Dad not turning up!

Hello am new here and desperate for advice.

Background - I will bullet point not as Im being rude but a lot say so may make it easier.

divorced and apart 5 years.

2 dc

court order in place

long history of abuse, non molestation in order at one time, now an undertaking not to verbally abuse me in any way (still continues recently had police help)

low level neglect of DC, nothing I can control just have to accept.

I have facilitated every request made for changes, extra, missed time as he has plans, driven him to school things . I have literally tried everything.

Dad requests a change in circumstances for the umpteeth time, no show at xmas, lots of verbal abuse some of it very very distressing. death wishes etc

Met new lady in Sep - pg a month later, since then he has showed up 5 times since November, missed all court ordered school holidays, didnt show at all in December.

Request to change pick up place and time, police and my gut feeling is say no and court order to be followed only. Lots of lies about why the change, one story to me, another to school, another CSA - another story

So whats he done - he has just failed to show up in 9 weeks now. I have begged him to see them and he simply keeps repeating his stance he wants a change its his way or nothing?

In an attempt to get what he wants he has literally mounted a hate campaign against me and it has had me at breaking point. literally through my work, school abusive emails.
I am at the end of tether what can I do? He is their dad, he is supposed to see them and despite everything I still firmly believe he should - good ness knows why.

So what can I do, if i take him back to court he will get what he wants, a change at my expense and stress, if i dont the children dont see their dad. although if back in court its unlikely they will give what he has now given the last six months.
he says he will never go back to court the children can find him when they are older.

I am literally tearing my hair out. help!

Hi,

all I can say is relax and give yourself a pat on the back. You have done everything you can to facilitate contact but you can''t make him see them.

Just let the kids know how much you love them and leave him to it.

What is the change that he''s requesting and would it negatively impact the children or only you?

I had a history of Abuse in my marriage.My ex husband is now starting to do what yours is doing no shows...says to his solicitor he wants extra contact then when its offered to him doesn''t show up or makes excuses.
The final thing for me was him saying he was coming to take him out for his birthday but once again didn''t show up no reply to my text
either.He is due this weekend but I don''t trust him one bit.
I totally agree with the previous posters and my counsellor also told me don''t rely on him and just concentrate on children.Im lucky my son is 15 now can see the situation for what it really is.

Phew... lots of bits here.

but - contact with the kids is the contact arrangement (or similar) that should be followed if not go court - he needs to state what he wants and you would need to agree. If he doesnt turn up then you have an extra day to be with the kids and help them overcome their concerns about their dad

Abusive emails or threats should be dealt with by the police. You have to bring a stop to that

Your love for your kids and your expectation of the role that he should fulfill - clearly is not his. Let him reap the rewards, your kids will have seen what you have tried to do and they will love you more for it.

The arrogant attitude of "they can find me when there older" hmmm my dad did that to my mum many years ago - left her with five children. Only one child went to try and see him (over the 35 year period) and when my eldest brother got there my father said he didn''t want to see him. He died a very very lonely man

All of this is his loss, his loss not yours. Some people are just not cut out to be either husbands or dads. I want to be the best dad ever... even my STBX said one evening your a crap husband but she couldnt have asked for a better father for our daughter. I think she was being a little harsh on the husband bit...however. As a man and a father, I believe you should not waste any of your energy on trying to make him the dad you want him to be. He is not capable

hello pinklady1107

it is so sad that many of us experience similar situations... there must be a school on ''how to be the biggest pain'' somewhere!... anyway- all i''ll say is, only do your part of the parenting... you have always done this (it is evident from your post).

when he doesn''t turn up, then just make a note in a specific diay (like the calendar i expect you will have of his/yours days..marking DNA (did not attend, where he has not turned up)) ...

if the extra days become too costly, then consult with the CSA. Explaining that the access is now different, giving the diary/calendar evidence of what it (X''s access) is in reallity so your payments will be adjusted accordingly...

whether your X can emotionally mature to realise the importance of the bond with his children is nothing you can influence... he is a ''grown up'' and that''s the bed his is making...

keep your hair where it belongs... on your head!

NL_SIC

Thankyou for your replies everyone.

u6c00 - the change is fairly significant. Four hours and not turning up at school as ordered. The biggest problem is there has been so many changes in a space of six months, different homes, women, cities a hundred miles away. The children have literally had enough they are on a piece of elastic. I''ve facilitated every change so far but after not turning up in dec and suffering some fairly horrendous abuse, I have to say no more, some routine is needed for my dc and he''s already said this new routine will change again in a few months when his baby arrives they wont be allowed to stay overnight until everythings settled there?
he says its up to me to show flexibility towards the children but too much and they are suffering. He has told me on many occasions its his way or nothing and up till now I''ve always agreed but up till now he has always been there of sorts. The court order surely is above any of our wants and needs as its written for the children?
plus i say no and i am widly abused. The court order is surely there to protect us all? Him and me and primarily the dc.

keith999 so sorry this has happened to you to.

I guess there is not a lot I can do. I wish he would turn up but like someone said i cant force him. So distessing for his children =

its having a profound effect and if tables were turned id be in breach but he can just walk away because it doesn''t suit him. I''m desperately sad at the situation.