Not myself

Currently going through the divorce process which I have been dreading.
Stbx had affair over 10 yrs which I discovered accidentally.
STILL hurts like hell. Does anyone else have similar experience, and how did you manage all those horrible emotions that threaten to destroy sanity.

Really appreciate this site; Thank u x

An affair that lasted 10 years:unsure:
Well he obviously did not want to lose his back-up support.

As soon as I found out about Rent-a-Bike he had to go,although I will admit,we then talked about getting back together on numerous occasions,but the reality of it,they betrayed us...end of story
So for me having him back,maybe could work on the surface,but it would be role reversal then,I would be living the lie,something I am not able to do..

So we move forward towards our next chapter,we have to deal with the hurt and pain as best we can,okay I would bet we all started to drink more.I know I did.!!!!
There were times that I could have cheerfully killed him for the situation he put us in,I hated him but also loved him,this went on for months,until I found indifference regarding him.

I think we all examine our part in the breakup,and I now can acknowledge my part,lesson learned!!!!
The breakup however was down to him,just like your ex.If you have an affair whilst in a committed relationship/marriage,you have to take the blame entirely.
Yes I know we all have problems and things go stale,but you owe it to your partner to try to work through this,not go ----ing about elsewhere.If you want out,do it correctly.....

That though is the problem these people only think of themselves,whilst the likes of us Caley are sat hurt,angry and bewildered.
You have to go through every emotion though to get where you need to be,yes at times you doubt your sanity and mortality,but you get there eventually.

Yes it still hurts that he done it,but it hurts him a lot more than me now,he has lost everything,as a very dear friend said to me.
"You have your life''s circle with just a little bit missing,whilst he has that little bit,but the rest of his circle is missing!"I know where I want to be....

Caley,at some point the pain heals,maybe after your divorce,now I just feel sorry for Dickhead,and could not care less about him.

Life and experiances carry on;)

Take care
Stay strong
Afon Xxx

I don''t know the answer, I am struggling with the same issue. In my case not an affair but lies about money. The nature of the betrayal is different (although he also has a girlfriend since walking out, which still hurts too).

But the LIES!!!

I have just posted on this subject, with a link to an article about how much harder it is for the lied to than the liar. I''m sure many wikis would say the same. It absolutely undermines your sanity.

www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunda...5WalShGZ90EEHxMuy/Dg

I would also recommend a book which I read recently called ''when your lover is a liar'' - this helped me to understand how and why I was being driven crazy over the years. Day in day out I was being told by someone I loved, trusted and respected that black was white. It does help to know that you are not alone and that what you have felt and are feeling is normal.

So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I don''t know but I take heart from the fact that many others have come out the other side, not only wiser but happy. Good luck!

Afonleas
Thank you for reply and support, it helps
I understand marriages fail, go stale, people change.
We met when we were both young but very much in love. I think relationships do struggle with changes that inevitably happen over time. My confusion and pain is, the person I thought I knew was not a cheat or a liar. A 10 month affair would of been devastating enough but 10 years ! He had to have made the decision time and time again to continue the deceit. He never told me he didn''t love me, cards at Christmas and anniversaries were always loving.
I understand that people fall out of love and we had our problems. We went to relate, to try to explore ways to help, he said nothing.
I had no idea he was living another life.
It was extraordinarily cruel and cowardly. I would never have done that to him however frustrated or unhappy I might have been.
I think it helps to put the words down onto paper, perhaps It might help me to see what a fool I have been and it''s
time for ..onwards and upwards ... slowly but surely )

Hi Eliza
exactly, the lies!
Getting my head around it all has nearly destroyed me.
Still a work in progress
Thank you for understanding a little of where I am coming from. x