Sometimes it''s hard to know how to help......

Hi everyone

Sorry this post may be a bit of an off load/rant, if that makes sense.

First off my partner and I got together way after he separated with his wife and we don''t live together and have no intention to in the future.

My partner is currently going through what can only be described as an extremely acrimonious divorce. So much so that they haven''t said a word to each other in any way shape or form, even in court for coming up to 2 and a half years!

He puts on the ''stiff upper lip'' and to the outside world he would seem to be coping, but I know that inside he is in complete turmoil.

He had no contact with his children (their choice) for a year, then out of the blue his eldest got in touch and kept contact for a few months,even meeting with him but then it stopped again. We now know through the court proceedings that contact was only made as an emotional blackmail tool for their mum to gain information.(This was proved in court).


Every attempt to gain information about their welfare is being blocked and at the same time the finances are taking for ever to resolve. She has offered him pittence in a settlement and has been told so now by two judges but refuses to budge.

Stbx constant lies and non disclosure doesn''t help and means constant adjourned court hearings and so the process is dragged out even more.

Every mile stone he finds extremely hard to cope with. Christmas and birthdays obviously are difficult and with Fathers Day coming up I am at a loss as to what to do.

I don''t know what I''m asking really just wanted to get off my chest and to point out that not all NRP are ''bad'' or to blame.

At the end of the day he is divorcing their mum not them and as I pointed out to him the other day, no matter how much stbx tries to rewrite history (and she is) she can''t change the fact that he is their dad.

Thanks for reading C&F x

Hi C&F.

Your role is perhaps the hardest one. You have taken on someone that has all this baggage and issues. You burdon the frustration on your own and your only recourse is to rant on here and perhaps some aggressive ironing But its ok. I recognise your issues and I am sure everyone on here will understand where you are coming from and the space between the rock and the hard place that you occupy. I just want to say, it wont always be this way. One day you will both walk out into the sunshine and it will all be over. But what I cant say, is what will happen. What will be will be.

Children are often used as spies or pawns. And its a shame really as that is not their role in all of this. Children are not to be used for someone''s gain. In effect they are being stuck up a chimney like some Dickens cruel and dark story. Only bad things will come of this as they will have split loyalties. Just in the way. And there will be a backlash. One day they will realise how they were coerced in this cruel way.

But what to do? Come on here for support of course. But what else? You have a multi role and a prize at the end. Ok wont spell all this out as you will know it. But just be there for him. Listen to him and gently get him to talk. Thats all you can do. And reassure him.

On the subject of future contact with his kids. This will either happen or it wont. I cant tell you if he will ever see them again as to what has been done to them and said to them. But I know what I would do if I was a child in this situation. I would wait. Wait until I was out from under my mum and seek him out and get his side of the story. Then I would decide. But we are all not the same and not cut from the same cloth. So its a wait and see.

On the subject of fathers day, mothers day birthdays and so on, what he should do is send presents and cards and so on in the usual way. But keep evidence that he sent them. A photo copy of a card and or a picture of a present with todays newspaper. So that in the future, when his kids seek him out, he can show that he did send these things and he did think of them. Its important evidence that on its own, will counter any poison dished out by their mum. And that avoids him having to diss mum. As he doesnt want to lower himself to her shenanigans.

But your partner needs to have two brains. One in which the divorce is happening and the other where he is with his ex and the kids reside. And that requires him to not respect her in one brain. But respect her as a mother in the other. And thats hard to do. No one can have two brains really. But he needs to do this. Otherwise, he is the same as his ex. He must learn perhaps to respect her as mum. But disrespect her as a wife. And thats a big ask. But I think its the only course to steer in this mess.

This is a lot for you to deal with. And my heart goes out to you for taking this big problem on. My only hope is that it brings you closer and all will be good for you when this is all done. But you have to prepare yourself for what may come. You are essentially taking on a task that you have no idea of the outcome. But keep the faith. You have the initial investment. Fingers crossed that it all comes right in the end. Which I am hopeful of. C.

Thank you for your reply.

I am hopeful that once the divorce and finances are sorted and everyone has had some breathing space that things will settle down.

It doesn''t help that the children are hormonal adolescence so add this to the mix and you get to where we are.

It is a tricky situation and I try to support and advise rather than pry/interfere although this at times can be harder than it seems, especially as she seems to be unable to move on.

We do have an agreement that he won''t keep things bottled up and will let me know what''s going on good or bad as in the past he has suffered badly from depression.

There was an incident at the weekend that made me smile. We had an invite to a BBQ at one of my family members house. My niece for no reason went running up to him and gave him a huge hug ''because he looked sad and hugs always make her feel better when she''s sad''. The innocence of youth hey.

C&F

Yea I love innocence. Wish I was...

Dont underestimate how tough this is. You have to take a lot of stick and crap. Esp from teens. I know what thats like. My ex stepkids were teens. It was tough. And hard not to blame.

But just take it day by day. Its better to say nothing and not be blamed for it. They cant remember the things you dont say. But they damn well will remember the things you do say. Biting of tongue becomes second nature.

Often people dont want someone. But they dont want them to find happiness either. But this is not your problem. Just carry on doing a sterling job for no rewards at the moment. Jam tomorrow. C.