Oh dear- now he wants a reconciliation

Has this happened to anyone else? After divorce was made final on Christmas eve, he''s even just started seeing someone he announced last week that "she''s not you" and that he was really confused and wanted to explore reconciling.

Whilst I appreciate he has finally realized what he has lost- I do think it''s more to do with not being in the family unit rather than still being in love with me- and frankly I can''t believe I will ever be in the position of being able to trust him again. How should I let him down gently?

Is there any letting down gently to do?

I''m no good at this sort of thing but I think anything you say should be clear that, for you, it is now over. Nothing to misinterpret, nothing to think there may be a chance.

My lovely daughter is in a new relationship and she came home the other day and said " Mum, he`s dropped the L bomb ". I chuckled.
Maybe you should drop the "D" bomb. Sorry to be flippant but im assuming, like many, your divorce wasnt an overnight affair. He has had plenty of time to reconcile if he had second thoughts. Sounds a bit like, yet again, he wants what he cant have.

kj40 wrote:

How should I let him down gently?

I dont think you need to. You you could just say NO.

But you ought to consider why you are doing this and what will probably happen if you let this man back in.

But first. Its easy to put an old shoe. Slips on nice and easy and is comfortable to walk on. But new shoes are hard. Blisters and tough to walk in. And its the same with relationships. New ones are hard work like new shoes. Of course she isnt you. And I am not calling you an old shoe!! Old relationships are easy to slip into. Everything is in place. All comfortable. No new rules to learn. No brownie points to earn. But some people are delusional. They dont understand that they have to forge trust. Build understandings and earn their way in a new relationship. But when the gloss where''s off, some learn that not all is greener on the other side and perhaps they should have stayed where they were.

But there is a problem having someone back. Trust. Or the lack off. When we lose trust we are always wondering where he or she is. What are they doing? Will this happen again? And there is a question of lines being crossed. Once we leave and go with someone else, its easy to do it again. The spell has been broken. And what you may do is live an uncomfortable existence where you are not really sure of him.

And although you will relish having him back at first. You will want to know. He will be reluctant to disclose interment details. And he will resent you asking and you will resent her and eventually him. And every-time there is an argument, out will come what he did.

And there is the yo - yo existence. Where he goes. Comes back again. You forgive. He goes again and so on and so on. And all the time you are wasting the most precious thing you will ever have. One thing you cant earn and no one can buy you. Time. And by the time you have perhaps gone thru a few cycles of this, you could have been settled in your new life. Whereas now, you are picking up the pieces again. Wasting yet more time.

Ok I understand its hard starting afresh. Like breaking in a new pair of shoes. But old shoes have a limited life. They will where out quicker then new shoes. So although it will be tough breaking in your new life. It will be better next time and it will last longer. Just like new shoes will.

A few words about new relationships. They are tough playgounds for sure. But they are not based on all the problems of the past ones and you can build trust there and nothing will be poisoned by the past. And this I feel is your future. Properly staked into the next. Not the past. Just tell him to go back to her. He made his choice and you deserve better then to be a runner up. You should be 1st choice. And definitely not a stepping stone until something else comes along. Marshy.

"How should I let him down gently?"

Don''t!

I don''t know your story, but I''m guessing he betrayed your trust, so why does he deserve to be let down gently. He broke your trust, your bond, so now there''s nothing left to build on. Game over.

Reconciliation can and does happen. I have friends who were apart for eight years. Each had their own life but got back together when they started meeting to discuss the divorce. 25 years later they are still happily together and have a daughter.

However they were very young when they married - and still pretty young (and without children) when they parted.
My advice to my daughters is that they should never take on a new boyfriend who has just come out of a relationship. Even if that person professes undying love and loyalty, they should wait until they have learned to be on their own for a while.

I would give the same advice to you. It is important that you do what is best for you. Independence has been thrust upon you so make the most of it. Build your own life, tell him to build his and make no plans for him in your future.

Eventually he may turn out to be someone you can love and trust again or you may find yourself very glad that you weren''t tempted.


Hadenoughnow

My wife was the lying cheat , see it''s not always the man .
If she ever asks me this I''ll laugh in her face .
I always told her over the 16 years we were together you only get one chance with me.
She knows me well and knows that Im the sort of person to stick to what I say , we are not divorced yet tho .
Waiting on the 2 year seperation . My oldest boy told me last week that mummy has been sad the last couple of weeks , hardly speaks to the boys or her boyfriend .
I think the honeymoon period is wearing off , the grass can''t be as greener on the other side after all .
Haha
Stay strong and laugh in his face , just my opinion x