doubts

Hello. I found so much good technical advice re divorce on here. Now I am 6 weeks into the process, gone through hell with my wife trying to agree with her on the divorce and suddenly my own emotions are catching up with me. So I thought I''d share on here and am most grateful for any comments.

My wife of 14 years and I have been "separated" in our home for over 2 years when I finally decided I wanted to make it official and file the divorce petition. Suddenly she was shocked and wants to fight for the marriage (after she told me 2 years ago the marriage was over for her). I have also been over the marriage for some time and mainly stayed together because I didn''t want to hurt her by leaving. I really love her but more like a sister and I care for her but I am not in love with romantically like a wife.

So now that she is fighting for the marriage and against my divorce Petition things are getting very hostile between us. She is threatening to do anything to hold up the divorce, prevent a fair split of assets, involve my work clients by sending random hate emails about me and she has attacked me physically. She is not in a good place, takes anti-depression medication and sees a counselor twice per week.

It finally came to a head when she read her "unreasonable behavior" in the divorce petition. She was devastated and told me I have "destroyed" her. I feel so bad, like treating a dear friend very badly, like hurting a close relative or something. I have also started to question my decision to file for divorce. I know I was unhappy during the divorce and I was sure that I didn''t want to "waste" my "one life" being stuck in an unhappy relationship. Suddenly I think that maybe we could have tried to work more on the relationship but on the other hand, for 5 years we have been trying that. And things just deteriorated.
I guess I just feel so guilty for hurting her by wanting to leave and at the same time I am also scared to lose a dear friend that has been so important for a long time in my life...It would be much easier to break-up if we both could not stand each other.
Has anyone divorced someone who they still loved like a friend/sister but not like a romantic partner?

Trek (hugs))

The last holiday I took with my X I remember walking along the beach (alone) one night & thinking ''here we have (meaning us) 2 adults who are waisting their lives away being unhappy with each other''

Don''t get me wrong I did not instigate the divorce, nor did I leave but when X left I did think back to that time & it made it the turning point in the end of our marriage. So in a way I understand where you are coming from.

It wasn''t an amicable split but looking back it wasn''t the worst, & we worked it out mostly via mediation although for some reason X dragged his feet all the way through. I have eventually put this down to a control issue, in that x wanted to make sure he was in control & that I couldn''t ''push / force'' things.

Perhaps, although your x had told you it was over for a long time for her, she was happy to carry on as is, & now feels back footed? I think this is how mine felt when I didn''t contest or collapse in a heap.

Give it time, try to sort out as much as you can via mediation to ensure a fair split. Even though we did this for UB reasons, they were a shock when you see them written down in black & white (X & I agreed ours, although the Petition was factually incorrect - it still hurt) your x will be able to state that she disagrees with the points made but agrees that the marriage has irrevocably broken down - as is her right.

Stay strong JJx