Cannot decide

Thanks everyone, yes in the end it''s my decision of course, but it''s really confusing, and difficult, trying to force myself to make a decision, but cannot make it. Maybe the right time will come for me.
Right, if you have children, it''s a different story i guess. Bur still we have one life (as far as I''m concerned) and it;s my biggest issue. Why am I living in despair, why am I holding onto something which doesn;t make me happy anymore, or even makes me unhappy. so even if there are children involved, everyone deserves to be happy. But I know it''s difficult.

Hi Shoeinn

I left my ex without a specific trigger event happening (e.g. adultery or DV), and tbh it''s pretty scary.

I worried that I''d lose most of what I''d worked for all those years and end up miserable and alone in a tiny flat in a grotty area, rather than relatively comfortable in a nice house with my ex and my dogs (I have no kids either). In other words I assumed I''d simply be swapping one unhappiness for another and that it wasn''t worth the risk.

However it got to the point where I realised that at least if I did end up in that tiny flat I''d have also gained something else - hope and control over my own future, and a chance to regain some of the self-esteem that I''d lost during years of an unhappy and controlling marriage.

It''s now three years later and although I still have some personal issues to work on, life is the best it has ever been for me. We even managed to keep the divorce amicable. What I would say though is that it''s well worth going for counselling (either as a couple or alone) to help you identify any areas either you or your husband could work on. Plus I think it''s only fair that you give your husband a chance to see that you''re really serious about leaving if things carry on as they are. My ex point blank refused to either go for counselling or acknowlege that we had a problem (other than me not realising how lucky I was to have him!) which meant I could make my decision to leave with a clear conscience.

Good luck whatever you decide,

Kitty x

Hi Shoein. It looks like you have decided that its over but dont have the strength to end it.

What I reckon you should do is sit down with your husband and talk it thru. Explain how you feel and be honest and ask him to be honest. If you feel that there is a way back, seek help. This is one of those occasions where you cant fix it. It takes two. And someone else. But divorce, honestly, is a long way off. And it really is a last resort if all else fails.

There are organisations that can help you. Like Relate. If you want to try and fix it or end it thats the place.

A marriage is something that should never be undone. There is too much to take apart. But it will help if you seek help with that process. And help can make the process a lot easier.

But what ever you do. Do something. Otherwise you are just wasting your life and time. And time is the one thing that none of us has an unlimited supply of. C.

I felt very much like you Shoeinn.It took me 5 years to make my decision to get Divorced.I had reached a point when I felt so unhappy that I no longer cared if I lived or died.Like Kitty I thought if I Divorced my life could be even worse and I be even more alone than I felt I was within my marriage so I kept hanging on to what I''d got.In the end it was quite a small event that made me realise I really couldn''t make my marriage work and decided it needed to end.I have been much happier alone and have built up a new circle of friends and am happier than I have been for years but do wish we could have done something to make the relationship work.As Marshy says that takes 2 and that wasn''t happening in my marriage.I did have 1 session alone with Relate and that made me see things very clearly.The counsellor I saw said she thought the best thing Relate could do would be to help me to be strong enough to leave the relationship.It was eye opening to learn what a non involved person thought about my situation.Perhaps that may help you too?

Hi Shoeinn
I just joined the forum and found your post. I am in the same position and like you, feeling confused, scared, and anxious. I wouldn’t want to hurt my husband, but I can’t sacrifice my own happiness just to maintain the façade. I can’t really give you any advice, but I can share some of my ideas with you if you like. I would say, first thing first, get prepared. As we all know now, getting divorce costs money, quite a lot of it. So it’s better to start saving now. Once you set a goal, things will feel slightly better.
You need friends, family members, confidant and let them know what’s going on, just so someone is looking out for your interests and is there to talk when you need them.
This thought is really about ensuring your survive the fallout, have a good support plan so you can focus on what matters instead of the stress of keeping afloat.
Good luck and wish we all find happiness in the end.