tantrums. And difficulties at school. This you wont want. That wont go well. And no rubbishing him or her in front of the kids. Save that for friends and family. They will be watching you for signs of that. And one little word spoken by the kids to him or her will start a war on the phone. Kids will hear and sense something. Enter a load of tantrums and badness.

For yourself, you need to deal with this new situation. Its happened. Sure talk it thru with friends and family. But bottom line here, you need this down pat of you are to survive and run a happy ship at home. In time you will get used to it.

Lastly. This is not your husband. He is just someone that has the kids when you dont. Like an unpaid childminder if you like. Someone you kinda know and kinda not know. Forget that he is the father. He is a kinda sperm factory that does not live at the place where he actually done the deed. Bit random soz but that is a way to look at it.

Chill. Its going to be OK if done right. Be strong. Marshy.

Hi Petal

I remember being in this situation with my kids, though they are older than yours, I didn''t want them staying with their dad if the OW was there. I was told time and time again by wise Wikis that I have no control of the situation and what he did with them during his time was out of my control.

It took me ages, months in fact to accept that they needed to spend time with their dad. You don''t want them to because you want to punish him, but at the end of the day, he''s their dad, just like I''m their mum and time needs to be spent with both parents.

Don''t expect any support from your ex at all, if you get any take it as a bonus. Mine gives no support other than the contact times we agreed at the beginning. He flatly refuses to have my youngest child any more than agreed, because of course that''s helping me out. He even goes so far as refusing to take any annual leave to have his son more. My ex doesn''t see it has having more time with his son - selfish isn''t it?

When your little one is away with her dad, it''s like torture. You will be imaging all sorts going on, but guess what it probably isn''t true.

Look at this time away from your little one as time to yourself. Work on you and socialise if you can, take up a new hobby, visit friends who you haven''t seen for ages. I started off by doing all my housework. Yes I know it''s boring, but it needs doing and saves the time for your little one when she is with you.

Good luck with it all.

Come on Wiki if you are struggling when your daughter is with your ex.

Thank you for you replied. I don''t feel too bad today. I am a little concerned that he has the children too much now. He has them Tuesday & Thursday nights and every other weekend. I feel this is too much and well my little girl doesn''t know if she''s coming or going. I think it will be harder as time goes on and she has homework and there are 5 kids running around there. I''m going to give it a month then maybe go into the school and talk to them, is that a good idea? I really am not trying to punish him as I''m sure he''ll think that but I think she needs to know school nights she comes home and then just see daddy every other weekend. How often does your exs have the kids?