Advice

Hello,
I have been married for 25 years with two grown up children and I have been in a non physical relationship for some considerable time.
My wife now informs me that she "feels numb" and wants to have her own space.We have had relationship counselling in the past, and she is unwilling to re visit this.
I have had a couple of rough years having been made redundant twice. I am now under offer of a new position. I think that this has also taken alot out of her. Both children are now gone so i expect there is an element of empty nest syndrome.
I think it''s all over what do you think?

Hi Janus. I take it to mean that you do not have a physical relationship with your wife. I suspect that this could be the reason that she feels numb and that maybe this lack of closeness has driven a wedge between you. You could be around 45 if you married say when you were in your 20''s. So your not old. And people in there 40 - 50''s, this is the golden age. When you should be enjoying the fruits of your labours.

I dont think its over at all. No one has cheated on anyone and you are still together after 25 years. Thats more than twice the norm for a marriage which is 12 years. So you are doing well. But I think if you want to rescue your marriage, you both need to seek help from each other or from a third party. I wouldnt mention the D word. You are a long way from that. And it would be a shame to end a successful relationship due to the lack of intimacy.

Lastly. A marriage is like a ship. Its launched out into the big wide ocean and expected to sail into the sunset. But this rarely happens. It will run aground now and again and you will have to tend to the workings and change the rudder. So dont be surprised that your relationship needs some sorting out. If you are both prepared to work at it, your relationship can be rescued. It just takes commitment on both sides. And this can start with you. Show her that you want to save it and do what ever it takes. But I am sure you know that. C.

Thanks for you swift reply.

During the course of our marriage we have had our ups and downs and sought help on a number of issues from professional guidance.
You are right we have invested a lot of time and energy in our marriage and we have two wonderful children one at uni 2nd year and one at home for the moment but off again in April.
I have suggested further professional help but she is unwilling to go down this route again.
Sometimes we have to accept that whilst we married all those years ago this may of run its course. We have no animosity towards each other but I think its time for us to open another chapter in our lives.

I have tried over many many months to save this situation but nothing I do registers with her at all in fact she has said she feels guilty because she cannot feel the same way about me.????

In my other post, I suggested going to marriage guidance on your own. You don''t need to go as a couple, I am suggesting that you do this for yourself to be clear in your own mind.

I wonder whether you are open to advice or whether you would prefer contributions from people who are just in agreement that this is over. Because we have gone through divorce or are going through it, we speak from experience. It isn''t a solution to unhappiness, neither is it a easy way out from a difficult situation.

Believe me, my ex who instigated our separation had no idea what he was starting when he told me it was over and tried to backtrack several times. Just make sure any decision you make is right for you, not just in reaction to your wife''s behaviour.

If there is no third party involvement then you have nothing to lose by taking the time to properly consider this, giving your marriage the time and attention it so desperately needs.

25years is a long time and it sounds as of you have tried various things over the years. Are you happy? Is she happy? Are you likely to be happy together in the future? All difficult questions which you might not be able to answer. Can''t believe I''m saying this, but sometimes the best thing to do is to be totally honest with each other and agree to try to be happy apart from each other.