I've ruined my life

Time for a rant. We have been getting on great, nice nights out and hugs, she even said it felt really good that we were 'dating' again. I have tried not to put pressure on her at all and it seemed to be working.

My problem is that I hate to leave at the end of the night and come back to the marital home on my own. I never did like living here. I am getting more and more upset about it all again.

Friday night she invited me over for a meal. She answered the door, gave me a kiss and looked gorgeous. The meal was lovely, no R talk at all. I left at 10:30 as we were both tired and I had to be up at 6am the next day.

I sent her a txt when I got home and siad she seemed distant and hoped it wasn't me. Bad move I know, pressure.
I called in for a coffee on Sat afternoon and we chatted. She is going out with her mate tonight, back to the place where she met 'Mr Pepper'. I felt a little 'woe is me' and just mentioned that I can't go out as I have no money at the moment and nowhere to go. I also said I didn't know if I could carry on seeing her as much as it was hurting me. Maybe these were the wrong things to say, I guess so as she said she didn't even know if would EVER get back together. I sent a text later to say thanks for talking, I am thinking and most important, be happy.

I am finding it hard to deal with these changes of opinion and I am really trying to emotionally 'detach' so they don't bother me, but I think about her and us 24/7.

Last night I sent her a txt again, I said that I would love her until I die and that even if we never get back together again, I will still love her, but I am not fighting her anymore. It's her choice and she should make it in her own time. I am still here to talk to if she wants, I will still 'date' if she wants and that there will be no pressure from me anymore.

Then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I feel so bad about it all at the moment. I haven't heard from her at all today even though she asked the other day if I wanted to join her going to see one of our dogs at his new home (in the small village where we used to live together).

I'm crying again now as I write this. I am trying to detach, I'm trying not to think so much.

I am so mixed up at the moment I really don't know what to do. Maybe I should go back to how I was before as that was working for her.

Sorry for ranting people, I needed to get it off my chest.

hiya lost

i am so sorry to hear your story but as the guys have said you are not alone and welcome to wiki.

I think the first thing you need to do is address the drink problem it's not going to be easy for you trust me i know but you really need to do this the sooner the better

we will all be here at wiki to help and support you

take care

jj

Hi there. Still sounds very positive to me. You need to take it slowly and not try to rush things or she will sense your desperation. If you are to work at being back together she needs to be able to see all the effort you are making. She doesn't need to see that you get frustrated because it's not moving as fast as you'd like it to. She has gone through too much to rush back into it now. I sense how difficult you are finding this but hang on in there. In the last few weeks you have moved on in leaps and bounds from where you started. Go steady, carefully and show her you mean what you say. Show her you are prepared to go at her pace. Good luck

Firstly I will wish you all the best in your endevours. I really do because Ive been there. I was there for three months before I called an end to it. 16 months on it still hurts like hell especially as tomorrow I se her for the first time in 16 months. Please read your comments again. Who is doing the running. You or her. I to hoped that somebody would come to their senses. But they didn't and when the book unfolded the reasons became VERY clear. In MY case I was just another in a string of men doing the same. Spending money whilst she had the best of both worlds and an escape route back home if she needed it. All I can say is I wish you well but you appear to be in a similar situation to the one I was in and it took me to base level. Good luck. Polar

Thanks guys,

JJ, I have been off the booze for over a month now and have no intention of starting again.

Shell, thanks for the words of support, I somtimes see only black when there maybe a splash of white in there.

Polar. Thanks for the well wishes, if it takes me longer than 3 months then so be it. I will know when to quit, but I am nowhere near yet.

Basically I have been shot to hell these last couple of days, but I have been over tired as well. Lethal combination!

Hi Lsot, congrats on still being sober!!!! You seem to have an up & down relationship with your wife just now, but its to be expected really. I'm the ex of an alcoholic & know how she must have gone through hell in your drinking days. She still doesnt trust you 100% that you are a changed man, it all takes time, she is scared if you get back together you will lose what you've both just rediscovered. When i left my hubby 3 years ago (just like your wife) I rented a house & didnt see him for a few weeks, i loved him but wanted to make him see he had to change drastically.
He stopped drinking with the help of AA, (he had stopped a year before but started again) but he substituted booze for prescription pills to get high & numb his feelings.
Anyway, we started seeing each other again, only when he was 'normal' or i would turn him away, & we started to go out for meals & really date eaxh other again. I often invited him to my home for a meal & a chat, i even helped with his ironing sometimes!
Something always pulled me back from moving back in together though, he asked me many times about the future & if it was over, but i always told him that if he sorted his addictions out & got clean for a whole year then i would move back into the MH.
Sadly he didnt stop the pill-taking & within a year started an affair which has destroyed us. He has ended the affair last week after 18 months & now thinks i might be ready to reconsider a future? He still has the addictions problem though.
But what i'm really getting at is this:
Ive been on my own 3 years & even though its been hard at times its also been fun. I can invite friends round for a drink & meals, i go out when i want, come in when i want & basically do what i want, if i want to lie in bed all morning & do housework at night i can!
When you've been on your own awhile you get used to it, & i think you find it hard to go back to living with a partner & fear the mistakes happening again & having to move out all over again.
So my advice to you is, be careful that in time she will get used to being on her own, but also be aware she needs time to see that you have changed for the better.
Don't take anything for granted, just live 'one day at a time' the best way you know how & hope that love will keep you both together.
My stbx and i are stil lfriends despite all he has put me through over 16 years, i will always care about him & try to help him but his addictions prevent me from trying again.
My point here is, stay sober!!!! Unlike my stbx you still have a chance as you're proving you're a changed man. Dont run after her too much but let her know you're there for her if she needs you. Ask her out once a week for a meal to keep it going.
I wish you all the best of luck but stay focused on yourself ok?
Cindy

Thanks Cindy, It is one of my concerns that she will become used to being alone. I know I did many years ago when I left my 1st wife. (was only married for 2 years and very young, plus it was completely and utterly sexless, not the best start in life for a young stud!!)

Thing is, I've been where she is only I was more determined to end it (I hope). That's what is preying on my mind.

She is working nights over the next 2 weeks and then off on holiday (booked before the bomb) for a week, so she will get some peace from me for a while

We have agreed to email when she is at work (she hasn't got internet at her house and so that is not normally possible).

I am often much better writing that I am saying things, so I hope that we can have some decent communication (also time to respond) and that it helps. If I sense panic again from her, I will cease and desist, honest!