Who are we protecting? X or self?

Eight months down the road, though it''s still twisting and turning, and I ask myself, why is it so hard to think badly of him? I have spent so long defending him, making excuses and blaming myself. Why did I not want people (me and everyone else) to think badly of him? I always thought that he was the nice guy, that people thought (and were right to) that I didn''t deserve him and so on and so forth.

And now it has become abundantly clear (and it''s not over yet) what an Absolute (what? Scoundrel makes it sound like a bit of harmless fun. Cad? Bounder? All these old fashioned words because I am trying to avoid rude modern day ones). An absolute *******.

So I''m wondering, Is it because I am ashamed to admit that I gave the best years of my life to a man who was as it turns out not fit to lick my boots? What a dolt I must be. What a mutton headed dolt.

It takes a while to get to the anger stage, and when we do, this is a reflection that we''re making some progress in moving on.

For a while, we''re in shock, and we continue to wear rose tinted spectacles about how we thought that things meant to be... but gradually, and only when we''re ready, we take them off.

The fact that you''ve called him a cad and a bounder etc. is a very positive sign. To all intents and purposes, if you think and feel this, then he is!

As for being a mutton headed dolt, we can only really see our previous selves when we have moved on. I''ve also been calling myself an idiot and a whole manner of nasty things, and thinking, ''why didn''t I see the signs? why did I choose to make it work for such a long time?'' We gradually catch glimpses of our old selves as we move towards a new (much better) version; one that is a whole lot stronger than the version that we were before.

Just as others have written, eight months is not a very long time - perspective and understandings come gradually and slowly.

I remain a mutton headed dolt, but I now know that I made the choices that I did based on what I knew and who I was. A big part of the journey is forgiving ones self and ones own decisions.

JJ

It has taken over 2 years for me to get to the point you have just described. I had his proposal sent via the solicitor, I emailed my husband with some questions and his reply really p...ed me off, I felt his reply to me was as though I am thick, that really shows what he thinks of me after 22 years of marriage. Today I had the lump in my throat and the sick to the stomach feeling I had for about 18 months after he dumped me for ow. I realise now she does not have the loyal honourable man that was my husband, she has a man with the same name as my husband but definetly not the same nature. Now all I have to do is get over him, easier said then done!!

I think that Revenge''s post sums this up.

Did any of us,who set upon the journey of life ,with the love of our life,think that the journey would have ended this way.If we had thought this,we would have all gotten off the bus a few stops short of the station...

Facts are people change,we changed but they changed in a differant way,honestly who would have set out for this with the people they have become,I for one would have run for the hills with a 12 bore gun.
Somewhere along the way,they became too cocky,probably they were so confidant in our love,they all took chances with OW/OM,and maybe that life was exciting,and we were the boring ones,the working,cleaning,cooking,and finance person was just too boring:(
I dunno,I would love for someone to honestly tell me why they have affairs,but then would I believe them,because they lie so good.
In the beginning I could not tell anyone he had an affair,I suppose I was too embarrassed for me,now I tell people,I have nothing to be ashamed of,I was not party to a deceit,"It and Rent-a-bike"were the deceitful ones,not me.
If I speak of him now,I no longer wear the rose tinted,they came off months ago,I am now able to give the true version,not the watered down one.
Like you also Revenge,I once had the person who was good,kind,funny and honourable,that man left the building a long time ago,and regetfully I really don''t think he will return,his actions will haunt him forever,so whichever relationship he will be in will be tainted.

Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xx

> I would love for someone to honestly tell me why they have affairs

I think I would like that too, but I think there will be a whole range of different - but, I (personally) think that some of them just don''t know the reason why.

Some of them might answer, ''because I wasn''t thinking straight''. Perhaps that might be the case, but certainly not being aware of the consequences of ones own actions has ramifications (i.e. divorce, and then - sometimes - the misbehaving party stupidly crying that it''s going to cost them time and energy).

With risk at highjacking this thread, one thing that I regret is spending the energy that I did to keep things going when I could have been spending that energy on making myself a better person. On the other hand, I wouldn''t have made a different decision, and I''m now thankful that I''ve now discovered the time and energy to just that; to work on myself instead of spending my time and energy on someone who pretended to appreciate what I did (and who I was).

Hugs to all.

JJ x

afonleas crazy cat lady wrote:

I dunno,I would love for someone to honestly tell me why they have affairs,but then would I believe them,because they lie so good.

I dont think anyone could tell you honestly. But I have done some research on the subject and I have spoken to a fair few that have cheated. In fact, every single person that has done this I have asked the question "why". The results varied as you would expect. Two underlying principles remain. They couldnt put an exact finger on it and they seemed to be looking for something. Some it worked out for them. They got what they wanted or thought that had. Others... They didnt seem to find it and are still searching. Most blamed the other party at the start. And it depends where you talk to them on there journey. At the start its all about shifting the blame. At the end, not so. And most demonstrated remorse for what they did. Mostly from the people that it didnt work out for.

So I guess there are no sure fired answers. But one thing I think is important is the search for something they are missing. Something that is not provided at home.

What may be important for you all is work out your own whys and wherefores. I know mine. And the answer for you all is within what is in front of you. Sure its gona be a guess. But I bet what you guess at wont be far wrong.

Briefly.. My ex wanted a father figure. She had recently lost her father and she felt guilt for the way she treated him and she also hit 40. And this is where her needs were not met by me. I am no ones father figure. If I was honest I was weak. And she just used and abused me. And I let her. And she lost respect for me. And thats my fault. So its not all one way.

Add the loss of both parents (she was there care manager) and she was feeling a bit lost and directionless. And along comes Mr Charm. He is the type of man that everyone likes. Has a silk tongue. Sure you know the type. A loveable rogue. But behind the facade. He is a bad man. He is a violent man that beat his wife on many occasions. Now, my ex dont know this (or perhaps she does but chooses to deny it to herself and perhaps thinks that she can change him or manage him). You could call it showing your best side. I call it something else. But thats cool. With me anyway. If it wasnt for him. I would not be what I am now or have what I have now.

And if there is revenge to be had, this is it. But I dont really need it. Getting on and concentrating on my own life (like JJ said) is my revenge.

My life has changed. I think we all know that. And I am a lot stronger and a heck of a lot tougher now. And I am really pleased that what happened happened now. Ok loss of the kids was bad. But I have dealt with that now. But it does rankle me a bit that they ganged up on me and forced me out. I would have liked to kept in contact with the kids. But that was never to be. And I learned about very bad things that some people do. Which was a valuable lesson in humanity and what they are capable of.

Anyway. Enough. C.

When I look back on the end of my first marriage, which so easily could have ended due to an affair. It didn''t but truthfully I was tempted.

I know I was looking for a way out. Some reason that explained why I was unhappy and my marriage was failing. Having someone else to loved seemed a good explanation of why my marriage wasn''t working.

In the end I was strong enough to end it because I had friends and family who recognised the sign that i was looking for emotional support from another and supported me. If I hadn''t had those people in my life who know what would have happened.