Daughter confused and behaviour awful . . . .

Hi all - havent been around for a while - hope all you Wikis are doing OK.

I come seeking advice for myself and my daughter. She is 7 yrs old. Ex and I split in 2012 and Absolute Decree was in Feb 2013.

We live 80 miles away from her Dad. Initially contact was 24 hours every weekend and split school hols. The 24 hours every weekend with the travel inbetween got too much and after a lengthy "battle" with her dad we are now doing fortnightly Fri-Sunday wkends, still share school hols. On the whole this is working ok.

Following our split, he revealed a GF. I suspect this was the reason for the split but almost irrelevant now. GF was on the scene from April/May 2012, and they split in Sept 2013, following a holiday the 3 of them went on. Ex, GF and my daughter.
Ex is 41, GF is 25/26. The holiday was during the summer school holidays and was one of the last full weeks of the hols. Having spent a week alternately with us both, this was daughters main holiday abroad.
During the holiday and following few days, daughter comes home and Ex contacts me to ask if she had done a few ''naughty'' things. One of them being hiding GF''s set of keys - that included her house/work/car keys. Daughter initially denied it to him. On me asking - she confessed. I informed Ex.
ON asking daughter why - The reasoning behind the task was that she was mad at GF as GF was "mean" to her on holiday - not letting her have an airbed to play on and not letting her sit in the window seat. (?!) that''s obviously out of my control and Would have thought that Ex would have let a child sit nr the window ? Anyway I digress.

The Ex, as a father and a person can only be described as narcissistic. His parenting skills are next to zero and his awareness and empathy for what our daughter is going thru is appallingly non existent.

An example for a typical weekend for my daughter when she''s at her Dads. Picked up Friday afternoon 4pmish, is taken back to his home, sometimes to a rugby club, sometimes for an indian/chinese etc. Sometimes home with a takeaway. Once she was dropped immediately at his Dads to babysit and collected the next day midday. Saturdays are generally around a rugby game he plays in - she will stand at touchline, or in rugby club, supervised by anyone who will care to watch over her. One or two times she''s stayed at his Dads/Grandads, or he''s employed a female friend (from the rugby club) to watch her. . . this can be anything from 11am/midday until 5/6pm for either scenario. Sometimes they stay until 8/9/10pm, and then go for an indian or again have takeaway at home.
Sunday will be spent at a different rugby club where he coaches a ladies team - leaves daughter in the car, the clubhouse, by the touchline to entertain herself. Occasionally other kids there to play with.
From here she is bought back to me at 6pm. Sometimes shes had tea, sometimes not. Everytime she is in need of a bath/hairwash.

Admittedly this is exclusive to rugby season (August - May) give or take a few weeks ! And not every week runs as above but generally thats what happens, with a few nights out and babysitters used.
Very very occasionally he will take her swimming or to the cinema, and very often he takes her to McDonalds.

I''m not professing to be the perfect parent here. . .but I do try to offer a calm and stable life at home. I work hard, full time and use a lovely childminder who my daughter adores and is very comfortable with, has tons of fun with and sometimes doesnt want to come home.
We have little time in the evenings together, aside homework and baths/bed etc, but weekends I try to make the most of them - be it a lazy weekend of TV, parks etc or playdates, trips, friends, grandparent, baking, lego, play etc

To get to my point, since Ex and GF got back together - from the rented house he has, plans have escalated from her moving back in to the rented home, to buying together a house, and from what I am informed they have a tactile relationship in front of my daughter. I just think it may be going a little too fast for her. the reason I think this is because her behaviour has increasingly got worse. her anger and frustration is there daily. Her attitude is unkind and sometimes alien. She''s hit me. She has gone to kick a family friend when not getting her own way in a game of kick about in the park, shes thrown things. She hisses when not getting her own way. Says everything is not fair, I''m mean, I''m a bully. Shes turned into a selfish quite unlikeable little girl from the adorable thoughtful little girl I bought up. I feel like such a failure and I cant cope with her behaviour and dont know how to control it.

She recently ripped wallpaper off the wall whilst with her Dad staying at the gf''s parents house..... he cant understand why - I put it down to attention seeking. he wont see that, even after I try tentatively point it out.

I have removed TV privileges which she hates. Have enforced this and threats to remove other favourite toys and treats/clubs/play dates etc. I stick to these but even those seem to tire.

I am at the end of my tether with it and am so upset she must be in turmoil, but wont talk to me.

Has anyone had a counsellor for a child this young ? how do you start the ball rolling ?

Please any advice is welcome

Hello Zodiac

Oh bless you I can identify (with the cold ''parent'' who is completely determined to have no empathy for his young child (our 9 year old son in my case) going through a messy divorce. My son is very loving very cuddly and gives me such big bear hugs still (so i am lucky there).. he litterally is attached to my hips when he is at mine (i have him school days and every other weekend and half school hols)... i digress.. there is a but ...
... he eats like a horse! luckily we have only (well mostly... we have desert stuff too) healthy stuff but the amounts are eye watering ... (one breakfast was 3 home made pancakes which made not realising he had already had 3 chicken drum sticks (yup) and 3 slices of toast) ...it''s like he is storing up food for when he is at his dad''s (who admitted today that in fact he ''starved him when at his as he is getting a paunch...'' my X (his dad) is a body faschist ... anyway point is... what now?

I have been keeping a diary in case i need it later. in the meantime i have spoken to the school and they run something cold ''nurture club'' which is a zen time for children that are having personal difficulties for one reason or another. the teacher in charge is trained to get them to talk and express what bother them and understand what they are feeling... i think it helps him... maybe your daughter''s school could be running a similar program?

SIC

Hi sadincheshire.. . thank you for your feedback. . I had thought about speaking to her teacher, and was actually at school today and wanted to catch the teacher but its madness as I am sure lots of you know at hometime, so couldnt find a moment without too many in earshot or my daughter hearing.

I dont want to scare her and make a big deal of the situ, but I do need her to understand this isnt normal. I will make an effort to see what if anything school has to offer.

Its heart breaking isnt it when you see your bright little child be clouded by things that needn''t be.
thank you

I agree
it''s horrid as they are having to grow faster than their peers, they are exposed to situations their peers have no idea about

tomorrow i need to speak to the teacher/head teacher too.. . because of the same concerns that you have (people in earshot, child themselves close by, general brouhaha (i''m french so forgive random word) of out of school time, i plan to arrive about 15 mins before actual school out time... that way my son won''t even know i have had words with the head

hang in there Zodiac
x

I often have to go into school and speake to then about my son mornings in the playground are a nightmare I often ring up and ask to make an appointment sometimes just after they have gone in ir before they come out try that

Hi zodiac, sorry to hear your daughter is unhappy & you are struggling. It is worse when you can''t control the ex''s behaviour & they are so insensitive. Definitely worth speaking to teacher, school counsellor if you have one, or any local family support services with experience with separation issues. They adjust the approach to fit the child''s age, 7 years old is not too young if she is distressed. I am thinking of taking my 9 & 11 year olds as the conflict between them gets too much for me to handle at times, and I lash out verbally in frustration with them.
Good luck & don''t forget she has the security of being with you 12 days a fortnight, that will help her cope with this. But I also would be worried about the wisdom of leaving a 7 year old to hang around rugby games and clubs. Can you talk to him about your concerns and draw up some rules about appropriate carers?

Thank you all for your advise and support.

I have telephoned school this lunchtime and spoken to her teacher. She was shocked to hear that my daughter is capable of the type of behaviour I described. In fact said that she is one of her best pupils in the class and commented how helpful she is !!

Anyway they have a nurse who comes into school and she suggested they contact her to check what "links" she has to supporting counselling agencies/groups etc.

They are also starting workshop sessions in school which offers some support to students who may have "issues" and tailors the sessions to each student in need. Am hoping this wont take her out of class time ?!
Her teacher suggested we have a little meeting myself her and the teacher who will be running the sessions and perhaps the nurse.

I feel better now its out there and that what I am doing is the right thing (it is isnt it ?!).

Vastra1 - you are right she does get security with me for 12 days and its such a shame his 2 days cause so much upset.
the contact issues I have addressed time and time again and have email and txt documentation of - his favourite response is "When my daughter is with me I shall do what i want with her and its not for me to dictate what he should do". He will advise that she is "watched" by some adult he knows or other. Regardless of whether our daughter knows them.

We did have a mediation agreement from the very beginning which was where he wouldnt agree to fortnight contact and was the 24 hrs each week. It also included a promise from us both to adopt "continuous" parenting - i.e. bed times, diet, discipline, and that on school holidays and babysitting - the ''carer'' woudl be someone pre approved by the other parent if it wasnt a suitable family member.
When I employed a childminder - he wanted to know all her credentials and was she ofsted registered etc etc. Which I duly supplied to him.
He leaves her with a 21 yr old girl who he coaches at the rugby club - who feeds her smiley faces and turkey dinosaurs ! I''m not a snob and I know this is not REALLY bad food - but she said herself its the first time shes had that food ! She only knows the above carer as she''s met her when left to her own devices at the touchline..... One incident my daughter told me is that the girl told my daughter off because she spilled a hot drink.... Daughter said because the liquid spilled over and burnt her finger.....?
I saw texts from my daughter from her phone that he got her to him at work asking him to come home and explaining the above. His response was - she would only tell you off if you had been naughty. MY first reaction would have been why was she carrying such a hot and presumably too full drink in the first case....? I always give half cups of hot choc and then its more milk than anything. Go figure.

There are many many more little things like this and I spent the first 18 months of our split asking him to please not do this or do this instead etc etc to which he came back with some attack or excuse for himself. Now I just try to advise my daughter accordingly and dont even bother telling him unless its abosolutely necessary etc.