What a mess

Three and a half years ago my STBX walked out on me, he left me for someone else. For the last one and a half years we have been going through divorce. Got the Nisi just going through financial.
We have not spoken to each other or seen each other since he walked out. I have been very proud of myself, said I didn''t like him, said I didn''t need him, made new friends, got a great new job, money tight but just get on with it.
Then today had to call him, car broke down, did not have rescue, didn''t know what to do. I remembered we had rescue on a joint bank account back in the day. So I call him, he answers the phone, and the conversation starts, I tell him what''s happened, he sorts it.
Then text checking I''m alright. I realise I have not got over him at all, I still love him so much, even after what he''s done, what he hasn''t done, even after sending me awful emails telling me basically the cant stand me. I still love him, I found me self staring at my mobile waiting for another txt from him, waiting for him to call me back, wanting to hers his voice again.
I did not want to feel like this, didn''t think I would feel like this, will I ever stop loving him. He is still with OW, he is trying to diddle me financially, but I still love him, what is wrong with me, will it ever go away.

Hi schloer,

I think that for the last 3 or so years you have had the divorce etc consuming your time and because you have had no contact, which is good let me tell you, your body has reacted to hearing his voice out of the blue. You have by the sounds of it, worked hard to get through the actual process of divorce, but it can take years if ever to get through the emotional impact.

First you have to commend yourself for having got this far with no contact, for those of us with children (you may have I am not sure?) they are never ever totally out of our lives for they are the father''s or mother''s of our own flesh and blood. So the fact that it has been so long since you have had any form of contact, other than the actual divorce via a Solicitor, do not be too hard on yourself for having a blip, we all do, but it will pass. All your conversation did with your X was to open an old wound that will never possibly be totally be healed. Our relationships which ultimately lead to separation and divorce can teach us so many things about ourselves, some are able to deal with the emotional impact far easier than the next person, others are better placed to deal with the practical elements, so when your opposite hits you out of the blue, then you just were not prepared for it, that''s why it feels so raw. It has just brought up all the hidden feelings that you have thought were dealt with back up to the surface.

I am never sure if we ever ''totally'' recover from what we are or have gone through, we just view things through a different lens. You may have some work to do yet, but just remember where adultery has been involved, then you have to revisit the reasons why you are where you are today and remind yourself that you did not ever deserve to be s7at upon from the highest height.

You have been doing so well schloer, I take my hat off to you, but you have just fallen a couple of steps back, which you did not expect, you will keep going and I am sure with a bit of work still, you will keep on keeping on.

Take care for now FoS x

I really relate to your post... And what flower has written also resonates too.

I think that voices hold a special power in our memories, so I don''t think you should go beating yourself up about not moving on as much you would have hoped.

I remember this time when I had to collect all my stuff from my FMH. It had been well over a year since I had spoken to my ex (I had heard the odd shouty voicemail message, but that was something that you can more readily ignore; it''s not a conversation). I had to have a quick chat about getting some keys - and, she sounded very reasonable on the phone. As soon as I heard her voice, it was almost as if nothing had ever happened. I think it was it''s familiarity; I ''knew'' the voice, even though I intellectually knew that the person underneath was a nasty piece of work (she also went off with someone else, and blamed everything on me).

I guess what I''m saying, is that voices can connect with memories that we haven''t accessed for some time, and it makes it more difficult if they''re sounding reasonable. It''s difficult to reconcile emotional memories with the facts of their behaviour. Plus, they might well be likely to help us because of a sense of guilt (so helping us actually helps them).

Underpinning everything, they''re idiots... and we react the way that we do when we''re speaking to them because we have and have loved with integrity. The big difference is that they don''t.

If may feel as if you haven''t moved on - but this is just one single instant. In the bigger picture, I''m pretty sure you have.

Best,

JJ

Thank you both for your replies, much appreciated, yes I have got children. they are all in there twenties now. only one with me now she is at university. We were married for 28 years.
Just got to get back to the place I was in before I called him, had a good cry with one of my daughters, talked it through with her, we decided I was crying for the man I married not the idiot who left me.
So thanks for your help today. Will probably be back tomorrow for more.