Tips: how to move on

Hello All,

After 10years together my ex and I broke up in May 2015, it was his idea completely out of knowhere with no infidelity / arguments, he just said we are too different and he has fallen out of love with me. Our divorce should be final soon with our Decre Nisi being declared tomorrow. Their is A LOT of water under the bridge now: my ex seems to have had some sort of a breakdown (he has been suicidal, pushed away his friends, slept with bestfriends girlfriend, showed up at my house in the middle of the night etc) but he is now getting help with medication and therapy. We have been in contact several times recently, initiated by me as I have been genuinely concerned for his mental health as he has lost all his friends - my friends and family though reaching out to him was the right thing to do - he is still really ill. I am also in therapy to try and get through the breakup.

However, whilst I know my ex and I are never going to get back together (which was a tough pill to swallow) I still have no idea how to move on. I miss being in a relationship. I am seeing friends more, have started studying, joined a run club, started pilates, am loving / thrown myself into my job, rekindled my love of photography and drawing but when I get home I feel empty and really really lonely. I am not getting back with my ex but I really miss being in a relationship.

Does anyone have any ideas / tips how they moved on from their divorce? How they managed to meet someone new? I know a lot of people will say it takes time etc etc and I am in therapy to work through the grieving of a breakup and don''t really want to wallow in the pain otherwise. So if anyone has any great / happy stories about how they moved on post divorce that would be great.

It sounds like you have made amazing progress honeybees.

I think the turning point for me was moving into my own new little house - only then did I really feel that I could start putting all the crap behind me. I found that having to think about how to set up my own place was really therapeutic. It was two and a half years after we first split that I got my own home though so there is something to be said about giving it time I''m afraid.

Honeybees it sounds as though you are doing amazingly well - good for you! I just think as Action says, it will also take time unfortunately. I have been separated a year and am now divorced, but I often still feel sad and think about my ex. I also found that contact with my ex brought everything back up again and set me back, so maybe your recent contact with your ex has affected you too.
You are still grieving and it can take a while for many of us. Keeping busy and doing new things is brilliant, but it''s normal to feel lonely and sad sometimes especially at this relatively early stage.
Best of luck xx

Well done honeybees, I found accepting that it was over was my biggest leap towards moving on, for me knowing that he had been unfaithful meant that the marriage was over so I had no choice but look at how I wanted my life to be.
Once stbx moved out I stopped thinking that we should be able to remain friendly (his idea) and decided to do what felt best for me which was have no face to face contact and important communication about the divorce by email only.
I was very lucky and got together with a long time friend which certainly made moving on much easier but if that hadn''t happened I think job, clubs, friends etc would have been my focus (they are still a very important part of my life) rather than trying to meet someone new, I was too fragile for that in fact my new partner says any sane man would have run a mile from me in the state I was in for the first year and looking back although I thought I was doing great I can now see that I was a bit unbalanced.
Do what feels right for you, I remember the feeling that I was free to do whatever I wanted in that the worst had already happened and I was still standing (albeit with the support of good friends) I was able to take the risk of rejection and embarrassment or looking foolish because it no longer mattered, quite a positive life lesson that I''m glad to have learned.
I''m sure you will move on in the same roller coaster fashion we all do, whether I will ever be able to care about my stbx in the way you seem to I doubt but as I say do what is right for you - good luck.

HI,
Maybe consider examining your thoughts.

What is it you ultimately want ?

Peace and happiness.. right.

Do you think a relationship will give you that.?

When you are doing your stuff and involved in your work and activities. Do you miss a relationship then. No, you don''t. So firstly, its your thoughts. And , which thoughts you believe to be true.

Happiness and peace comes from within right. Not from outside sources. You cannot find it in food, drink, bigger house , bigger car , promotion relationship. No one can make you happy . If they did then all your power rest with that person. And, being with that person means you will always be happy. Its not true you do not need a relationship to be happy.Was, you not happy as a single girl.

You are doing a lot of activities, keeping busy. Distraction, techniques which we have all employed. Anything to avoid facing our thoughts and dealing with them . Sit with your thoughts a while no distractions and in the silence challenge your untrue thoughts that you are telling yourself. Thoughts create feelings . You may be believing some untrue thoughts. For example, if a stranger came up to you on the street and said you was no good and a waste of space you''d ignore them and not believe it. However, if someone close to you said that you may believe it to be true. and then question yourself. Whats wrong with me , i am not good enough.
its a thought, your thought and if you believe it ,you will feel crap.
When in reality its someones opinion , who says they are right thats all it is words and opinion. You choose the thoughts that you entertain. No one else does this for you . its you your thoughts.
so how someone moves on may or may not be right for you.
You are fine as you are right now, show me what is wrong with you . i bet you can''t. Its all in your head it does not exist . You, feel pain. In doing so when home you think you will be happier with someone.
How do you know this?
Is it possible that you can allow yourself be happy single again . Finding yourself again.
What thoughts make you unhappy?
if you can lose those thoughts then maybe you will feel happier..
Is it not possible that maybe this is the best thing to happen to you right now?
Why do you miss being in a relationship, ? Have you asked yourself that.?
Maybe, something is about to happen in your life that will make you wonderfully happy.You , don''t know.

Put to bed all those pesky thoughts in your head that are untrue.
He left , his issue not yours. You are no less a person because he went. You are still you . Ok, he didn''t want to be with you anymore fine, my ex left me her choice. I am still me .
I realise that people change their choices change .
Say , you see two twins one has red hair and one blonde. Both the same except you choose the one with blond hair because you like blond hair . Does that make the red haired one any less a person .. no it does not.
Someone has left you, that is all. You do not fit anymore. That is all.
There will be someone at the right time that fits . Meanwhile, work on you and your thoughts and challenge them .
Loneliness.. yes i experienced that until i learned that it was all thoughts . i changed the way i think about it now . Are you lonely when you are involved in stuff.. no you are not .. its a false thought creating a feeling that is all .. Does it exist as a fact that you are lonely, no it does not you cannot show me it ... it does not exist its a thought ... thats all.

So, learn to examine your thought processes and change them accept what is true and ignore the rest of the crap you tell yourself

Dx




And, its not love you want , its to give love you want. Thats another lesson for later .