Who are we protecting? X or self?

MrsMathsisfun wrote:

i was looking for emotional support from another and supported me. If I hadn''t had those people in my life who know what would have happened.

Emotional support is a need. And if its not met. U will look elsewhere for it. Hats off to you for not going there. That shows faith. Faith in your vows. Which is commendable.

But two questions flag for me.

1) Why did you not request the support you needed? If you did, why did you not get it?

2) Why did you marry someone that was an emotional desert?

I got lots of emotional support from my ex. Thats one thing about us. There was good comms. But the comms also had a lot of lies in that space.

C.

Firstly I repeatedly requested and asked for the emotional support he just wasn''t able to give it.

Secondly I was very young when I married, he was older seemed supportive and emotional available. Its only with hind sight I can see the signs were there.

I went on to have 3 more relationships with emotional unavailable people before I was emotionally strong enough myself to realise that I looked for co dependent relationships. I had a strong need to provide emotional support and ''heal'' people. I was the one who was going to change them!

By healing myself and becoming aware of my emotional needs and fear of isolation has meant I am much more secure in myself and have stopped trying to heal myself by attempting to heal others.

MrsMathsisfun wrote:

I was the one who was going to change them!

By healing myself and becoming aware of my emotional needs and fear of isolation has meant I am much more secure in myself and have stopped trying to heal myself by attempting to heal others.

Fair enough... I think its something we learn that we cant heal others. Only ourselves and we cant be a lifeboat to anyone else. Only ourselves. Everything starts and ends with ourselves. People are what they are and you cant change them. Only they can change them. This is something I have learned since.

My ex for sure thinks she can change her man. There is no way this will happen. He is like a sleeping bear. One day he will explode. I wont be there to see it. And I dont care. But I do wonder what will cross her mind when that day comes. Regret? Dunno. But really honestly. I dont care. C.

Marshy,we have had this conversation before,"The why?".

Yes I totally agree with you on the point,that they are looking for something that they are not getting at home,but why do it behind spouses back.If you know that things are not right,and there is a good possibilty that you will have an affair,you have to be honest and do something about it before you embark on said affair.That though is where they are clever,if the affair does not last,they still have innocents at home,living in ignorance,and watching their spouses back for them.

All of us who have been betrayed,will have tried to analyze where things went wrong and "WHY",I still cannot fathom it out.I know in my situation we had become more like Mother and Son,I done virtually everything for that man,he did not have to think about anything,so technically I took away his independance,although we started out as a couple and decided and done everything together,over time important things were all left to me,so yes I can accept some fault.
Maybe then when he had his affair,it was exciting and his secret,something he was in control off,I really cannot say.I still maintain a relationship that started as an affair will flounder,you both know the lies and deceit that has been played out before,and your both capable of doing that again.
Throughout my journey in this divorce malarky,I have learnt so much about myself,I have grown as a person,and also regarding my job,I have taken on extra training,which enabled me to become a cascade trainer for the NHS,and have since been offered to start training as a counsellor for families of Mental Health patients.Before all of this happened I would never have considered this,too busy with my life I suppose,but now I can honestly say I welcome all of these changes,and my world has become enriched with so much more,my ex however?? well lets just say,he would tell you all "It really was not worth it"

I also, am another who will say "Do I care"



Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xxx

Amongst everything else in the destructive mix called divorce there can be humiliation. For me, that was part of what you describe Eliza.

But, the bigger part was the unfathomable struggle I had with layer upon layer of 30 years of loyalty. By the time ex did, what HtL refers to as ''the offski'', I was clanking around in a suit of armour of loyalty to him.

Said suit was very cumbersome and given I had the visor down I could not see that well either !

I wore that suit for too long after ex left, I even felt disloyal talking about ex (behind his back - after he had left me for OW !!!) to my counsellor and family. That suit kept me clad in the restraints of unspoken abuse.

And who did that suit keep safe - ex not me.

Eventually I got strong enough to take ex''s suit off and put me own outfit on. Got on me own white charger and rode like the Lone Ranger out of that hell of my own making. To the William Tell overture final of course (just play it Lizzie - it''s got to give you strength).

Wasted enormous time clunking round in me suit waiting for either me fallen ''knight''s'' return or some new knight on a white charger. But this is a true story, not a fairy tale, no knight appeared. Rather, as I delayed the darker the clouds grew, the shadows deepened into the darkest of nights. Not a star twinkled - a nightmare of fear descended. I was alone in the forest of evil.

The grim reaper lurked and beckoned his bony finger. At my bony body. Alarming weight loss. I could spin me new skinny body right round in me suit now and often did, round and round making meself dizzier and dizzier. But still couldn''t get out. Every now and then I flipped me visor up, screamed, and whacked it back down again quick.

And that suit was very hot under me pyjamas.

Of a night, woke up bathed in sweat and anxiety. But did I change me suit. Nah, I changed out of me flanelettes into me summer cottons. No difference. And trying to swing me suit out of bed and upright of a morning and get some cornflakes into it. Well ! It weighed me down and tired me out.

But that is a story from long ago, me and me charger live in a peaceful place now. I keep her well groomed, just in case I need to do another "Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!". Cos she and me are one.

And Lord, she''s one beautiful silver headed mare !

(Stage left - teen mutters : ''Old Nag'' more like.)

She represents my own resources that I never knew I had and she has carried me faithfully along that rocky path to recovery. When we got to a beautiful land far far away from the fallen knight and his wicked witch we had to start all over again with ''once upon a time'' because it was our very own new story.

I don''t know whether I will live ''happily ever after'' because it isn''t ''The End'' yet. And like all true stories, the challenges keep coming.

I send you my support Eliza, Nige.