Patsy39 wrote:
Hi Patsy. We have been here before with you. But I am glad you are revisiting the big issue. Keep going. Keep posting until you find your answer.
I have cherry picked some of the things you have said.
I don''t know what''s wrong with me.
I feel lost at the minute.
I feel all churned up inside and so indecisive and unsettled.
Thats actually fairly normal for someone in your position. I dont want to say the word rebound. But I think its a bit to soon to be entering into a relationship like this when you still have one foot in the old one.
But bizarrely I suddenly miss my ex, despite the way he treated me. I guess I just miss the familiarity of him, the years of togetherness, of not having to try too hard, but just being so comfortable with another person, who knows you inside and out. Despite his failings I was so close to him, and being with someone else has made me realise all the things I miss about him, as well as all the things he lacked!
This is weird right? So weird in fact that you mentioned it. I think you do not miss the ex. Its what you wanted in the ex that you miss. And now you are starting to have this with the new man but cannot understand why you didnt get it with someone you felt so comfortable with. Every old sock needs an old shoe. Not calling you an old anything but that saying says it all. We like to feel comfortable with someone. But that comfort that we crave takes a number of things. You need to have no walls. And you need to be free and lastly, it needs to feel right. And its none of these things.
But I feel that what your yearning for also is the loss of your marriage and this is making you yearn for things that you didnt have and its confusing you.
Relationships go in phases. There is this getting to know you phase where everything is new and exciting. But I think you want to jump to old sock old shoe phase which comes after a while. Its just that your not used to all this adoration and your not used to dating and coupled with the fact that your missing what you had before, its set you into a bit of a spin.. Phew..
But deep down? I dont think you are ready yet. Frankly you have gone a bit early off the blocks before the gun has gone off. So I think you need to get things in order. Get this ex off your back. Properly. Spend some time getting used to the fact that your proper single and then enter into the relationship and go thru the phases in the proper order. Friends. Getting to know you. Crossing the line into lovers. Becoming old socks and old shoes. Then it will flow naturally and it will feel right and you wont have this devil sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear all the time.
I really over my ex? Will I ever get over my ex? If I don''t take the risk now, will I ever be brave enough?
No I dont think you are as I said above. Yes you can get over your ex. But its going to take some work. And you have to do this at the same time as keeping this man interested and at arms length at the same time. If it was me? I couldnt do this. I would have to take a break and sort my head out. But I am a man and your a woman. Women are good at multi tasking right? This is multi tasking at its most extreme. Big ask actually.
One of the qualities (is it a quality? Unsure what it is actually) is when your proper right in the head and proper single is that you are not afraid. You are able to take risks and reap the rewards with potential partners. When we are needy (like you are right now) we are too scared to take risks thru fear of loosing someone that is interested and dare I say it? Hooked? But honestly? You have your work cut out sorting your head out and you will need to keep holding him back until your ready in your head. But you have to take the risk sister. You need to get this old relationship done and dusted before you move onto the new one. You are not a machine. You cant just flip a switch and out pops a new fresh ready for the world version of you complete with all accessories firing on all cylinders. Its gona take some time before you can clear your head and get back on message.
Lastly... You are doing a lot right. You are talking about the issues that bother you. And that has gota be good. All this adds up to a fresh new you soon. But you gota keep asking. Keep winkling out these feelings and airing them on the line. Otherwise they fester and grow. But you will ultimately be ok. I cant promise if its with this guy or not. No one can see the future. But in time, you will be ok. So my marshy message to you is... Keep hacking away at this. You will get there and you have to believe in yourself. C.
