finances are destroying my relationship

I have tried to be patient but this is destroying our relationship.
My partner and I live together and have a joint current account.
We earn £23000/yr each.
He has 2 children from a previous relationship who live with his wife both at uni
I have 3 children who all live with us – 20 yr old pays board, 18 yr old also due to go to uni in sept and a 7 yr old – I get £100 support for 7 yr old only.
His wife earns approx. £20000/yr.
Their mortgage is £200/month and will end in 4/5 yrs.
He has and still pays £750/month to wife.
They met a few weeks ago to discuss reducing the money. He suggested to me he pays £350/month – whilst I felt this was still high I suggested he starts with a lower offer and negotiates. He ignored my advice and said he had offered £400. She said she would have to think about it. Last night he tells me that she actually said she had taken legal advice and said he should pay the mortgage and half the living costs which equates to £550/month.
There are also massive inheritance complications but that is not my concern.
My concern is that we are getting further into debt but more worrying is that he appears to care more about her protection than our life together and defends everything about her.

Hi Joolee. Perhaps the best thing would be for him to resolve matters regarding his divorce. Once they are divorced and financial matters are resolved, you will all know where you stand.

But he has set a precedent in paying her this money and you can be sure that she will fight tooth and nail to keep it this way.

Perhaps its time that he got tough with her and had a payment that was do able. On what you earn, and what he is paying, will kill you long term.

Have a chat with him about it. He has to see sense. But tread carefully. You dont want to be seen as getting involved. You just want what is fair. C.

thank you marshy. its just how i approach it so that he doesnt resent me if he reduces the payment. i was hoping he would realise himself but im starting to realise its not going to happen.
i have always said he has set a precedent and the longer this goes on the harder it will be to change things and the more resentful i become.
really cant see a resolve myself

Hi there

Maybe a good place to start would be to do an income and expenditure exercise together. Maybe if it is in black and white he will be more willing to look at the facts and his head will overule his heart rather than the other way round.

Another thing to maybe look at is for him to pay money directly to the child that is at uni and then do the same for his other child when they start uni in September.

As for his exs legal advice personally I think that they are blowing hot air. Unless he has a court order that says he has to pay spousal maintenance then all he is obliged to pay is CM up until the children leave full time education - which one already has.

i would love him to pay the kids directly and have suggested that to him. the truth is they are more than managing their uni costs and saving too and he does give them money on top.
that is partly down to them being good with money but also as their mother doesnt have to declare his financial input they are able to have single parent grants as well as the loan. my daughter is unfortunately not in that position and will need financial support from us as we dont qualify as a single parent household.
im more concerned about the hold she has on him than the money.
i doubt very much she will agree to a divorce e

CakesandFlowers wrote:

Hi there

Maybe a good place to start would be to do an income and expenditure exercise together. Maybe if it is in black and white he will be more willing to look at the facts and his head will overule his heart rather than the other way round.

I think thats an excellent idea Cakes. Its something we should all do now and again anyway. Something I know I should do now as I waste far too much money

Not so sure about paying the money direct. That may be seen as being too provocative. But I agree with the sentiment. Just the implementation I am not so sure about. C.

joolee48 wrote:

im more concerned about the hold she has on him than the money.
i doubt very much she will agree to a divorce even if he was to go down that road due to the inheritance she would lose.

Perception is all right? Wrong often. But I understand how you would think that she has a hold over him. But he is with you. Not her. He has made his choice. You over her and that is a big big statement that suggests that actually you that has the hold over him. Not the other way round.

But he does have kids with her. That will never change and you have to respect that situation. You need to be hands off at times and hands on other times and suck down the frustration. Its a fine line you walk. Trying to do the right thing all the time. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. But this wont be forever. Once the divorce is settled and finances sorted, you can start to build a life together. Free of all this. I know it seems like it will never end. But it will. And you will both be free of her. Except for the kids.

She has no vote on the divorce. She can stall it a bit by not sending the paperwork back signed. He just gets a process server to serve the paperwork and if she still doesnt sign, she will be deemed to be out of time and the divorce proceeds unhindered. Marriage takes two. Divorce just needs the one person. C.